TIMOTHY CHARMBERRY'S TEA PARIY.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 163, 23 March 1871, Page 7

TIMOTHY CHARMBERRY'S TEA PARTY.

(From Tom Rood's " Comic Annual.''

" Christmas eve, to be sure ! you'll come, won't you 1 Muffins and ail first rate ! de-e-lightful ! " sighed Timothy, ecstatically • "the nicest little tea-party I ever had ! "

Dame Charmberry dropped her knitting and pricked tip her ears ; but her spouse, who had been dozing comfortably in the great corner settle, gave only a sound snore, and made no further remark.

" Tea-party indeed ! " quoth Dame Charmberry ; " what's he up to now 1 Who's he after? That horrid smart barmaid at the ' Blue Cow,' I'll bet a shilling ! but I'll spoil his tea-parties for him, I'll go bail ! Here, Timothy ! hoo-00-00, man ! go to bed, and don't lie snoring there, like the raging lion a going ai>out to dewour." And, by dint of thumps, scratches, pinches, and pushes, she aioused the poor little man, and hunted him off to his dormitory.

Timoth}' Charmberry was the smallest and shortest man in the rambling parish of Hucklebroom, and, as such tiny specimens do (from some mysterious influence I leave more scientific folks to explain) had married one of the biggest women for miles around ; for his wife was six feet high, and stout in proportion. Now, much no doubt as Timothy had admired this colossal stature in his bride of earlier days, it had its disadvantages, for she was most

emphatically his better half in every sense of the word ; in fact, to speak accurately his three-quarters. Poor Timothy, moreover, laboured under an affliction, which practically diminished his chances of rulership, for he was as deaf as Dame Eleanor Spearing — "Deaf to verbs and all their compoundings, Adjective, noun and adverb, and particle, Deaf to even the definite article."

Now, unfortunately, Dame Charmberry had also a failing, an absurd one, common, alas ! to her sex — she was most unreasonably jealous. Poor little meek Timothy, who could never have screwed up enough courage enough to say " Bo ! " to a mouse, much les* to a goose, was far too modest to give her any ctuise or reason for her disease, and being, moreover, of a small size, was liable to be overlooked by most of the blooming maids and buxom widows of Huoklebroom. Besides, Timothy's eyes were not a pair, albeit both gooseberry green : and the fringe of thin lank hair that adorned his little half-bald skull was more of the colour of unravelled string than anything else ; and over and above that, one bony shoulder was higher than the other, and he had a club foot. Now, the veriest old maid in Hucklebroom could hardly have conjured him into an Adonis; but Dame Charmberry doubtless imagined that the charms which had caught her large heart might prove dangerous to others ; and thus, although a good, kind-hearted woman in the main, she worried both him and herself to death. On account of his deafness, she could not curtain lecture him, for Mrs. Caudle herself could not have made him hear a syllable, and though a series of signs did tolerably well for the usual mode of communication, they were not sufficient to relieve an overcharged bosom. Consequently hpr i*aga, diverted from this safety-valve, fell to other modes of punishment. She was too tenderhearted to inflict personal chastisement on him ; and, therefore, when her rage got beyond endurance she treated him in an original fashion, by placing all articles of food, his favourite dainties especially, on such a very high shelf, that he could not get at them without walking half-a-mile to borrow Sandy Sawpit's ladder, and then she went out to tea !

Poor Timothy bore all this as meekly as he conld, for he could not quite discover her drift in it all, and failed to comprehend her motives. On the present occasion Mrs. Charm beny having beard these few muttered words fall from Timothy's sleeping lips, felt convinced that he meditated some amorous appointment shortly, and in the secret rage of her heart resolved to discover the whole. So she dissembled her wrath, and the next day announced her intention of going to drink tea with her mother on Christmas-eve.

"Yes, my dear," replied Timothy, " to be sure, so you shall, and as early as you like, too. It's the blessed Christmas-time, and everybody ought to enjoy themselves. And Timothy rubbed his skinny hands and winked his goggle eyes through his great horn spectacles, like an owl in daylight, and stitched away faster than ever, for he was a tailor, and was putting a patch in in the parish clerk's best black indispensables against nest Sunday, which was also Christmas-daj'.

"Enjoy themselves, indeed!"., said Dame Charmberry, indignantly, shaking her head and poking the broomstick at him ; " ah, you faithless villain ! you think you will, I daresay, you false deceiving monster ! But I'll circumvent your tea-party, or ray name isn't Ruth Charmberry ! "

"Yes, my dear, to be sure you shall," replied the unconscious Timothy, complacently who heard and saw nothing, but went stitching on with his face to the window, which so exasperated the wife of his bosom tint she gave the board such a violent shake that down, went Toby, thimble and all. Quite unconscious, however, of the cause of the accident, he picked himself meekly up, with the rest of his scattered belongings, and resumed his seat with all

the calm of a Mahommedan, while Dame Charmberry vented the rest of her wrath on the dog, who fled, howling dismally.

