FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 85, 25 September 1869, Page 6

FACETIÆ.

Domestic jars, when cancelled, are half j reconciled.. 'Tis a double task to stop the breach at home and men's mouth's abroad. A Clear Title.— A New Zealand chief inaintaiued that he had a good title to j his land, beeaijse he had eaten the for- 1 mer owner. '' Where shall I put tins 30 as to be sure^i of seeing it to-morrow 1 " inquired Mary Jane of her brother Charles. "On the looking glass," was her brother's reply. In Jamaica, Long Island, there is a young doctor so green that when he goes into the country it takes three men and a boy to keep the cows from eating him. Sheridan, speaking of his stay at an hotel, observed — " I call for a bottle of wine that *ny landlord might live. I abstain from drinking it that I might live too."' A Boston spinster, at a recent Woman's Hights Convention, said she did not care about female suffrage unless it carried with it the right to make proposals of marriage. A London clergyman advertises that he will " lend" his weekly sermons for half-a-crown apiece or four for ten shillings, warranted 'forigina l , earnest, and eyangelical." Waste — What maintains one vice would bring up two children. Remember, many a little nia-es a nieikle ; and father, beware of little expenses ; a small leak will sink a great ship. — Franklin. "Bob, who. was the first man?" asked one juvenile of another, the other day. "Why, Adam, to be sure," was the answer. " Well, who was the first woman, then?" !' Why Adam's mother, of course. " Recipe for being Universally Beloved — Lend, and never ask to be paid ; make presents, give treats, bear and forbear, do everybody a good turn, hold your peace, and suffer yourself to be cheated. A young lady was told by a married lady that she h'ld better precipitate herself oft' London-bridge than marry. The young lady replied, " I would if I thought I would find a husband at the bottom." If yon are a wise man you will treat the world, as the moon treats it. Show it only one side of yourself, seldom show yourself too much at a time, and let what you show be calm, cool, and polished. But look at every side of the world. " Why, Mr. Jones, are you drnnk ?" exclaimed Mrs J., as her husband came staggering into the house late at night. " N -no, my dear," said Jones, "no — not d — drunk, but only diz— dizzy fr— from looking at the fel— fellars goinground on their vlossipedes ?" " That's a stupid brute of yours, John," said a Scotch minister to his parishioner, who drove his merchandise from door to door in a small cart drawn by a donkey, " I never see you but the creature is braying." "Ah, sir," said the dealer, "ye ken the heart's warm when friens meet. " When a fish is wounded the other fishes fall upon and devour him. So it is with mankind — the moment a man or woman gets going down hill almost everybody gives them a push and keeps them continually tumbling. Human nature, has many singular phases, and this is one of $hem. A young gent recently regaled the ears of his " bright particular" with a somewhat protracted serenade, at the close of which the chamber window opened and a small white package descended therefrom. The enamoured youth instantly secured the precious missive and retired to a place of safety, and with a trembling hand proceeded to unfold — a night-cap and a spoon. During a concert recently, when the organist was exhibiting the full power of the instrument, a lady was enthusiastically conversing with her neighbor about her household arrangements. She suited the tones of her voice to those of the organ but reckoned without her host this time. The organist made a sudden transition from "fortissimo" to "pianissimo," without giving the lady warning ; consequently the audience were somewhat amused at being informed by her, in a shout, that t' We fried ours in butter V

Place - hunting in America. — The " Times " correspondent says :: — l< The ■women, when they get a chance, are as clamorous for office as the ' sterner sex.' The President has had to decide upon the requests of many women to be appointed postmistresses, and has in some cases appointed them. In. the New York Custom-house four women are to bo appointed at salaries of 1200 dola. each to search ladie3 arriving from foreign, ports, so as to prevent smuggling. Over 700 women have already made application for this not very attractive post. The United States Marshall at Philadelphia died suddenly of heart disease on the evening of May 4. .He had not ben dead an hour before- . telegrams began to be sent to Washington from politicians here to politicians there to use their influence to get the senders the office. Next day the railway trains carried many politicians to Washington to look after the matter. The dead Marshal is not yet buried, yet to secure J^is place there are already fifty applicants, and the settlement of the matter has taken to, the capital several hundred ' politicians, including half the M.C.'3of the State, and Messrs. Cameron, Oartiss, Celly, and others who cfaim to betha superintendents of the tMHI of flfltoe in this State/