FEATHERS AND CHAFF.

Waikato Times, Volume X, Issue 753, 14 April 1877, Page 2

FEATHERS AND CHAFF.

(From an Auckland Correspondent.) April 10. WHAT IS A BENEFIT ? Fj_.oM time, to time, we read in flaming posters that such, and such a popular favorite will tike his benefit, and, like Dickeu's singer iu the fren and easy, he is always hopeful that " his friends will r»dy round him." When the publio Bees ihat a mau is about to take a benefit it «ener<*ly ttuppoies that he is going to take something that will do him good. But a- me benefit's are like Cadmean vie torie.. Not long ago an actor took a benefit one evening, and next morning riled hia acheiule. The benefit had ruined bim. The eminent Emmet, as an ■aliterative critic styles him, gave a benefit the other day to hia age-it, Mr Richmond Thatcher, and this is what it infant: — The beneticiaire had to pay £25 ,for the use ot the hall aud for the services of the campany, to divide the net proceeds with Emineo, and to pay the advertising aud pin ting out of his own share. When he uame to settle all his accounts he had actually lost money." This is what theatrical peoplo drill, a " bent-fit." 188 PICTURESQUE; V. THE USEFUL. ■Dr ciyufcax had his. own nations of the pict Aresque, aod the Waste Lands Board of Auckland have theirs. ...Your readers are aware that there are several hills iibojit Auckland, the chief ti*e of which is; to furnish scoria for the adjacent highways, on week days, and. oh! Sundays, ele vajed. stand-points, J6r ainourous c nples. Bhi it' has'; been reserved for the Waste Lands I. ard to 'di.coyer'ih these hills',with their sombre vegetation, and masses of scoria,' beauties which no one hai ever befor. suspected them to possess. All at once these hills are found to be so exceedihgi'y ' lov'elyl and picturesque ;'that the rdmSvaliifom-them of scoria fo_ the roads •is regarded as ; sheer vandalism. ' 'The comeq uences is that' .oine of tne Highway Bmrtis will have tb obtain* scoria at am uch greater distance aud at about cloubl-i the former cost. This is sacratioing the useful to the ornamental, with -fk vengeance. But is there, nothing picturesque about a well made road ? and is there nothing hideous'! about a. road seamed by raiu channels, and scarred wjth rutii? If some .travelled .iootnes to grief m a hole, and break . his leg, will it console him and sootn his pains to point to , oue of , those pictui'jetque. .-hill's, I . rtpuder ? : Bah 1 ajl this talk: about pictuiisiiiie is mere clap; trap. Wbat the ; .Buar.ii. wants ia to put jft.tax on the Highway Boards for. removing thi* scorii. A aovi:rei^u possesses more of the picturesque in tho eyes than a barren scoria hill, auU;tbey might, as vvell say at once what they m jan. The disguise is a little too thin. ; The appropriation.: of .the ■ picturesque displayed, by .the Auckland Waste Lan Is board reminds Que ot the ancient geographers who : - ' •• ' y, ,In Afriomapg, v. .-:' . With savage pictures fill their gaps, And o'er uninhabitable downs Placed elephants f>r waut of towns. DECIDEDLY INAPPROPRIATE. It was at one of the Q-uod Templar Saturday .night entertainments g»odygoody songs and rebitatious wer§ en regie, where the devil and the Liceiicsd Victuallers were placed in" the same category, aud aloehoi was denounced as "'jjizen, " One yuuuglady had warblei ' in" mellifluous tones' the ''Old oaken bucket,' amidst tumultous applause, and a g-ntlf man' had sung "in 'deep ba3S,'seventh n stanzas in praise of •' cold water." there w;ia a slight lud in the harnmnious proceedings— a brother. A;BC , X Y.Z., &c, who bad promised to give " 1 never driuk hard, for it dont suit me" was not up to time. The audience was' getting impatient when a dapper min o'"w "rV man at the far end of the hall volunteered to till the breach, and was received with demonstrations of delight. As he moved forward it was remarked that there>as.a fclight uusteadiness in his guit, but thia was attributed to his inusitntion to terra firuia. When, however, he mounted the platform, and the light of the gasa streamed down upon his visage, illijminatiug hia ample nose like the roseate flush of a summer suuaet, there were dubious whispi rings among the audience. He cleared hia throat for a mighty effort, uud broke forth in stentorian tones with "Push the grog about,* hoys." The remainder of tho soag waa drowned amidst roars of laughter. The chairman, in blunt tones intimated that the song- was ' i subtly imcon-pi-tible- wife-i ,j th'e Strictly temperance character of the meeting, Jiiolr, apologised, and explained that he had mistaken tho affair for a freo aud oasy. Uo volunteered VOno bottle more" as a oompromi'33, but tlie chairman remarked that perhaps it would be just as well to postpone it until a latter stage, and the tar, evidently puzzled, retired from tho stage, and went over to the pub across tho street, and later iu the evenjug, when the audieno. was dispersing homewards, I grieve to say that their °*r a w.re svluted by the profane words ot '* Push tha grog about'' wafted on the ev. ning breeze from the vicinity of the obnoxious bar. QUOHUM AND JoRtT.VI. Have you ever g umbled in bitterne^ of soul, during th.; lohg delay cumed by Jaggard Hi^h.vay Boardmeu, while the