Christmas-eve came, and after their frugal meal Dame Charmberry, first set ing her house in the strictest order, departed, giving a last glance at the high shelf on which she had put the teapot and loaf. Timothy saw her to the gate, and there stood, rubbing his hands as usual to the ghost of a whistle, and watched her on her way down the long village Btreet, past the butcher's, past the Blue Cow, beyond the general shop, past Sandy Sawpil's, and at last vanishing in the dim distance up Mill lane.

"' I'll have a holiday, too," says Timothy ; " it's Christmas-time, and I'll go on the spree. Oh, law ! if Ruth only heard me ' She's a dear good soul, but awful strict. She wouldn't trust me with sixpence, I'm sure, if I was to ask her, for fear I'd spend it at the Blue Cow ; but law, I shouldn't. And here's the young squire's half-crown, as'll provide for my tea party handsome." And Timothy chuckled so that his spectacles fell off, only, luckily, they dropped on the flat box-brush by the door, unharmed ; but he was so sobered down by the fright that he left off talking to himself, and wont quietly in to finish his work, as if Ruth herself had been there.

"When he had completed his job, he put all tidily away, and his next proceeding might have roused Dame Charmberry's suspicions more than ever, for ho took down his old hat from behind the door, and then, after a long search, perched her own market-basket, and fastening the door, set off jauntily " down street," with a sprig of holly he had picked on the way in hn button-hole. We will follow his footsteps, and by so doing we are brought to the threshold of the general shop, where he marched in boldly up to the counter.

"Law, Mr. Charmberry! Wiat can we do for you ? It's an age since I've seen you," shouted Mrs. Dubbits at the top of her voice ; I've some prime Christmas tea just in — Hvkey Pekoo, just such ac missis would like.

"I want some lea, mem, if you please," replied Timoth}*, in his thin reedy voice : " but please to write dowu the price on the slate for I'm harder of lit -a ring nor ever."

Mrs. Dubbits complied, and then took Timothy's order for a quaitjr of tea, a pound of sugar, best raw, threepenn'orth of fresh crumpets, and some golden syrup, lending him a little jar for the last, and then he wound up his extravagance actually by selecting a big Sally Lunn — such a plump, wellbrowned, fat looking pineushiou of a lea cake, that Timothy smacked his lips in anticipation. He completed his enormities by packing all these carefully in his wife's basket, find carrying them off, in spite o.' Mrs. Dubbits offer to send them for him.

" I s'pose you and your good lady's going to have a treat ?" roared Mrs. Dubbits ; " I'm sure I wish you a merry Christmas "

" N-no," stammered Timothy, nervously, catching the first part of her speech, " not exactly ; please don't mention it ; thankee, good night !" " Old Tim's going to have a treat on the sly," said Mrs. Dubbits to her shopboy.

" I seed her a postin' down this arter noon," responded the latter ; so he's seed her off, I s'pose, and then gone in for wittles."

We must now leave Timothy on. certain further rambles, and follow Mrs. Charmbery, whom we shall find, not at her mother's, but sitting in gloomy state in the small parlour of the Rev. Ebenezer Scratchit, the minister of her own particular denomination, to whom she has come for couusel and advice in her sore disquiet. He has just proposed to accompany her to her home, in order to convict the culprit and bring him to a sense of his wickedness. It is a bitter cold night, and the pastor insists on his visitor partaking of some spiced elder wine, which his helpmate, Mrs. Scratchit, serves grimly on the testimonial salver, with some fossil buscits, of antediluvian bakery, of so flinty a nature are they. This modest infection concluded, the minister and Mrs. Charmberry set off, and after a brisk walk soon reached the cottage, which they approached silently, and with some caution. Some hours had elapsed, and the cold white moonlight was already painting the shadows of the yew and box-brushes on the pathway ; but inside, no doubt, there was no lack of light and warmth, to judge from the bright fire-light that glimmered under the crack of the door. The checked blue curtains were so closely drawn over the windows that the watchers could find no chink for observation.

" I wonder what vile hussy is in there now," muttered Mrs. Charmberry, grinding her teeth at the thought. "flush!" replied her companion; "he's singing, and it is'nt a hymn !" " It's what he used to sing when he came a-courting of me," said Euth, between a sigh and a groan. And verily Timothy's weak voice was heard heartily carolling —

" The happiest hours that e'er I spent Were spent among the lasses oh !" " Oh, sinful flesh, sinful flesh !" groaned the Rev. Ebenezer. " He's a talking," whispered Ruth, pinching him to enforce silence ; " let's open the door a crack — he can't hear, nor they can't see, 'cause the settle's between us and the door,"

" Here, Lucy, my dear, here's some stunning tea for you, and I hope you will enjoy it, and here's my love to you, and a merry Christinas and a many of 'em ! Cheer up, old girl ! you're looking quite young and lively, I can tell you !" (" Brute !" muttered Mrs. C. outside.) " Such tea as this will warm up the cockles of your heart ! And such sugar too ! sparkling like the boughs in a frost. And, Nancy, my dear, here's such a Sally Luun for you ! I fell in love with it on Mrs. Dubbitt's counter, so thick and well baked: and here's plenty of butter to baste it well with." (" The heathen," muttered Ruth ; " there's two on 'em, then !") " Hetty, my lass ! I've not forgotten you ; do try these crumpets; and this golden syrup is for the young 'un"

" He's a regular Mormon," growled the Rev. Ebenezer.

