FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 58, 20 March 1869, Page 6

FACETIÆ .

" Short calls are best," as the fly said when he alighted ou k hot. Stove. "What is the ■ difference between a trick of w fir and a game cock ? One is a " ruse^ ■ and the other is" a "rooster" A Question for Classical Schojars. — "Were the sacred fowls of the" ancient Rinnans ever used for lay purposes? B«ggar Woman. — "Please, sir, give" - int i penny to keep me from starving.", Cifiit :" " Can't stop — in a great hurry— l' have got to make a speech at the siciety f^r the xelief- ofr-the llestituteT' A lady having accidentally broken her snisllinsr-bnttlb, her husband, who was very petulant, said to her, " I declare, my dear, everything that belongs to you i 3 more or less broken . " " True, " replied the lady, „ "for even you are a little __ cracked."^ Chinese Widow. —It is said, that on a certain occasion a Cliinese widow being ionnd fanning the grave of her husband, was asked, why slie performed so singular an Qpef fftpn. . She said she had promised /nut to", marry" jigain while" the grave revniatTte<J<lamp,^and that, as it dried very slowly, she saw no harm' in assisting the process. -' ',-..■• -.'.. i A^4v3n:-7-A> waggish curate? overheard a schoolmaster giving lessons in grammar. "You cannot place a, the singular article," siid the proprietor," "before plural . hoims. No one can" say a pigs, a women, a "- " Nonsense,-" cried 'ihe curate, " The prayer-book knows better than you, I think, or it would not teach, me to say '. a-men." , " [' ' Lazy.^-Old Bones is' strongly, opposed to exertion of any kind. la fact, he is -. -.one of the laziest men alive. "Not long * 'since he was taken ill very suddenly, and lie 'sent in hot ha,ste for Dr, Dobbs. The 1 doctor is. a little -wiry-r oan*; ever on the move, and rather sarcastic in his remarks. -On arriving, he asked 'Bones how he felt. III I Ah, doctor," said he, with a most woebegone visage r 'Vit's all up with me. I feel that I cannot survive long. *' ' ' Bosh," interrupted the" doctor, impatiently, ." you'll never die. '.'. " Never die, doctor, why not V* " Because you're too lazy to give the last kick. f" . ' ' A Fool's Decision.-- A poor beggar, in Paris,' being very hungry, stayed^so long in a cook's shop, who was dishing up meat, that his gfcomach wa s satisfied with _only the smell thereof!. The choleric, cuvetous^cook demanded of him to pay for his breakfast. The poor man denied - it; and it was referred to the decision of the next man that should pass by, who chanced to be a most notorious idiot. He determined that the poor man's money should be-put betwixt two empty dishes, and the cook recompensed' Ky its jingling, . a3 he was satisfied with only the smell of the, cook's meat: Served Her: Right. — Mademoiselle- we won't give .her. name, but an actress toler"s ably well known in Paris — invited a number of, very wealthy merchants and stockbrokers tcvtake.tea^with her the evening before shD .was to appear in a new part. • .jSKeuvas beautifully dressed, and did the ■honours with much grace. Her mother was ; present, and exclaimed, "JMy dear, you are sadly in want of numerous things ■ — a piano,' a silver tea-service, a box of dominoes — not to mention," she said, .turning to the riphest man in the room, '* a set of turquoisps, that are absolutely ' . necessary for jny daughter's appearance 'to, : inorr,ow J night." The evening passed jwuCthe guests departed. The next niorning a great many parcels were brought — >,as many as there had been gentlemen at the soi.e". ,fhg previous evening.-. The mother and daughter opened . them t anxiously, throwing; tfypm aside' onr> after • 'ihe 'other, till aU had been looked at. Every one of theia. coutain©'d — & box of, Advantage^ of ; Sm<>king. —Commodore ' ' Wake's", the Afnerrtfm hero of the Maspn .- *jand;Slidell capiure,'says a of 'the "JPiji'lsland told him that a ship,, the hull pt .which, was still lying on the beach, had ashore in a atorm, and that the crew hacLfiillen .into tKe hands of these '■ cannibals; '"' What did; you do with •-them?" .asked Commodore Wilkes. . t=!y§rjlte<* k^alV answered the savage. . M $^hat did you do with them after you had i killed thorn,? " put in Wilkes. "'Eat .ffHB--—. good!" renmjed the savage. ul)idu I)id ' ' you eat th«jm all V a^lc'ed, the half-sick t pommodore. *"Y<w. we^atajl but one," ' Jceplidii Fiji. "A ad why did you spare / $hat one ?,"" inquired Wilkes. "'Because -he tailo too much like tobacco : couldn't • " eat:iiim- no. hp;>v x "_said ; tne ! savage.—l „., Jh<*V9:giy§n this passage :of the " truth- • - 'laving '* commodore for iwjhafe/it.- may be' worfe-j-but I am told that. the Arabs and / v/Bcdomiis never suffer from the myriads" . oj -ife£3 and insects which swarm ■in their ; tents, owing entirely to their smoking