FACETIǼ .

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 54, 20 February 1869, Page 5

FACE T I Ǽ .

Questionable. — Is a golden poem an ode-auriferous 1 A New Name for a Fog.- TJie air apparent. The Waiter's Epitaph. — " Coming, coming !M! M The Most Difficult Ascent. — Getting up a subscription. A Grave Mistake. — Accidentally burying a man alive. The Auctioneer's Epitaph. — " Going, going, gone ! " > Aiming at the End. — A parent chastising a child. Tiie Happy planter. -A man burying his mother-in-law. >Tv professional man lives so much from h.ind to mouth, as a dentist. To Smokers. —If two hogsheads make a pipe, how many- will make a cigar ? More Inconvenient to Speakers than a Falsetto Voice. — A false set o' teeth. G«dng Up. — How do you arrive at the height of a chtu-c^steejile on a hot day ?~ Pc r-spire. *■ The Difference. — A canter will give you ruddy cheeks ; a de-canter will" give you a ruddy nose. Diggory says lie always respects old age, except when some one cheats him with a pair of tough, chickens. The sheep in the meadow and $}© axe in the forest contribute tlieir "chops" for the support of man. Goliali is said to have been very much, nstonished when David's pebble hit him, rs such a thing never entered hj§ head before. Tt will be a highly agreeable piece of intelligence to hosts of charming women and fascinating men when they learn that ia company is in existence f ojs the purpose o> promoting " matrimonial alliances." ~v y —^■*?< : >od sort of a man was recently asked to subscß^&rp.&ehandelier fur the church. " Now," said he, " what's the use of a '•chandelier? After-you get it, you can't get any one to play on it." The Good Time Coming. — At a concert recently, at the conclusion of the song ''There's a good time coming," a country farmer got \7p, and exclaimed, " blister, -you couldn't fix the date, c mid you ? " Melting. — To plunge a young lady six fathoms deep in happiness, give her two canary birds, a half-dozen moonbeams, fifteen yards of ■'ilk, an ice cream, several rosebuds, a squeeze of the hand, and a, promise of a new bonuet. If she won't pieltj i£ will be because sho can't. Among the obituary notices of a country - . JptiPQTi we recently- noticed the following : • v "*f Mr. , of Maljern, aged eighty. t'iree, passed peacefully away, on Txiesday evening last, from single blessedness to matrimonial bliss, after a short but sudden attack by Mrs. , a blooming •widow of thirty- five." Father and Son.— A gentleman was chiding liis son for staying out late at nights — or rather early next morning — and said: " Why, when I was of your age lij 7 father "would not allow me to go out of the house after dark!" "Then you had a deuce of a father, you had," sneered the young profligate. Whereupon the father very rashly vociferated, "I had a confounded sight better one than you, you young rascal ! " Advice to the Girls. — Girls, do you waufc to get married, and do you want good husbands ? If so, cease to act like fouls.- Don't take pride in saying you never did any house-work — never cooked v "-.a pair of chickens — never made a bed, K,nd so on. Don't turn up your pretty nose at honest industry — never tell your friends that you are not obliged to work. When you go a shopping' never take your mother with you to " carry the bundle." I do not care a bit about woman's tears, since I have ascertained from Faraday — a glorious fellow that— that tears are merely chlorate of -sodium, carbonate of lime, and general folly. Ido not know if I have the chemicals quite right ; but, at anyrate, since I have heard of this chymic.ai analysis, I do not care for tears. — "Macmillan'-B Magazine." Doubtless, liot even his ' mother's, that must have fallen like the water from the rose of a Tater-cui over this' bad boy with' a ,i.riinble£ul pf heart. Domestic. — The cry of tliß day i 3 the crisis ; that of the night is the baby. 2Tever*give an infant a knife, in case it should cut its teeth. If a child ia troublesome, send it to a nursery-garden ; if the nnsaeryniaid cannot manage it, thenur- | s^ryman may. It is, the father's duty to feed his children ; remember that he is t'.cir pap-pa.' It ia vulgar to nod ; if youx wife "bobs" her head you needn't. Jars ;md broils should always bo confined to jama and beefstakes. If } r our wife asks for a shawl, give her one, especially if she says she shawl have it. Whsn the baby walks/give it a, perambulator, j 'l£ your wife dress'ss your dinner nicely, let her dress hcr^lf/as well. It is only the brute that beafe" his wife ; therefore never countenance a' husband having recourse to a clu.br '' The bast check for the milliner's fsj^. clieque for the amount. DocTfeTitity consists in uubtmnded in cold meat and "pickles.