But Ruth Could bear it no longer. In she rushed, dashing open the door, and coming like a whirlwind, followed by the minister, upon poor Timothy, who was peacefully seated alone by the fire, sharing his meagre meal of tea and dry bread with the cat — with the cat!

"This be a unexpected honour, sir," paid Timothy, recovering his senses first, and getting up ; " Ruth, why don't'eeduetachairforthegentloman?"

The preacher and Mrs. Charmberry looked very foolishly one at the other. At last, the Rev. Ebenezer spoke up, by shouting in Timothy's ear, " We heard you talking out loud, Mr. Charmberry ; we thought j r ou had company."

" Company ?" said old Tim, " company ? Yes, I were in company of my own thoughts. It's a bad habit as I've gut, sir, all along of my infirmity, I s'pose, of talking to myself. And this here blessed Christmas 1 sat athinking of all the poor souls about here, and a-wishing of 'cm a merry Christmas all round in a cup of tea, as I do you, sir, likewise, hoping I takes no liberty.*'

"Timothy," screamed his wife, "what have you done- with Lucy and Hetty ?"

" Thain't a-told, have they ?" asked Timothy, looking sheepish. " Well, then, 1 s'pose I must make a clean breast of it all; but, Ruth, my dear, don't 'cc be angered. The young squire gi'ed I half a crown for a Christmas-box, and, thinks 1, 'tis a windfall over aud above trade, and should fall to them as has no regular crops. So I called it like, to myself, my tea-party, and to-nig!ifc I spent it ai the shop, taking old bedrid Lucy Grove a little matter of tea and sugar, lame Nanny Bird a cake or two, and blind Hetty some crumpets and trayclo. I were so main comfortable myself, I wanted to take some o' they a bit o' cheer ; but don't cc' be angered, Ruth ; I ought to ba' told cc' but you've been took up again mo lately, and I were afeard of vexing thee. But I were wrong; I ought to ha told 'cc, and I ax thy pardon, lass fort. You see, sir, I were only 'musing myself wi' saying over all I'd said to the poor souls to-night; and so 1 were, as I said afore, keeping my tea-party."

" Mrs. Charmberry," said the Rev. Ebenezer, with a curious sort of choke in his throat, "your husband has been keeping the season like a Christian, which is more than can be said for you

and me. I am sure you won't be jealous of the blind, halt, and lame that Timothy's been entertaining, like an angel unawares. We have both had a lesson, I'm sure. God bless you both with all the blessings of the season ! Good night !"

"Oh, Timothy, I ain't worthy of you, the wicked, suspicious, mean wretch as I was !" sobbed Mrs. Charmberry, as she bulged her husband vigorously off his little legs, in the height of her penitence ; " I'll never put the wittles out of reach again, nor suspect you neither, as long as my name's Ruth Charraberry !"

A Useful Fbiexd. — There is said to be a paper in Philadelphia which has one woodcut, which is used for every face. It was engraved originally (says a Boston paper) to represent Arthur Spring, but the proprietor liked it so much that he determined to keep it on hand, and run it into the paper when any one else was hung, or died, or was elected, or made a speech, and so every time a portrait was required, this woodcut was altered to fit it. First, | the hat was cut down, then the nose was chiselled into various shapes ; then the eyes were gouged a little ; then the head was altered, and the cheeks slightly hollowed out. It never, at its best, looked like anything human that had ever existed in this wide world ; but that made no difference, for the proprietor always jammed it right in every time, with a fresh name, and a biographical sketch. It has served already for James Buchanan, Jeff. Davis, Probert, General Grant, Susan B. Anthony, Major Fox, Senator Revels, Artemus Ward, Daniel in the Lion's Den, Winnemore, Jefferson as Rip Van Winkle, Ristori, .Asa Packer, Governor Curtin, and a score or two of others. It is somewhat rusty now, the old woodcut is, but the owner clings to it with unalterable affection, and the first time anybody does anything alarming, it wili go in again with a new sketch. This won't make so much difference now, because the block is much worn, and when the picture is printed, you can't tell, to save your life, whether it was intended for a man's face or for a study of a mosiom in the desert of Sahara.