A TERRIBLE FIX.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 58, 20 March 1869, Page 6

A TERRIBLE FIX.

Mr. Funker was a frequent visitor ,'tp. ."Watson's -Bay,, which, as you, are aware, is a watering place of some popularity*. As the return ticket was I only a shilling, and as the place preI sented many -facilities for the exhibition, aof his ""elegant" clothes fa the [public, he went down there every Saturday afternoon — strolled upon the cliffs^ pelted ' stones into the surf, thought about the shape of his next new hat, and, in fact, worked himself up to a high state of enjoyment. In the hot weather he brought down a couple, .of jewels in a carpet bag, and bathed in a sequestered nook which he discovered in one of his rambles at the heatl of Parsley Bay. He was very fond of bathing, and always went I by himself to this sheltered bay, where j the coql, clear water flowed over the beds of silver sand when the tide was high, and made one of the pleasantest } hatbjng-plac^s that could be found. About three weeks before Christmas — that is, a little more than twelve months ago — Mr. Funker was induced to make a rather singular purchase. He bought a^dog- — a great big, hulkjng; bJacE-haired- brute, who came blundering up against one's legs, and sprang lip on one's waistcoat with its dirty paws, and committed other agreeable and diverting pleasantries. How it was that Mr. Funker was brought first- to- admire and then be-, come the owner of this unwieldy brute, I can't, say.- The dog was a clever animal ; anc£ with his faults, had most of the good qualifies of dogs. He would -jump over a stick or through a hoop ; toss up and catch a fragment of bread placed on the tip. of his nose ; take off the hat of any person who was pointed out to him ; and fetch a stick out of the water. I think some one persuaded- Ferdinand that this dog could be trained to save people from drowning, and" "that he Jbought the brute in order that he "might have assistance if he should by any chance happen to, get into difficulties in any of his bathing excursions. , However that might be, he became the owner of the animal, and, being so, paid him all the attention which a dog of such distinguished ; merit deserved. I think he used to call the great big quadruped^" Eowdy," and indeed "Eowdy" was a very ugly customer to have any dealings with when he was out' of temper,. , A week or two after the acquisition of this, four-footed treasure — -I think on Boxing-Day — Mr. Funker made one of his trips to "Watson's Bay. Eowdy accompanied him. Mr,' Funker intended to go and bathe- in his favourite spot, and with that view carried with him his usual supply of towels, as well as some sandwiches for Injs own refreshment, and a huge piece of . raw beef for the regalement of his dog, It was a terribly hot day. The sun seemed to blister the very stones, and make the very ' wavelets wink again with his sultry glare. Mr. Funker having' landed from the steamer, with his carpet-bag in his hand and his faithful Kowdy at his heels, trudged off to Parsley Bay, comforting himself against the heat with anticipations of the pleasant bath he was about to' enjoy. • His journey was rather longer and more fatiguing than usual, owing to the vagaries of- Mr. Eowdy, who would persist in hunting imaginary 'possums, and stopping behind to investigate, with curious nose, the vicinity of certain patches of thicket. , The tide was up ; the tiny wavelets lapped upon the shelving sand with a cool ripple that sounded most inviting; I and the red-hot Funker, forgetting his j troubles in the anticipation of his dip, j began to "peel off" his outer gar- : nients. He laid his fashionably cut coat tenderly down upon the sward ; he unbuttoned his collars and wristbands, and hung his elegant tile upon the branch of a tree ; and otherwise prepai'ed himself for disporting in the cool element. " Having never had the good fortune to behold Mr. Funker in the condition which the North American Indians describe as ■: all face," I can't give any very positive description of the spectacle which he then presented. It must have been* someth^ng startling, _ and, indeed, I fancy that people who were most intimate wjth.Mr. Funker's full dressed figure would have failed to recognise him, ( as he stood upon the shores of Parsley Bay with his- head bound up in. a white handkerchief, which was the only bit of covering about him. He inust_.have looked something like a forked radish f but, indeed, his limbs were so fearfully and won<Ler£u)ly made, that one's imagination is exhausted in attempting to picture his appearance in an Adamite condition. Splash ! In he : plunged boldly, casting up fragments of spray, and ducking his head beneath the - cool wave witih a courage that did him honour. He could not swim^ but as the water was not more than four feet deep, he was not at all timorous. And so he 'spluttered, about (in the water, rcutting all sorts of antics in the plenitude of -his enjoyment,' and conducting himself in the. most [ reckless way. Suddenly, happening 1 tp| look towards the "spot where he .had left his clothes, he saw Eoway ,running down out of the bush, snuffing the ground, and .evidently in; search of his master. Mr.' Funlcer f wasilel^uted to. see. the dog. " Poo' Eowdy ! poo' boy ! " he cried in encouraging tones. The dog stopped and pricked up his

ears "at the familiar -sound, but he certainly looked at the naked figure of hig master with some astonishment. Nay, he rushed down to the edge of the water and barked at it. " Playful creature," thought Mr. Funker. , But it must be confessed that Eowdy 's hjimour did not seem to be altogether playful. He seemed to be very much out of sorts. He whined piteously, ran about the edge of the water, stopping'now and then to look with pricked ears and some signs of anger at the gentleman who wwats t bathing. His mind was evidently troubled, and was struggling to solve some curious problem which had been suggested by some fact or currish- fancy. - At last he saw his master's clotnes,* and sprang towards them with a yelp of pleasure, as if to say he had found some old friend. He snuffed round the clothes, without touching them, and lay down beside them in a manner which indicated that he was taking charge of the garments until his master's return.

