FACETI/E.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 163, 23 March 1871, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

A Spoiled Child. — The one that played with the kerosene lamp. Tuneful Lyre. — The music- teacher who broke his engagement. Marriage makes a man and a woman one ; but the trouble is to tell- which of them's the one. The first day a little boy went to school the teacher asked him if he could spell. "Yes, sir." "Well, how do you spoil boy ?" " Oh, just as other folks do." " An old man, when leading the lives of the antediluvian patriarchs, declared "he wouldn't have lived in those days for all the world, as a man stood the chance of having the toothache for more'n five hundred years." When Wemys, a famous theatrical

u.anager, had quitted the business and

opened instead a large shop for- the sale jj*>tent medicines, a friend drily rethat he would no doubt be successful in tilling both boxes and pit. A writer in the Ballarat " Star " sug-

gests that a day of humiliation should be

Bet apart for the fearful crop of lies which have been told in the late election speeches. A paper sketches the following scene in Utah: First Mormon — "I wonder who that blonde is ?" Second Mormon — " Why, it's your wife." First Mormon. — "So it ia. I thought I had seen her before." A traitorous woman avows the belief that if all the men were in one country, and all the women in another, with a big river between them, lots of poor women would be drowned.

The last book issued in London is en-

titled, " What Shall My Son Be ?" One would naturally suppose it should be a boy, but then you can't always tell, thing 3 are so high in war times. An Affectionate Parishioner. — The curate : " O dear, O dear ! Drank .".gain, Jones ! Drunk again ! ! And in broad daylight, too !! !" Jones : " Lorshir (hie) whatsh the oddsh 1 Sh — sh — sho

am I ! ! !"

Says the Psalmist — " He maketh my feet like hind's feet." A negro preacher read it "hen's feet," aud proceeded to say, " Dat a ben in de henroost, when it falls asleep, tightens it 3 grip so's not to fall off. And dats how true faith, my

bredren, holds on to de rock."

Scientific meu have recently discovered that the poison taken into the system from continual smoking of tobacco will cause death in one hundred and sixtyseven years. "We warn our readers who have been smoking nearly that time to break themselves of the habit at once. " Waitah !"— " What Sir V " Got any green peas ?" " Yes, Sir, have some ?" " Yaas, bring me three." " Anything else, Sii»^' "Yaas; a slice or two of

strawberry, cut thin." "Certainly, Sir; anything more ?" " More ! ah ! what do you take me for — a perfect pig, eh ?"

A swelling captain of a Mississippi boat squared up to a rather noisy passenger, and in the hearing of all exclaimed, "Sir, one of two things you must do ; keep still or leave this boat !" The tipsy passenger walked clear around the great captain, eyeing him all over, and then said, "Captain, one of three things you must do ; work more, eat less, or bust."

Mark Twain produces one of the most striking cases of meanness on record. He says he knows of "an incorporated Bociety which hired a man to blast a rock, and he was punching powder in a hole with a crowbar, when a premature explosion followed, sending the man and crowbar out of sight. Both came down all right; and the man went to work promptly. But though he was gone only fifteen minutes, they docked him for lost time."

" My competitor," exclaimed a political orator, "has told you of the service he rendered his country in the late war. Let -Hfe tell you that T, too, acted an hummiefjiart in that memorable contest. When the tocsin of war summoned the loyal masses to the defence of the national flag, I, fellow-citizens, animated by that patriotic spirit, which glows in every American bosom, hired a substitute, and the bones of that man now lie bleaching on the banks of the R&ppahannock,