PARLIAMENTARY SKETCHES

Wairarapa Daily Times, Volume IX, Issue 2781, 22 December 1887, Page 2

PARLIAMENTARY SKETCHES

BY Our . Wellington Watchman. .e.' ■. Itls a good thing that the session of 1887 draws to a close—good for the members, foi ! my readers, and good for your Wellington Watchman, Good for members, because thpy willnow ho able to get some honest employment, if their idiosyncrasies tend that way; for your readers, because the bloom of freshness is worn off these sketches—-if they ever possessed any; andfor me, because it is dreary work trying to pump up a thin watery kind of fun, whore very little funniosity is to be struck. Really it is remarkable, considering the number of members, how little material they afford the pen-and-ink sketcher. Some few are noticeable, but one cannot for ever continue sketching those few, and it is injudicious to do so, because it makes them conceited, A portion of members make themselves far more conspicuous in Committees, and in the prosaic hard work of the Legislation, than in orating, and the remainder are simply animated dummies, mediocrities, or bores of the first magnitude. A stranger going into the House, at hap-lmzard would be certain, to jjear some or allpf the following speak;— viz., Soddon, Levestam, the phenomenon, I'itchptfc, fish (every half-hour), Turnbull, Taper, (fast developing into a boss boyo), Saipel, and one or two others. Said stranger might suppose that these loquacious folk carried on the legislation-such as it is-of the country.. This would be, it is needless to say, a huge mistake; as well suppose, every stray little dog that barks at a passing flock of sheep, drives the flqck to its destination. No one, of course, blames, these people for their verbosity, because it is generally reoognised that they G'apot help it, that with them the oacoUks laquenH is a disease, and that such, men as Fish, fjedflon, and the rost woi^cl,

on that last dread day," when the trumpet sounds, and'the sheep are divided from the goats, argue the point with the angel Gabriel himself. As for Fish, his astounding prolixity adds a fresh terror to deatli, and the place of punishment. Fancy residing for an eternity in the same furnace with Fish, and fancy Fish, -undeterred by the sultriness of the climate, laying himself out for an eternity. of ''jaw." Dante was a clever gentleman with a wonderfully and disagreeably versatile imagination, but had he known the Otago Fish he would have re-written his Inferno.

My readers will please understand, therefore,, that if-some.names have occurred seldom or never in these, ephemeral sketches, it does not necessarily follow that these are the names of insignificant persons, but rather that the gentlemen in question have presented Wellington Watchman with few opportunities for his distinguished notice. Such men as M essrs Bruce, Beetham, Macarfchur, Wilson, Buchanan, Thompson, (I forget his initials, but not Marsden Thompson), Monk, Moat, Moss, Dobson, and others are not very frequently heard in the House, but I havo every reason to'believe they are conscientious workers. Among the new members who do not very often catch the Speaker's eye, but who shape like useful representatives, may be' mentioned Messrs D. 6oldie (i Anderson, Mills .(the level-headed incoherent), and Valentine, the beautiful Scot. Scobie Mackenzie, of whom such great things were prophesied in some quarters, and Menteath the melancholy and monotonous have certainly not increased their reputation. Dr Newman has been as chipper and perky as ever; he has good material in him—a game chicken whose down is fast turning into feather and will soon fly. Of Ministers, the Premier has been hard-working, indomitable, and at times as fierce as a large male rodent looking' out of an orifice for soiled water to run through-there is a vulgar way of putting it, but I am a slave to the exigencies of Euphony. Our George has tackled work like a Trojan and developed a fine Chesterfieldian politeness as agreeable as unexpected. Messrs Hislop and Mitolielson are industrious, unaggressive, and rather inaudible persons, with a strong suspicion of skim milk in their composition. Sir Julius .Vogel, as leader of the Opposition, has doubtless made several mistakes, but latterly he has ridden a losing race with considerable skill and calmness. Mr Ballance has been conspicuous by his absence, and when present by his subdued aspect and nervousness. He has sufficient of the Kilt in his temperament to make lnm a bad loser. It will, I think, be many years before he recqvers his "tone." Still he is a great hankerer after and a great prophet of the gospel of brandnewness, and his fertile and somewhat scheming brain will doubtless concoct and present to the New Zealand public some philanthropliic novel nostrum which will-according to Ballance-iuevitably cure all the ills that flesh is heir to. Mr Walker is a new person of uncertain age, who appears to be gravitating towards a lieutenancy in that rather irregular corps of which Sir Julius Vogel is guerilla-in-chief. Mr Walker is an educated man, with a kind of military half-pay aspect about him. He is occasionally, put forward to skirmish with a Government supporter, and fires his little pot shot with considerable precision, retiring in good order and condition. Mi: Seddon-whom I sometimes chasten out of the real regard I feel for him-has during this session acted as Opposition bully-boy. He has talked too much, but "in the very torrent, tempest, and (as I may say) whirlwind" of his passion, it is impossible to forget that he is a good fellow, and that half his time his tongue is metaphorically in his own cheek. Still he has I re-iterate, talked too much; he would do better by curbing his loquacious propensities and by reading and thinking a little more, Tlje sturdy miners of Timaru are proud of their Spddou, and have persuaded him—not averse to believing it—that he is a bigger man than he really is, Seddon is as full of natural talent as an egg is full of meat, only —as the barber said of the boy's moustache it requires cultivation. I have a condign contempt for Kulohaw spelt with a big K, but Seddqn would be none tjie worse for a little.' Cannot he rub shoulders with Ballance who has a large superfluous stock of the'article?—when it suits the purpose.'

