MY CASUAL ACQUAINTANCES.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 112, 31 March 1870, Page 7

MY CASUAL ACQUAINTANCES.

At five o'clock one August afternoon, a few years ago, it was hot in Piccadilly. "Must one dress?" I asked in pathetic tones. "Of course," replied Tibbit. " You are in London, my dear Stumps. You will excuse my leaving you now, but I have important letters to write before dinner. Remember, half-past seven to . the fraction of a second ; till then, fare-you-well."

Important letters I knew meant adjournment to his chambers in the Albany, the removal of his coat and neckcloth, a glass of sherry and bitters, a cigarette, and a sound nap till it was time to adorn himself for the event of his day ; and I thought that he might have kept company for once with a poor provincial, who had but his hotel to go to when he was weary of strolling about the streets. But still a dinner at the Apician is doubtless a very great treat, and I felt ashamed of my ungrateful repinings. AhJ here was one of the bliss-houses of my youth, still open) and showing by large announcements that it continued to cater for sightseers. My heart was forty-two, and did not beat on approaching the Egyptian Hall so violently as it had done thirty years before, but it gave a decided though slight wobble ; so fresh do hearts keep in the country. Any entertainment would foe more amusing than sitting alone in the hotel smoking-room reperusing the newspapers. What ! the Victoria Cross Gallery? Why, this was one of the things I had wished to. see directly I heard of it. An old school-fellow had shot six Russians with his own revolver at the affair of the Ovens in the Crimea, and another had spitted several mutineers in India with a regulation sword — a wonderful feat to the mind of a fencer, who finds one of those weapons clumsy enough in his hand after the foil. I turned in, paid my shilling, and ascended the well-remembered stairs, hoping that the room would not be crowded that hot afternoon. The selfish wish was gratified ; the only living being in the place was an official seated behind a green baize table at the entrance, who wanted me to buy a catalogue, and write my name in a large book spread open before him for the purpose. To the first request I gladly acceded, but not to the second. The name of Stumps is not beautiful in itself, and I could not flatter myself that it v would awaken any particular enthusiasm in the mind of a subsequent visitor who might read it ; unless, indeed, he was a monomaniac about cricket. So I left the half-filled page unenriched with my autograph, and gave myself up to the enjoyment of a real treat. The room was cool, there were seats at intervals, and the pictures were just what I enjoy ; full of action, and representing stirring scenes. A man named Stumps cannot be expected to appreciate high art ; or at any rate I don't, I own with shame that I like music with a tune, and painting with a story ; that I am a being without culture, in short, fit to make all Mr. M w A-^ —^-ld's nerves jar horribly if I came within five yards of him. Now, with the exception of a few French works, like the ""Gorgeff dv Malakoff" and the "■Prise dv Malakoff," all the battle-pictures I had hitherto seen were disappointing representations of smoke and impossible horses, with a broken gun-carriage and a few dead soldiers ia the foreground. But there was a vivid, thrilling episode in each of the paintings which now engrossed my attention, and to study them seemed as good as reading Napier.

I was roused from rapt admiration of a couple of midshipmen in the ditch of a fortified place at midnight, one of whom was quietly lighting a portfire with his cigar, by the sound of voices and the rustling of dresses, and turning round I saw five new-comers clustered round the visitors' book. They had no objections to signing their names. Pater-familias, who was round and stout and pleasant-featured, as the ideal middle-aged gentleman in " Punch," said : •" Eh, what 1" and scratched his signature with the rapidity of a man who was constantly performing that operation. His wife, a portly lady with an imposing nose and proud demeanour, took longer about it, evidently reading the names which preceded her own. Her two pretty daughters — the relationship was written on their -faces — signed next ; and then a young man in flower-show apparel, with silky hair pai*ted in the middle, took the pen, whispering something to the youngest girl, who simpered. I'd have taken slight odds he tittered an allusion to a ceremony which is performed in vestries.

