HUMOROUS.

Te Aroha News, Volume IV, Issue 200, 23 April 1887, Page 3

HUMOROUS.

What a barber mustn't do — Lather his wife. Why is a lunatic like an empty houße ?•— Because there is a vacant Btair. To all in Difficulties, — Here's, a wishing 1 yule-tide over them. Is it not very absurd to call' bills that you aro not able to pay " bills payable ?" Some folk are too proud to beg and too honest to steal, and so they get trusted. Don't judge a man by the umbrella ho carries. It may not be his. If you want to know whether a tree is hollow or not, axe it. "Good morning, Jones — how does the world use you ?" "It uses me up, thank you." A conductor can be polite to the ladies and at the ,vame time knock down the fare. When it comes to perseverance, the hog is entitled to a first premium ; for he always gets at the root of the matter. The difference between a Dumb Man and a Policeman. — One is never seen, the other never heard. The Rogue's Own Repast. — Directors and others who cook their accounts ought to be compelled to eat them. There is said to be a man in Warrington who in habitually so sleepy that his curiosity cannot be awakened. Carlyle says : " Laughter means sympathy." This will bring comfort to the man who has inadvertently trodden on an orange-peel. Parallel Existences. — A secret, like an oyster, cannot be kept too close — for the moment it is opened it ceases to exist. Some assert that the M.D. after physicians* names means " Money Down." "Industry must prosper," as the man said when holding the baby for his wife to chop wood. An Obliging Landlord. — " Hoolahan, I'm going to raise your rent. " ' 'Be jabbers, I'm glad o' that, sorr ! I'll be hanged if I can." An officer giving orders to a sentinel commanded him not to stir a foot, but walk up and down and see what he could hear. The difference between the daily existence of man and woman is that that of most men is made up of - toil, while that of most women is made up of — toilet. " Pitch your voice in a low key," says a. writer on etiquette. We presume etiquette can be temporarily dispensed with when trying to wake the boys in the morning. Impecunious Lover : " Be mine, Amanda, and you will be treated like an angel/ Maiden : "Yes, I suppose so. Nothing to eat and less to wear. No, I thank you. Saying and Thinking. — "You are very handsome," said a gentleman to a lady. " Pooh !" said the lady, " .so you would say if you did not think so." "And so yoa would think," answered he, "though I should not say so." How to Avoid Quarrels. — The late Mr John Jones being usked by a friend how he kept himself from being involved in quarrels, replied : "By letting the angry person have all the quarrel to himself. " An old judge told a young lawyer that he would do well to pick some of the feathers from the m Ings of his imagination and stick them into the tail of his judgment. Jakey — " Fadder, deres a fly in der soap.'' Mr (John — "Veil, eat all but derily before you show it to der waiter ; den you can get some more." Pat's Comparison. — " That's the smallest horse I ever saw," said a countryman on viewing a Shetland pony. " Indade, now," replied his Iri-,h companion, "I've seen one as small as two of him." She was a crank on the subject of music. A gentleman knocked at her door and asked :— " Does Mr Smith live here ?" " No, sir, his room is an octave higher in the next flat," she replied, in a pianissinioandante tone of voice. A rheumatic, who could scarcely hobble about, managed to slip out of bed, dress himself, and get down several flights of stairs, all in about two minutes, the other morning, in Edge-lane, because somebody had cried "Fire !" A Base Deception. — Mike (a shaky eredi tor). — " Shure, didn't ye git my tiligram last Friday, ordthcrin' tin barls uv unyunsz?" Pat. "Faith, Mike, I did; bufc shure when i saw by the wroitin' that ife wasn't yersilf that sint it at all, at all, I gist trated it as a forgery, and ignored it mtoirely.'' Comfort for Whales. — A poet, believed to be American, thus apostrophises the whole order of cetacca • — Ho! whales that sail the deep, repine not at your fa/c ; Your flesh illuminates the world, your bones make women great. This is the way the "Buffalo Courier" tries to help forward the reform : — At the academy la.st night it was noticed that only the homely and somewhat aged women wore high hats. The fact was the subject of general comment among the men. Men are strange creatures. They will waste an hour hunting a collar button instead of having an extra supply and letting their wife find the missing one. You never see a woman look for the pin she drops. Her husband finds it when he walks round in his bare feet. Boss : " What can I do for you ?" Applicant : " I can do the same work your pressent bookkeeper does for twenty dollars a month cheaper." "Thank you." "Are you going to let me take his place ?" " Well, no ; but I'll knock twenty dollars a month off his wages, thanks to your suggestion." Everything Ready for Him. — Fashionable Mother (to fashionable daughter) : Are you going out, dear ? — Fashionable Daughter : Yes, mamma. — Fashionable Mother : And if the hairdresser should come while you are out ? — Fashionable Daughter : Oh, I have left full instructions with Jane.