The past week has seen a quantity of legislation scrubbed through the House by the hair of its head, but, withal, there has been little to record. On Thursday afternoon (December 15th) feere was a speoies of desultory debate in connection with some Native petition which was not of an interesting nature. Eventually, Sir Julius Vogel led off on the Loan Bill. He congratulated the Minister of Public Works upon his "ingeniously pieced" statement, and poked some borak at Ministers generally. In the evening we resumed the Loan Bill, Sir Julius continuing his speech. Mr Fisher taunted Sir Julius with not giving his celebrated but unknown and mysterious scheme for the salvation of New. Zealand to the country, but Sir Julius absolutely declined to unlock his'box and reveal the plum cake said to be concealed within. The presents which this financier has yet given to the colony have been of the nature qf: Pandora's box—not precisely a blessing, but the reverse. Several members, spoke. Tlje great ant] good Mr Allen, Spoke, and, as usual {opted surprised that his declaration, of qpiniqn hau 1 not once find for ever, seijtled the whole matter. A most positive, peremptory and petulant young person, this Mr Allen. " / am positively disgusted with the whole matter," he said the other night, evidently expecting the House would be crushed with that declaration. The House was not crushed! on the contrary, the, House roared with laughter; laughed com suuiedly, impertinently, and jronicaily, and the good young man from Dimedin who did not die, beoame mantled in the brashes of ogiviufjion and indig<

nation, and- sat down with a flop, I should -imagine young. Mr Allen Lad been the boss bore of a Young Men's Christian Association Debating Society ; he carries the air of one who protests: "When I speak let rip man's dog bark." He requires for his improvement a larger.arena than he finds in our-'House of Representatives. He should try and get elected upon the Wellington City Council. He requires that moral regimen and drastic discipline, which he would infallibly receive at the hands of Wellington's greatest son—Councillor Petherick.

On Friday .we went into Committee of Supply." Main roads were one of the subjects' under discussion. Mr Kerr held forth with that ease, elegance, and perspicuity for which he is so justly'famed. Mr Mitchelson, who rose now and' again to explain, did so hi tones' so sepulchral that his voice appeared to issue from a chill and cobwebby catacomb. Mr Kerr was considerably exercised with regard to some road, possibly that path which is paved with good .intentions. Pish declared that members having weakly agreed to the Loan Bill .had no right to object to detail,, and he would support every .item of tlie Government statement. Mr Mills—who appears to be one of Sir J. Vogel's ".stupid young-men, calling themselves the young New Zealand party"—opined that Fish had found a' mare : s nest, which was really an astounding flight of pleasantry for Mills. Mr Menteath uttered something with a dignity and melancholy alike excruciating, and an unbending spine, holding his Order Paper in front of him like a Masonic apron, and to an irreverent and bored House, went into the history of roads from the year Ito date. As he ceases he looks towards the gallery in which the beauty and grace of Wellington are enshrined, as one who would say: '• How did I do that eh? How did I look?" They say Mr Men. teath is, in private life-of which by the way 1 have nothing to say, because these are Parliamentary sketches only -a nice, unaffected, frank person. On a platform, or in the House he gives me the impression of au animated tashiou plate at worship—the worship of itself.

Little Doctor Fitchett, who generally has his innocent little say, and is in the habit of carrying little pieces, of paper with little pieces of writing on them to Sir Julius Vogel, who takes the pieces of paper, glauces over them —without reading them—indulgently, and then returns them to the little Doctor, metaphorically patting him on the head and saying: "Well done my little man, very well done indeed! be a good boy and learn your lessons, and we'll make a man of you yet. There, run away and play."' Thackeray speaking of the practice of tipping little boys says it.is a blessed thing to do; 't blesses him that giveth and him that receiveth. Inevers.ee little Dr Fitchett, with his youthful and ingenious features, all alight with boyish vivacity and: eagerness, but I feel inclined to forget the chronic impecuuiosity of the press-man, and tip him the shining half-crown. I should so enjoy seeing that blessed boy tuck into lollies.