Of course,- I was not Staring, but took the little by-play in out of the corners of my eyes, which were still apparently riveted upon the midshipmen who were engaged in patriotic arson. Why only apparently? Because 4he proper study for mankind is raaa^ because, though Art -is very fine, Mature sometimes beats, it; and because, even at forty-ftwo, if one lives, in the country, a pretty girl is still a pleasing object. I soon discovered a fact, however, which modesty and experience alike prevented my calculating upon ; they were noticing me. I remember a story of a man who flattered himself that he was stalking a lion, and, hearing a rustle in the bushes behind him, found that the lion was

stalking him. I sympathised with that sportsman. There could be no doubt about it. Madam was the first to gaze upon me, as though she thought she knew me, whenever she fancied herself unperceived ; then she nudged her husband, and whispered in his ear, whereupon he too inspected me, as if I had formed part of the exhibition; then a mysterious communication was conveyed to the girls, and they examined me in a quiet sort of way, shyly but perceptibly. The young man, too, gave a glance in my direction, but evidently did not think much of me— *his attention being engrossed by the charms of the younger-looking of the two sisters, though indeed neither of them appeared more than twenty. An incident soon occurred which I am almost ashamed to mention, lest it should appear to be insinuated that it was not entirely accidental, as of course it must have been. The whole party, making their tour of inspection, passed behind me in single file, Materfamilias bringing up the rear ; and just as she passed me, she dropped the pencil with which she was marking her catalogue without perceiving her loss until she was two pictures off, when she suddenly called to her eldest daughter ; " Oh, do look here, love ; here is dear Sir Henry Slasher, whom you danced with the other night, cutting a horrid native's head off J I must put a cross against that. Dear me, what has become of my pencil ?"

I picked up the little golden toy, studded with turquoises, which lay at my feet, and presented it to her* Her gratitude was amazing. She set a particular value upon the article ; would not have lost it for worlds ; was so much obliged to me. Perhaps you are aware how fascinating the manners of a proud matron Avith a Uoinan nose are when she condescends to make llerself agreeable. I was quite charmed, being very social in disposition, preferring, indeed, almost any one's society to my own, I «ras glad enough to accent the advances towards conversation which were made to me, in a cor dial manner. Presently Paterfamilias chimed in ) and then the eldest girl asked some questions about a picture, which was referred to me, and so in a little while I found myself chatting away indifferently with the whole party; They were a very diffident family, at least so far as opinion of tkefr own judgment about works of art went, for they listened to my crude observations with a respect which seemed almost tinged with awe. I was cautious at first, fearing lest the young man with silky hair might be either a painter or a soldier ; but when I found that he was perfectly ignorant about the things represented, a»d the merit of the representation, I launched out. It is not often that a commonplace dweller in the provinces finds au appreciative audience, and it is therefore just as well for him to make the most of the opportunity when he does.

Tke time slipped pleasantly away, till it was necessary for me to go and adorn myself for Tibbit's banquet ; amd then I took a cordial leave of my new acquaintances, and left the place, feeling rather as though I deserved a Victoria Cross myself, for had I not stormed the reserve of a respectable British family 1 I rather wished that they had gone away first, and so afforded me aia opportunity of looking at the visitors' book, and finding out what their names were ; especially the Christian name of the elder of the two young ladies, who had a peculiar drop of the eyelids and a certain dimple on the left cheek when she smiled, which made me feel that perhaps I had been wrong to put off from year to year the crowning of the edifice by the election of a Mrs. Stumps. Pooh — pooh ! absurd ; I was as old as her mother ! " But oh, my heart is an. evergreen," and would net be pooh-poohed. But, however free the heart may be, it is apt, after beating for forty years, to find a powerful rival in the stomach, and I certainly forgot all about smiles and dimples when the table napkin was across my knees. Tibbit has not many merits, but he does understand how to order a dinner, and the artist of the Apicium can execute that order iv a manner to. satisfy the most exacting gourmet.. In the smoking room afterwards, however, those drooping eye-lids came back upon me, and I spoke of the acquaintances I had picked up to Tibbit. " Very cu-rious, their showing such readiness to be friendly with a complete stranger, was it not 1" I observed. "" Very, 1 ' replied Tibbit. "The younger maa said nothing about the game of skittles, I suppose T " Absurd !" " Neither did the cheerful father propose subscribing seventy-five pounds to a "hospital, if you would put down another twentyfive to make up the hundred— eh V