"Poo' Rowdy— good old dog!" said Mr. Funker in his most winning tones as he approached the recumbent animal. Eowdy sprang to his feet, and vented an" angry growl ! There was no mistake about it ! The dog showed his teeth and set his forelegs out, and curled up his tail between his hind legs, and glared at Mr. Funker with a very wrathful expression. His looks were decidedly mischievous, and Mr. Funkcr not liking them, stood at a little distance, and tried to soothe his follower by persuasion. " Poo' old man !" said he, with an enchanting smile and a voice of exquisite softness. " Poo' old Eowdy ! Good dog. Don't you know me ? What's the matter, poo' old fellow?" Eowdy looked bewildered. As his master spoke, the faithful brute cast his eyes about as if to find out from whence • the voice came, and relaxing his stern expression, wagged his tail. Taking the si^rt to be one of peace and amity, Mr. Fuuker at once stepped forward and seized a towel, and was himself seized by Eowdy, who made his teeth meet in the ileshy part of the poor gentleman'-a arm. Mr. Fuuker, with a yell of agony, dropped the towel and sprang back, while Eowdy with a low growl resumed his defensive attitude upon the heap of clothes. His own dog, his Eowdy, didn't know him; and being better acquainted with his clothes, was keeping gijard over them, and preventing his master from resuming them. Hero was a predicament, one from which the wretched Funker saw no hopes of extrication, for of course the dog would stick to'the clothes for an,indefinite period, or until both himself and his master died of starvation. Aiid rescue — why the" bare thought of anybody coming down to that quiet nook and- seeing him in buff, almost took away his breath. He felt he^ could never survive a disclosure so dreadful. He tried all his powers of persuasion upon the dog — coaxed and wheedled and held out his hand and otherwise expressed to the dumb creature his desires, but the brute ivas immovable. Nor was lie at all influenced by the stones which Mr. Funker subsequently threw at him in attempting to drive him from his post by force. Nothing moved him. Violence and persuasion were "alike ineffectual, and Mr. Funker at last gave up the. contest in blank despair. He sat down upon a shaded' rock, and lamented his hard fate with sobs of anguish. Erani this agreeable occupation he was roiised in the course of a cou_ple of hours by the sound of human voices. He started up in terror, and not knowing where to hide his nakedness ran into the water ; but the tide was out, and there Vas scarcely enough water on the sands to cover his knees. However, in a suicidal and maniacal state of mind he squatted down and listened to the voices which were approaching him through the trees.

" There, ladies," lie heard some one say, as several Human forms came out upon a high rock which overlooked the bay, " what do you think of that ? That's a lovely view, isn't it ? — a perfect picture. You may talk of your Bays ,6f Naples and your Eio de Janeiros, if you like, but for real picturesque beauty — Grod bless my life and soul, what's that ?" "What was it? ~Why, it was Mr. Ferdinand Funker," of course, who was i writhing convulsively on the ' sands below, in the vaiu attempt to conceal himself from view. And a very extraordinary appearance Mr. Ferdinand Funker presented, as he lay there striving to bury himself in the sand, and making fr.antio efforts to stick his Lead under- water 1 There was a kind of scream from the group of spectators, a smothered sound as of female laughter, and then Mr. Funker became aware— that the ladies had iled, i and that a little pompous old man, | who seemed to be in a high state of excitement, was looking down upon j him with eyes of fury. j •."Come out of that, rascal!" Ipared this old fellow, with a passionate twirl of his stick. " You're a I blackguard ! You're an impertinent, trespassing blackguard ! Come /out of that at on.cc !". "I ' can't — indeed I < cue-cant !" groaned the unhappy Funker in anguish, and renewing his endeavours to make a sepulchre for himself in the sand. -, "-What do r l hear?"- shouted>he little old man on the rock. "You won't come out ? Do you know who lam ? I'll indict you for trespass.

I'll pro.secute you for indecency. I'll have you pulled out of that puddle and whipped. .I'll— — Oh, you infernal scoundrel !V

Well, to cut a long story short, the old gentleman got a couple of .constables, who proceeded to eject Mr. Ferdinand Funker from ' the property, Then the' reason of that gentleman's inability to • quit the place became apparent ; and, after some discussion, a policeman was sent to procure a suit of clothes for the miserable culprit. Funker dressed himself therein, and no sooner had he done so than hia faithful Eowdy rushed up to him, wagging his tail and barking joyously, as if in glee at the return of his longlost master.

Mr. Ferdinand Funker liad. to pay pretty clearly for bis trespass. .He sold his clog next day ; and I don't think he Las ever bathed since. — Sydney Mail.