PACETIE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume I, Issue 40, 14 November 1868, Page 6

PACETIE.

o Bumps of Curiosity— Chignons. " I'm not so strong as I used to he," iw the onion remarked after it was boiled. Poverty-stricken. — A man may bo called poverty-stricken when knocked down by a beggar. Why is a surgeon operating on a tumour like- a dandy? — Because he is cutting a swell. A man got so deep into debt that not one of his creditors v?as able to see him for three months. ' ' A yontig lady a3ks if we can throw any light upon kissing. We- don't want it — the thing is done just as well in the dark. We have heard. of but one old woman that " kissed her cow," but there are thousands of young ones that ki3B great cahes ! Tae yoting lady who burst into tears has been put together again, and is now •wearing hoops to prevent a recurrence of the accident. There are ties which should never be severe-.!, as the ill-used wife said when sha found her brute of a husband hanging in the hay-lof fc. A chap out west saya he cured palpitation of the heart by -tho application of j another palpitating heart to the parl j aSected. Wanted. — A cover for bare suspicion, a veil for the face of nature, buttons for breeches of privilege, landing for a vol.ime pf smoke, cement for broken engagements. A Western editor, in response to-'a subscriber who grumbles .that hi 3 morning paper was intolerably damp, saj r s, " that ib i 3 because there is so much due on it." A clergyman, in the course of a sermon recently :— v You need not clasp your hands so fervently in -prayer, that you can't get them open when the c^ntribr.tion-box conies r-mnd." "Can you tell me how tae word 'saloon' i 3 spelt ? " was asked of a Cockney by a quizzical fellow. '* Cartaiiily," said the Londoner with a look of triumph, " thei-e's a hess s , and a hay, and a hell, and two hoes, and a hen." A sensitive lady frr>m the country lool:Itlsj for a coach — "Pray, sir, are you engaged?" Cabman " Och, bless your pnrty soul, ma'am, I've bean married these seven years and have nine children." " J s.iy, Jim," says one friend to another on meeting, f : I hear pur friend A/has bedn in the oil -^peculation heavily. Has he tv.ade anything?" " Yes," says Jim, "he has made an assignment." T»igeniou3. — Here is a long sentence of thirty-two words which some ingenious person has got up with' just the" letter" £onnd in the word maiden. — "Ida, a jnaiden, <i mean man named Ned Lfean, and Media, a mad dame, made me mend a die and a dims, and mind asinine in a dim den in Maine. Morning Interview?. — A country paper, in recommending early risingand walking, says :—""Morni-g: — ""Morni-g interviews with nature are delightful." — " Susan," said a y<»ung lad/, " when you kindle the fire to-mor-row morning, open the window, so if Nature wants an interview she may come ia and have it." Filial Piety. — The following conversation, which, had it come to his knowledge, the late Mr. Lsech would have used a* an illustration of "Life in the Mining.Districts," has jast I>63n-repeat.ed to us :—: — JFirst Cqllier — " TUpre.'§ .been a fqire (explosion) at Jackvm*s pits." Second Collier — " My fey^ther worked there." "first Collier—'* Yes, and he's Mowed all to pieces." Second Collier — "By gum! why, Jie'd fcbi; ftfy knoife.—'' Staffordshire Ad vertistr." ; Xlow'A-le Strengthened Him. — A student of a*> America?* Rfcite Collate ha I a barrel of -ale deposited in his ro>m — contrary to the rule aad usage. Tie received a summons to appear before the pren leut, swio said, " Sir, I am informed that you havn a barrel of ale in your room." "Yes, sir." "Well, what explanation can you make ? " " WJiy, the fact is, sir, my physician advises me to try a little $v*h day as a tonic, and not wishing to stop at the various places where the beverage is retailed, f decided on having a barrol taken to. my room." "Indeed! an.fl h*ve yoji derived any.bsneh't from ths t»<s of 'ib ? " "Ah, yes, sir. When t.K^ banvl w.vj first taken to my room I covjl4 scarcely lift it f now I cau carry it jvifch thb groats ease." " '-' A Gomnrehsnsivo -Apology. — RowlandHill w"l.s -'p,r3-if,ly annoyed when ■. there '"happened to be any nnise in liis chapel, tofliverk tht attention of -fhis . hearers, front whai ha was sayingr- On one occasion he wa3 preaching taiarui'bf»&iQ most crowded ongra^atW^jSj^oyer^sfainWed to heai hjra. f I n,the"'nsi4^le l 6r"lus" discourse he wis 1 dismfniH? Ky'S'^gr^at jcosjoinotioiO ml nng of the ijalioriTt-j-and looking in that awlo^^^exctumoilt-'^y^h^'the matter tli^re 1 - T4io_xlevil seoms t.^ . have got vr\og2mjl "a coijntry-lo'ok; ing mRn immodiß^ly started "In his feeti ft'4:l a ; MreAsin^ j ?l^ Jt flttl it> reply saidi " No,^%W^%W«*iWW& «loing on {•; ! it's a la-ly Tvhai's faiitel ; and s!ie ? d a - f,\*, :n, asp. rvi A^xCt sas*a tiiccly to o >mo to~bx a hurry." " Oh, that's U. i<? ifc? " O V^-eil M\ HiM, drawing . hi^ hjn'l "-rf^-'ii". fa^ ; " hi-i T ho; f^e l->.ly'3 ' j^raott, "-' —~ fa 'Jfi-oWs loo," ' |