Tibbit has a most absurd conceit of the superior wisdom of dwellers in cities, and supposes that a man who, like myself, is for the greater portion of the year " buried," as he calls it, in the deepest wilds of the agricultural counties, must be ready to fall an easy prey to the first sharper wh& chooses to bait a hook <for him. But, except in gastronomy, Tibbit is shallow. My reason for making my home so far from London is, that I caintot afford to gratify my passion for field-sports on any other terms. The hire of a moor is also quite beyond my means, so, when trout-fishing ends, it is a dead season for me till September ; and at the time I am speaking of, I was there-

fore "on the rampage." This unsettled period comprised a month at Scarborough (spent), three weeks in London, two of which had also expired, and the rest of the time in Paris, or at one of the gay German baths. So seven days after Tibbit's dinner, I went to London Bridge Station to catch the tidal train, and in consequence of three sepai'ate and distinct blocks on the road, nearly missed it. " Look sharp, sir, and T'll manage it for you. First class? All right, sir. Take ther-port-manteau in the carriage with you? Two places ; here you are. " Moralists may write what letters to the "Times" they like, but that porter deserved his shilling. I should certainly have had to go back ingloriously to my hotel, and remain there till next day, if he had not been remarkably spry. The guard was whistling shrilly, and some official was calling out to another that all was right behind, as the tipped one shoved my portmanteau under the seat ; and when I plumped down, panting, and he slammed the door to, the train was actually in motion.

When I ceased to be a flurried package, and grew capable of observing, I discovered that the four occupied seats besides my own were filled by my acquaintances of the Victoria Cross G-allery, minus the young man with silky hair. I greeted them, and they returned my salutations cordially. The drooping-eyed one was sitting next to me, and was faced by her mother, to whom, of course, I directed my conversation, not, however, with the same complete success which had attended my efforts to interest her on the former occasion, as her mind seemed to be occupied with a peculiar class of phenomena. "I beg your pardon," she observed, soon after we were clear of the station, "you are next the window : can you tell me if the smoke from the chimneys is going straight up ? " " Not quite," I replied; "it is waving about as smoke usually does."

Soon we were in the open country, and then she put another question. " Are the trees still, or swaying to and fro V " They seem pretty quiet I think," wondering. And then Paterfamilias leaned forward and spoke of some matter about which he had been reading — a " Times" article. His wife soon interrupted us. " There is a windmill somewhere here," she said, "on the left.'' " 0 yes : I can see it," I replied, looking out of the window. "Tell me, do tell me, is it going round ?" " No," said I, thinking her to be rather cracked. "It is quite quiet mo grinding going on to day.*' I suppose the young lady sitting next me saw a bewildered and curious expression on my face, for she offered an interpretation. "Mamma dreads sea-sickness during the crossing very much,,' she said, " and takes great interest in the wind." " Oh !" cried I, much relieved in my mind, " then I am glad that it seems to be very calm. 1 ' " Thank goodness !" exclaimed the mother.

What brutes husbands almost invariably are. A man standing in any other relation to this poor lady would have let her make what encouragement she could from the motionless windmill ; but her rougher half must needs blurt out : " You cannot tell inland what weather is on sea ; I daresay it is blowing half a gale of wind at Dover," " Prophet of evil !" said his wife, " I will not listen to you." " You think too much about it, and frighten yourself into being ill, continued he. "Are yon, sir, a good sailor" "Stumps — Mr. Stumps," added I, observing that he paused. There seemed to be a prospect of our travelling together, for I was quite alone and unfettered, and glad enough of their company, while they apparently liked mine. So, as it is very inconvenient for people who thrown much together not to know one another's names, I was glad to have the opportunity of at once avowing mine. But I could not imagine why it should give them all an electric shock, which it did ; if they had been joined hand in hand, and the word Stumps had been the brass knob of a charged Leyden jar to which one of them had advanced a knuckle, they could not have started more simultaneously.

Of course the involuntary movement was very slight, and might not have been observed, but that I was somewhat thin skinned about my name, and therefore on the watch for the smile which it sometimes evoked ; but there was no smile, only a thrill of surprise, which was immediately suppressed. " Oh, indeed/ said Paterfamilias, " I did not mean to— to be inquisitive; but sinee — in short, self-introduction— my name is Draper ; this is Mrs. Draper (bows') ; this is my eldest daughter Caroline (bows) ; this is my youngest, Julia (bows). 1 " " And the young man who was witli yoti at the Egyptian Hall the other day, was he your son ?" I asked. "O no, Mr. Stumps," replied Mrs. Draper with a strong accentuation of tne word Stumps, "He was only a friend, not a relative." I looked across at Miss Julia, who tiled to appear unconcerned, but coloured slightly. It was evidently as I nad supposed. What taste in the lad to think twice of the younger sister while the elder was there! Caroline is nice ; but her family- called her Carry, which was intoxicating. It was impossible for me to help showing a certain anxiety to please when speaking to her, or paying her any ordinary attention, quite different from my

manner towards her parents or sister ; and I thought she noticed it, and seemed rather pleased than otherwise. There is no fool, you know, like an old fool.