printer's do.il was clamouring ut your e^bow for oopy, aqd you drew a vivid mental pioture of a crowd of printers beguiling the weary hourt with "jeffing" ior beers, and heaping maledictions on your innocent head ? But rejoice and be of good cheer. Your deliverance is nigh. There is a genius down South who has invented a patent, which brings 'balm to the wounded souls of suffering scribes. It is this :— Every member of a Road Board that is late pays 5s to a fund which is devoted to to bo expended in whiskoy for the joint benefit of the Secretary and the reporters Tho plan works admirably. SCABBY SHEEP. The other day it leaked oub that a num ber of scabby sheep had been sold at New" market, . . notwithstanding the remon .- strancea of Inspector Lewis, and surreptitiously removed during the night while he was peacefully slumbering at home. It is surmised that the animals have found their way into cert iin butchers' shops, and into consumption. The sheep were brought from Wanganui. I cannot tell you of all the consternation that the news has caused. Mutton went down with a flop, and one butcher was almost compelled tp give it away in order to effect a .clearance. Paterfamilias armed himself with a miscroscope, and the housewives examined the mutton with a degree of searching vigilance wbich had never before been seen. lam eure that the average consumption of uiuston has very considerably latlen off, and at the various " table de hote" it is rarely inquired for. The remedy for all this, ray dear Waikato readers, is to "wire in" so as to renderwAuckland independent of importations, and if one may judge from the character of the sheep which have been bred by Major Jackao Mr MeNichol -.nd others that happy consumptions not so remote aa Some may imagine. A HAPPY SIGN. 1 have written bo many uncomplimentary things about the pardons that it aff.rds me much pleasure to be able to say anything to their credit. At Waiapu the other day, there was a difficulty about getting a suitable building for the sittings <>f the Native Lands Court. There was a Maori church, but it was regarded as something akia to sacrilege to profane its hallowed isles with the wran<_lim.r o contending cl limnnts, not to mention tho speeches of lawyers, in which tuere is often much that is more or less unpalatable to lovers of abstract truth. The dusky parishionets held a korero and discussed the weighty subject. The balance of opinion tremble 1, when one ingenious litigant shewed that as they invariably performed reli.ious devotions in their whares, which were used for secular purposes, there would be no great harm in temporaiily secularizing the church. To the honour, be it said, of those shining lights of piety, the Revs Mohi Turei, and Kauiera Kawhia, they gracelullv consented, ana the Court sat. After all, this is not much worse than holding services : ui a theatre, or what is done with the s Lome street hall, which may be occupied > by a quadrille party or a band of nigger i minstrels ou a Saturday night, and . by next day by the Kev Edger's congrei gation on the supject.