HYMEN, M. D.,

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 193, 19 October 1871, Page 7

HYMEN, M. D.,

(Bt Judge Clabk.)

,When Deacon Duma9 — reader, please don't pronounce the name in boardingschool French ; it sounds so like "do ma," which is very childish. This is a plain, every-day name, composed of two syllables, Dumas, and has no other sound, only a little quicker, than a couple of homely English words, of which it is probably a corruption. Besides, the Dumases of Dumfrey were in no way related to the author of " Monte Chisto."

When Deacon Dumas, or all that was mortal to him, was fished up from the bootom of Squire Hopper's mill-pond, dead a 8 a mackerel, and dripping wet, " How came he there ?" was the question that set all Dumfrey agog.

Evil tongues were not slow to hint that it was a case of wilful absconding from a state of insufferable henpeckery ; in short, that after twenty years of stormy connubial experience, the poor man could stand it no longer,- and had literally " drowned himself in his own defence." But the coroner's jury, as was right and proper, gave tbe departed the benefit of the doubt, and, by a verdict of accidental death, settled the question to the satisfaction of all abiding people.

Dorothy Dumas, unlike that very noble youth, Laertes, did not restain the natural overflow of her grief out of consideration that its object had already had a surfeit of watei\ On the contrary, as soon as it became evident that the vital spark was quenched beyond resuming, she lifted up her voice aud wept dutifully. Had the decon come home alive, in a similar pickle, it is possible that her voice might have been " lifted up " for a different purpose.

The deceased left a handsome estate, few debts, and no relatives save his wife. How it made little Lawyer LumkinVfingers itch for the handling of it when he footed up the sum total !

Mr. Lumkin had been pi'ofessionally entrusted with the settlement of the dead deacon's affairs, and of course had had frequent consultations "with the widow. He was a bachelor, if not in his prime, at least in good repair. His scratch was as natural as life, and his false teeth a good deid more so.

Prom the gracious manner in which he was invariably^received by his client, as well as from other symtoms to which he was not blind, Mr. Lumkin became early convinced that the post left va-. cant by the- deacon's demise was not

beyond his reach. The fortune was tempting; the widow — was not very. She was neither fair nor fat, and considerably upward of forty. Angularity of person, sharpness of features sharpness of temper, and a tongue sharper than a two-edged sword, to say nothing of the unpleasant rumours touching the cause of the late deacon's death, were backdraws of which might well have induced a less wary man than Tobias Lumkin to pause and consider.

Hovr Tobias might have decided, had the case remaind thus evenly balanced, it is difficult to conjecture ; but a new element at length came into calculation, which, in his judgement, materially simplyfied it.

The widow fell ill— seriously so. The nature of her disorder quite baffled the physician, although he gave it a name, skilfull compounded of Greek and Latin, and prescribed, as best he might, at random ; the patent grew steadily worse, and soon was pronounced to be at the point of death. Prudence Perkins declared that nothing on earth ailed the widow but the want of somebody to use her tongue upon ; but Prudence was a tattling body, and sheand Dorothy had never been friends.

When Tobias heard of the ioctor's decision, he flew to the widow's bedside. He declared his affection with a fervour of eloquence unequalled by any former effort of his professional life, and wound up by vowing that all he asked was the privilege of calling her his before she was for ever snatched from his sight. The, widow was visibly moved. Such a union, she acknowledged would materially smooth her dying pillow. She might confess now a secret 1 which she had long concealed, and which she had purposed carrying with her to the grave ; she loved Tobias with an ardour and devotion no woman's heart had felt before.

It was needless to waste time on preliminaries. Mrs. D.'s estate, in the event of her death, now a certainty, would descend to her surviving husband, if she left one — an arrangement perfectly satisfactory to all concerned. A clergyman was accordingly sent for,.and the solemn and effecting ce»e-. mony that made of the twain one flesh was performed without delay — the.wido w reclining gracefully, wrapped in the drapery of her mortuary couch, and Tobias kneeling devoutedly at her side. When-the spectators-had withdrawn, ;the newly married pair^for a time reimained silent. Their feelings were evidently too deep for utterance. . "My dear 1" at lengtfr-came from the Hps of the bride. _-- *' | "My life?" Tobias answered, or rather questioned. * N " I think £ could take something." The bridegtooui pricked up his ears. "The wing of .a chicken ," she added. Wing of a chicken 1 Had her spirit take^jt wing at that particular moment,

Tobias would hare looked less startled. The wing of a chicken, it was, however ; and, after despatching one, she felt like drying atiotlier, and probably , .would have ventured on a third, but for the doctor's express interdiction. The next day she sab up. The third day she sat up. The fourth, she blew Tobias up, and has never been sick an hour since. Poor Tobias! It's to be feared he wasn't as thankful as he should have been for his wife's recovery. As for her fortune, she keeps it entirely in her own hands, being of opinion that it is. the duty of all husbands to be selfsustaining. Tobias accordingly lives on ■ his practice, as formerly, though by no means as contentedly and cheerfully.

I noticed him the other day sauntering musingly on the border of the same pond in which Ms predecessor's body was found. After a melancholy glance at the water, he shook his head, and walked moodily away.

Mrs. L., it is proper to add, keeps up heavy insurance on her husband's life.