There were opportunities enough for showing civility to all of them before we got to Paris; for — though Mr. Draper did his best and was not inactive for his figure — to wrestle with so much luggage as the ladies found it necessary to travel with was quite beyond the powers of any man who was not a Criareus, or an Argus, or a Hercules, or some other peculiarly gifted myth. And then that overtasked gentleman's anticipations about the weather proved correct ; it was blowing very hard iv the Channel, and he did not get off much better than his wife on this occasion. Indeed the whole Draper family were thoroughly prostrated, and, as I am not subject to the malady of the sea, they looked up to me very much as people do to a doctor when there is illness in the house. The romantic boy breaks ground by presenting the girl of his heart with a nosegay; I, middle-aged and practical, insinuated myself by handing a basin.

When we were in the train on the other side, and my fellow-travellers had recovered, they seemed hurt and ashamed at having put me to so much trouble ; not that they bored me by dwelling much on the subject, but what they did say was evidently genuine. Then they deferred to me in everything. " Which is the best hotel to go to, Mr. Stumps V " How long ought we to stop in Paris, Mr. Stumps?" That was a queer thing: they never spoke to me without mentioning my name without mentioning my name with an emphasis, pausing upon it, as it were, as if to impress it upon then- memories. And when Miss Carry grew playful, as she did under my attentions, she said " Mr. Stumps " in a sly way, as though there was some joke in the word, which I did not at all like, seeing that I soon began to contemplate the possibility of asking her to assitine it.

For I went to the same hotel as they did; walked, drove, dined, and visited the theatre with them. When they were tired of Paris, we went to Cologne and up the Rhine together; and by the time we had settled down at Wiesbaden, I was like a member of the family ; and the continued deference they, and particularly Carry, paid to everything I said, might well have tickled the vanity and softened the heart of a man even older than I was.

At last I determined to declare myself, and took the opportunity of speaking to Mr. Draper after the table, d'hote, when we were taking cigars and coffee at a little round table in the courtyard of the B,ose. I told him that I knew I was too old for his daughter, and that I was not possessed of that wealth which in these cases often makes up for lack of youth ; but that I was not exactly poor either, and would do my best to. make Carry happy. "Well, my lord," said he, "of course I am deeply sensible of the honour a man of your rank does my girl by such an offer" «My lord ! What on earth do you mean f interrupted I. " Surely it is time to throw off your incognito when such a serious matter as marriage is being discussed," ho said, "Incognito ! What are you driving at 1 Whom do you take me for?" " Why, for the Marquis of Walden !" he replied. " Marquis of Walden !" cried I. " Come come, if you have other views for your daughter, say so ; but there is no need to banter me." "Do you mean to tell me you are not the Marquis V "Of course I am not ; there was never a title in my family yet." "Then who are you?" "The man I profess myself, to be sure — plain Mr. Stumps."

Mr. Draper remained utterly buinbfounded for a while ; but at last roused himself sufficiently to say : "I beg your pardon for the mistake ; but why, may I ask, did you sign yourself the Marquis of Walden in the visitors' book at the Victoria Cross Gallery " " I never committed such an absurdity." "It was the last name in the book when we entered, and you were the only person in the room." " I can't help that," cried I, losing patience ; " I never signed my name at all." Mr. Draper sat still a little while, with his lips compressed, and his fat sides and shoulders heaving convulsively at in-, tervais. At last he could bear it no longer, and exploding with irrepressible laughter, he rose and rushed into the j hotel j while I strode off in a state of boiling indignation to the Tooms, and lost a couple of pounds, worth of florins to relieve my feelings-.

Tl\e cold manner of Mrs. and alas ! also of Miss Draper towards me on the following morning was so extremely disgusting, after their late cordiality, that I packed up my pormanteau and left the place at once. I must say that Draper himself looked hurt and ashamed, and, I doubt not, would have apologised for Ms own mirth the evening before, and his wife's and daughter's behaviour afterwards, if he could have got hold df me alone. Poor hen-pecked wretch J "Well, if I had been a marquis or a millionaire, I might have been hen-pecked too at this present writing ; but that, I may now safely say, I never will be. I have learned my last lesson.

The anniversary of Court Star of Cromwell, A.0.F., was celebrated by a supper and ball on Friday, the 4tk inst.