Mi' Bruce siid something, in his sad, far away, golden-shore manner about this road, and Dr Hodgkinson threw a few electric gleams around it, with spectacles glistening on the top of a gleaming scalp, the sight of which would make (he mouth of a Red-Indian water. Truly our Representatives strain at gnats and swallow camels, this road involved neither a great principle nor much money, and they had passed the loan Bill, yet they could not restrain their propensities to snap at even so small a bone of contention. At length Sir J. Vogel said stridently; We are simply wasting time. I am aware there are a few stupid boys in the House who know nothing about parliamentary business and who simply ■show offtheir personal feelings, They have a great deal to learn," At this cruel stab aimed at tho young NewZealaud Neophytes, the'phenomenon at once took his seat behind Sir Julius todemonstratetbat/ie(the phenomenon) was no young New Zeala.nder-or possiblv to court the belief that he is not a "stupid boy." Vogel shortly after left the House, but tho talk went on. Mills defended himself and the other stupid boys,

I must say I sympathise with the Ex-Colonial Treasurer, There are too many boys in the House, Because Pitt went into Parliament at 18, that is no reason why Reeves, and Pitchett, and Perceval, and Rhodes and other harmless but immature hobbledehoys should be in our House of Representatives, These young men whose bread and butter they never earned-it having been earned for them by others—require experience of men and manners, knowledge of life, its duties, and responsibilities, and ballast ejenerally. As for these silver-spooned young persons calling themselves the " Young New-Zealanders" (anglice, for Them) they ought to be ducked. Where would young New-Zealand have been, had there been no Old England ? Where would these younkers have been, had not their belongings possessed the pluck, energy, and go of Great Britons ? These boys should be spanked. Yes. New Zealand for the New Zealanders, let U3 understand every freeman that lands on these shores, ready and willing to help build a nation iu these southern seas, but if the Fitcljett's, the Reeves', el hoc genus o/KHfjs, represent New Zealand, the sooner nw} leave the country to them and t\\s rabbits the better,

11l- Seddon fell foul or Mr Guinness, Mr fujton obliged iyith a sjiort sermon, Sir'G. Grey said foe bad always siip, ported this road, Hokitikei to Christchurch, and the phenomenon at once 'went and sat with Sir George to show that he (the phenemenon) also supported the road. Mr l\. Reeves ;ommenced speaking, but the o'Calla«!iaii let off so stentorian an echa-rwakin" a sneeze, that Iff Reeves paused, and viewed him with mingled awe anddisgust, and an inclination to appeal to the Speaker for protection Sir Julius Vogol said that ho and other gontleqieji

had determined to < save the. Govern' : ment trouble. Government havinij by ' weight of. numbers , carried ' theit " ■ estimates, be would now endeavor to / swallow the. details, and the phenome". non at once went and sat behind Vogel to demonstrate his (the phenomenon's) , swallowing capacity. ■''i: Mr Kerr said Sir Julius.knifed ": all aboot Jiggers, but nowt/aboot roards, taking m passant,: ut kick or two at a member, whom he'(Kerr) designates" The Buller Lion," between himself and whom there., is "a feud, of great intensity. .'Mr Buchanan declared' .{that Kerr's district bad been far better treated than the Wairarapa, and Kerr tied his tongue into a rolling hitch in an endeavor to disprove the proposition. . Mr Beethatn said his district had got nothing, and he hoped the Minister for Works would remem-

ber that Wellington had a main road, and if there was a corner in the estimates, etc., etc. By this time, the Minister for Works was ■ in. that badgered condition, that he looked as if ho did not care a dam—damaged apple—whether the Colony had any roads at all,

Dr Tannor, starched within an inchw of his life, spoke, but was unstiffened by the perpetual interruptions of R.Reeves, Kerr, and Seddon. Dootor Tanner is becoming conversational. His spectacles and eagle beak, like the' prow of an old Roman galley, poke, themselves into all subjects. The Dr. ..:....- reminds me. a good deal of -an eagle. , Not perhaps of. tbs eagle" cleaving the - azure Empyrean wiik wafc of wing, but an eagle in captivity, a banwlopr eagle, an eagle on the dust heap. His manner is pompous and prolix, as that of a chairman of Quarter-Sessions. Ho would probably hang a poacher, and possesses an ample and varied ignorance of most topics on which he discusses. .

Dr Newman—who, alas? begins again to use the stomach-pump in public-said something neat , about political profligacy. You see the little medico has the run of the Assembly librarian who hunts these phrases u[jk for Newmanj and then Newman corneal.

down to the House and fires them off at my offending head,

Monday, Estimates on. Education on, fitchett on. Wellington Watchman off, . '

I will reserve the rest for my concluding Parliamentary (1887) sketch, In the meantime let me offer you, Me Editor, and my readers the compliments of the season.