A SUCCESSFUL ADVERTISEMENT FOR A WIFE.

Te Aroha News, Volume II, Issue 57, 5 July 1884, Page 5

A SUCCESSFUL ADVERTISEMENT FOR A WIFE.

" Tobacco is the tomb of love," writes a modern novelist of high standing ; but with every respect for his authority, I beg to say it was quite the contrary in my case. Twenty-one years ago I was sitting by my fireside totting up innumerable pages of my bachelor's housekeeping book, taking exercise in arithmetic on long columns of " petty cash "—comprising items for carrots and bath-bricks, metal tacks and mutton chops— until, tired and wearied, I arrived at the sum total, and jerked the book on the mantelpiece. Nearly at the same time I placed my hand in the pocket of my dressing-gown, drew out a leather case, and lit a "principe." Well, having lit the " principe," I placed my feet on the fender and sighed, exhausted by my long job of domestic accounts. I was then in business— 'twas a small wholesale business then, 'tis a large one now — yet one morning's totting of carrots and bathbricks, of metal tacks and mutton chops, would tire me a thousand times moi-e than twenty-four hours of honest ledgerwork. I sighed, not from love, but from labour ; for, to tell you the truth, I had never been in love. Is this to go on for ever ? thought I, as I took my third whiff, and looked dreamily through the thin smoke as it ascended between me and a large print of the capture of Gibraltar, which hung over the chimney-piece. Am I to spend my prime in totting up parsnips, and computing carrots, and comptrolling washing bills ? I sighed again, and in the act off flew the button of my neckband, as though some superior power had seasonably sent theaccident to remind me of my helplessness. The button settled tho business. I pitied my own lonely state, and pity, we know, is akin to love. But how was the matter to be accomplished ? Most men at my age would already have bestowed their affections upon some fair idol ; so that, having made up their minds and counted the cost, little more would have remained to be done than to decide upon the day, and take out the license. This, however, was not the case with me. I had been too much occupied, too idle, or too indolent to devote the time or make the effort to "form an attachment." It was through no disinclination or difficulty to be pleased, for had any young lady of moderately agreeable powers taken the trouble, she might havo married me long ere then. I should even havo been grateful to her for taking the trouble off my hands, but I was too bashful to adopt the initiative. I was a bashful man. This weakness came from the same cause as my uncle Toby's, namely, a want of acquaintance with female socioty, which want arose from another cause in my case, namely, too closo an application to business. Accordingly I thought of an advertisement ; yet with no practical design of doing business, but, as I persuaded myself, for a joke, so I scribbled in pencil, on the back of a letter, the following :—: — WANTED, a Wifo. The advertiser does not require cash, but only a companion. He is six-and-twonty, and, tired of single, ho thinks hocan settle down to married, life. As men go, he believes he has a moderate share of temper, and want of time is his only reason for having recourse to the newspapers. He has enough means for himself and a second party, and is willing to treat at once. He is quite aware that a great many attempts to convert his honest intentions into an extravagant joke will be made, but he warns all rash intruders. If he finds a man hardy enough to make sport of his affections, he will thrash him ; if a woman he will forgive her. He has a heart for the sincere, a horsewhip for the impertinent. In either case, all applications will be promptly attended to if addressed to P.P., at the office of this paper ; none but principals need apply. I felt proud of my composition, and puffed away my "principe" with a vague glee and anticipation of something coming out of it. I had no very great idea that anything but fun would result ; and I certainly had not the slightest notion of in- j volving myself in a personal collision with anyone ; still the presentiment that it was not destined to be all a barren joke pressed upon me. On Saturday the advertisement appeared, and I heard its style canvassed by all my friends, and it to« jokingly suggested by more than one that I was tho domestically destitute individual who put it forth. On Monday morning I sent a boy to the newspaper office for P.P.'s letters. I expected he might be followed by some curious and inquisitive persons, so I told him on his way back to call at a bachelor neighbour's of mine for a book. The trick told. The lad was followed by some persons, who never lost sight of him until they ran him to my friend's, and then they went back and announced that he was the advertiser. I thus discharged in full one or two practical jokes Avhich my neighbour had played upon me. Theanswers were of the usual character; several seeking to elicit my name, and still more suggesting places of meeting, where I was to exhibit myself with a flower in my button-hole and a white handkerchief in my hand. One only looked like business. It was from a lady, who proposed an interview in a neighbouring city, about forty miles north. She said there was something so frank and straightforward in my advertisement that she was convinced it was real, and she could rely upon my keeping her name secret, if, after we met, nothing came of the meeting She would, therefore, see me at the , at G , on a certain day, and if mutual approbation did not follow the interview, why, there was no harm done. Most people would have put down this as a trap to give me a journey for nothing. I did not. A presentiment impelled me to accept and keep the engagement. This was in the old coaching days, when a man had timo to make an acquaintance in forty miles ; not so now, when you are at your journey's end before you have looked round your company in a railway carriage. There w ere but two inbides, mysolf and a pleasant, talkativo, honest-faced, elderly gentloman. Shy and timid in female society, I was yet esteemed animated and agreeablo enough amongst my own sex. Wo had no trouble, therefore, in making ourselves agreeablo to one another ; so much so that as the coach approached G , and the old gentleman learned that 1 meant to stop there that night, he asked me to waive ceremony and have a cup of tea with him after I had dined at my hotel. My "fair engagement" was not till next day, and, as I liked the old gentleman, I accepted his offer. After my pint of sherry, and a wash, I went in search of my coach j companion and my promised cup of tea. 1 had no difficulty in finding him out, for he was a man of substance and some import- j ance in the place. I was shown into the drawing-room. My old friend received me heartily, and introduced me to his wife and fivo daughters. "All spinsters, sir," said he; "young ladies whom an indiscriminating worla seems disposed to leave on my hands." " If we don't sell, papa," said the eldest, who, with her sisters, seemed to reflect her

