FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 112, 31 March 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

Why is a drawn tooth like a thing forgotten ? Because it's out of your head. The lady whose peace of mind was broken is having it repaired. Why is a person walking over paved stones like a conquering soldier? Because lie treads on the flags. Why is a horse supposed to be the most miserable animal in existence ? Because liis mind is always on the rack, and his •only comfort woe.

A prudent master advised his servant

io put by his money for a fcainy day. In a few w^eks the master inquired how much of his wages he had Saved. "Faith, none at ail," said he ; " 1 did as you told me :it rained yesterday — I took a drop — -and it all went."

The ed»tor of a country paper says : — "Wednesday's post brought us a letter addressed * Rev./ another % the Hon.,' another 'C 01.," one 'Mr.,' and the last ' Esq.' On the way to dinner we accidentally Stepped on a woman's train, and she addressed us thus — ' You brute,' The best selling book ever published will be the "Confessions of Ben. F. Butler." ltas alleged that for a consideration, ! •already paid, he has agreed with a celebrated publisher, to confess, on his deathbed. What a sell it would be on the publisher if tke old reprobate should die -suddenly. — "N. Y. Democrat." The following conversation occurred between a graceless boy and his teacher : "" What does your father do when he sits -down at ;fche table ? " "He asks for the brandy bottle. 5 ' "I don't mean that. Well, theft, what does your mother do when you sit down at the table ? " "She ■says she'll wring our necks if we spill any .grease on $he cloth ! " A poor fellow having with difficulty jaiMured an audience of the late Duke of j&Vcastie, came to solicit him for something towards his support, and as they vrere of the same family, both being descended from Adam, he hoped Lie should not be refused. " Surely not," said the .^Duke, a surely not — there is a penny for you ; and if all the rest of your relations will give you as much, you'll be a richer anan than i am." An old woman recently was brought as : a witness before a bench of magistrates, •and when 'asked to take off her bonnet obstinately refused to do so, saying, " There's no law compelling a womai to off her bonnet." "Oh," imprudently Replied one of the magistrates, "you know the law, do you ! Perhaps you would like to come up here and teach us ? " " No, I thank you, sir," said the woman, •tartly ; " there's old women enough there now. v : A Puzzler. — A tall eastern girl named Short long loved a big Mr. Little, while -Mr. Little, thinking little of Short, loved : a little lass named Long. To make a long •story short, Little proposed to Long, and Short longed to be even with Little's •shortcomings. So, Short meeting Long, threatened to marry Little before Long, which, caused Little in a very short time to marry Long. Query : Did tall Short love big Little less bcause big Little loved 'little Long:? A Domestic Song. — From rosy mom to dewy eve, iwho is it makes my soul to grieve, and after all doth take French leave ? My Biddy. Who roasts my meat unto a coal, who breaks my nicest china bowl, and says she "didn't on her sowl?" My Biddy. Who polishes the kitchen floor, and in half an hour or more has it precisely as before ? My Biddy-. My .pocket handkerchief and hose, who confiscates, under the rose, and wears by turns my nicest clothes.? My Biddy. Who comes and goes, whene'er she choses, injures whatever thing she "ases, and now and then to work refuses t My Biddy. Who slams and bangs, and breaks- and smashes, who tears and rends, and knocks and dashes, who tips and spills, and slops and splashes ? My Biddy. And shall I ever cease to be in bondage unto such as ~th.ee ? My way is dark — I cannot see, for Biddy. I only know my misery ; I only wishiihee over the sea j I only wish that I werefree," from Biddy. One of -the most heartless things ever ■done "was a trick once played- on Pope, the epiccrean actor. A Ttdcke'd friend' asked him to dine off a small turbot, and and a boiled aitchbone of beef, apologising for .the humble fare with the usual feigned humility of friends, "Why, it's the very thing I like," said Pope,, in his reply, referring to the aitchbone. "I will come, my son, with all the pleasure in 'life." He came, he saw, ne ate ; ate till he grew nearer the table, and could eat no more. He had just laid, down his knife and fork, like a soldier tired of war's alarm, when a bell was rang, and in came a smoking haunch of venison. Tope saw the trick at once ; he cast a look of bitter reproach upon his friend, trifled with a large slice, then again dropped his now utterly useless weapons, and burst into hysterical and umestrainable tears. " A friend. of twenty years* standing,'" he sobbed, '"and to be. deceived in this atnanner.!"'