F A C E T I Æ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 193, 19 October 1871, Page 7

F A C E T I Æ.

An Elmira farmer wrote to Mark Twain for .adyioe as to the best kind of "bees to keep, and received an answer to the effect that -" husking bees " were the fcest, but in order ,to make them lay lioney profitably he must use a. chin a nestegg, and blanket his bees when they are not on the nest, amd feed them on brai ■and " middlings.*' A Minnesota man was called upon a few nights ago to lead h-is horse to go for a docter, the wife of a neighbour being very ill. It was a matter of life and ■death. The owner of the horse replied, ■"My horse cost 160 dols., and may be hurt or killed in the night. If the ■woman dies, she didn't cost anything. The horse can't go."

"Will you take this woman to be your wife ? " " Well, parson," was the reply, *' you must be a green nn to ax me such a question as that Do you suppose I'd be such a plaguey fool as to go to the bar hunt 'and take this gal to the quilting frolic, if I warn't eonscriptuously sartin and determined to have her ? JDrive on with your business old boy." " Clara, I love but thee," thus sighed the tender youth. "Oh ! hear me then, my passion own with trembling lips and earnest tone. Indeed, I speck the truth ! " He" paused — the - blush o'erspread her cheeks, she let him draw her near ; scai cc for ■emotion could she speak, and yet she .asked, in accents meek, " How much ' tin' have you dear ? " As a traveller was writing his name on the register of a Leavenworth hotel, a bed-bug appeared and took its way

•across the page. The man paused, and remarked, "I've been bled by St. Joefleas, bitten by Kansas City spiders, and interviewed by New York reporters, "bat I'll be shot if I was ever in a place before where the bugs looked over the hotelregister to find out where your room •was?"

A clergyman, meeting a little boy of his acquaintance, said, " This ia quite a sronny day, my son ! " " Yeß, sir," said -the boy, "this is quite a wet rain." The clergyman, thinking to rebuke such hyperbole, asked if he knew of other thau wet rain. " T never knew personally of any other," said the boy, " but I have read in a certain book of a time wh>in it rained fire and brimstone, and I guess that was not a wet rain."

A little girl had a Jbsautiful head of hair which hung in "clustering curls" down ou her neck. One hot summer day she went upstairs and cut the curls off.

Coming down, she met her mother, who , exclaimed with surprise, " Mary what ".have you been doing to your hair ? " To which she responded that she had cut it .off and laid it away in her box, but that she intended to put it on again to-morrow, as aunt Nancy did. Jessie had been doin^ something which, her mamma had told her she musn't do. She had been eating currant, and, of course had got her mouth all stained ; that* the way she was found out. Her mamma said, " You know you were for- 1 bidden to eat currents." " But, mother, Satan tempted me." " Why didn't you say, * Get thee behind me, Satan V " $ I did say, • Get thee behind me Satan,' and he went and goir behind me, and ifr/shed' me right into tho< current' bushes i*» ' •

A Scotch serving- woman who was scut io^ bring water returned completely drenched after what was considered , rather an unreasonable length of time.Her mjgtress demauded what had kept her Bolonjg. M Kept me so long !" the dripping absentee, with a look of surprise, "deed ye may be glad to see me again ; the burn was rnnnin' frae bank £© brae. I missed a fit and fell in, and if it h^dna Ibeen fur Providence and arfbther woman d hae been drowned."