father's fun, "it is not for want of puffing, for all your introductions are advertisements." At the mention of the last word I felt a little discomposed, and almostregretted my engagement for the next day, when that night, perhaps, my providential opportunity had arrived. I need not trouble my readers with all our sayings and doings during tea ; suffice it to say that I found them a very pleasant, friendly family, and was surprised to find I forgot all my shyness and timidity, encouraged by their good-tempered ease and conversation. They did not inquire whether 111 1 was married or single, for where there were five young unmated daughters the (question might seem invidious. I, however, in the freedom of the moment, volunteered the information of my bachelorhood. I thought I had no sooner communicated the fact than the girls passed round a glance of arch intelligence from one to the other. I cannot toll you how odd I felt at that moment. My sensations were between pleasure and confusion, as a suspicion crossed my mind and helped, 1 felt, to colour my cheek. Presently, however, the eldest, with an assumed indifference which cost her an effort, asked where I was staying. "At the ■ Hotel," I answered, with some embarrassment. It was with difficulty they restrained a laugh ; they bit their lips, and I had no longer a suspicion, I was certain. So, after having some music, when I rose to depart I mustered courage, as I bade them good-bye, to say aside to the eldest; "Shall P.P. consider this the interview ?" Innocence told me I had sent my random arrow to the right quarter ; so I pressed the matter no further at that moment, but I did her hand. I remained in at my hotel next day until an hour after the appointed time, but no one made their appearance. " Then,'' thought I, -whilst performing my toilet, ' ' since the mountain will not come to Mahomet, Mahomet must go to the mountain ;" so I walked across to my old friend's. The young ladies were all in. The eldest was engaged with some embroidery at the window. I had therefore an opportunity, as I leant over the frame, te whisper: "S.S. is not punctual." The crimson in her face and neck was now so deep that a sceptic himself would no longer doubt I reed say no more. That evening, in her favor's garden, she confessed that she and her sisters had conspired to bring me up to G on a fool's errand, never meaning, of course, to keep the engagement. "Then," said I, "since you designed to take me in, you must consent to make me happy." " And what did she say, papa ?" asks my second daughter, who is now looking over my shoulder as I write. " Why, you little goose, ask your mamma what her answer was." — Prize "Tit Bit."