Wise and Otherwise.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 6, Issue 291, 10 July 1917, Page 3

Wise and Otherwise.

Flippant Cockney (to countryman): "Are there many fools in part of the world, my l«id." "Yokel: Not as ■ome likeP" • * » • a

Brown (impatiently): "Why don't you marry that girlP She is a real pearl." Jones (darkly): "That may be, but I don't like 'mother-of-pearl.' " • • • » *

Marks: "Say, old man, did I ever tell you about the awful fright I got on my wedding day?" Parks: "S-sh-h! No man should speak that way of his wife I" t * # i *

"What brought you here?" asked the prison chaplain. "Youth," said the convict, sadly. "Youth? Why you look quite fifty." "Not my youth, my lawyer's." * # • » *

"What started the riot at the performance of 'Hamlet' last night?" "Why, Hamlet held the skull and said, 'Alas! poor Yorick! You are not the only deadhead in the house.' "

Wife: "You were late last night." Hub: "Beg pardon, my dear. As I came in the door the clock struck eleven." Wife: "But what time did you arrive at the head of the stairs?"

"Are your neighbours gossipy?" asked Billings. "Some of them must be," answered Gittings, "judging by the amount of information about them that my wife reports to me."

She (concerned about her mother's health): "Don't you think mother should have a change? I don't like her looks at present.'' The ,Brute (heartily): "I never did."

She: "They held a mirror over hci face to see if she was alive. I don't understand that." lie: "Why, you see, if she was alive she'd open her eyes and look in it."

"Has Willie Giggs a responsible position?" asked one girl. "Yes," replied the other, "in one way. Every time his employer rings a bell he's expected to respond."

• » * # » "I can't understand it." "What? "In winter-time my husband can't get home to supper before 10 o'clock, but in summer he's always at the cricket ground at seven." • # # • •

Miss Passe (hopelessly) : "No, I don't think that I can ever learn to ride a bicycle." Miss Up-to-date; "Oh, nonsense! Cato learnt Greek at 80, so don't be discouraged." # » « » «

"What're ye comin' home with your milk-pail empty for?" demanded the farmer. "Didn't the old cow give anything?" "Yess," replied his boy; "nine quarts and one kick."

Guide (taking a party round a big college); "And this is the examination room." One of the Party: "Why, it smells like a churchyard." Guide: "Yes; many hopes lie buried here " *'***•

"I hear you actually encourage youi boy to send poetry to the magazines. Do you want our son to become a poet?", "No; I merely want him to get the conceit knocked out of him."

"Were you nervous when you proposed to your wife?" asked the sentijnental person. "No," replied Mr. Meek, 'but if I could have foreseen the next ten years I would have been." * # # *

"English is a funny language, after all." "Why so?" "I heard a man talking of a political candidate the other day say: 'lf lie only takes this stand when he runs, he'll have a walkover.' "

• * * * * Magistrate (to colored prisoner): "you are charged, sir, with beating your wife." Sambo: "Yes, sail, an' I'se proud of it, sail." Magistrate: "Proud of it, why?" Sambo: "Kase, jah, she weighs 201b. mo'n me." • * • * *

The Suitor: "I am going to marry your sister, Johnny, but I know I am not good enough for her." The Little Brother: "That's what Sis says, but ma's been telling her she can't do any better." • » * * «

Village Constable (to villager who has been knocked down by passing motor-cyclist): "You didn't see the number, but could you swear to the man?" Villager: "I did, but I don't think he heard me." • » « » » "A man has invented a way of compressing a large meal into the space of half a crown." "That's good, but —" "But what?" "What we really want is the price of a large meal compressed into a coin the size of a six-pence.'# • * * « • "So you committed this burglary quite unassisted —no accomplices?'' asked a Judge. "Not one, my Lord," replied the prisoner; "it is a lisky thing to have a pal in my profession. I can never be sure whether he is honest or not." * # • * * "Pardon me," said the lady on a marketing expedition, "hut aie these eggs fre-.li !.ii<! "Absolutely, madam," replied the grocer, piomptly. The farmer I piu«ha>« <l those eggs from won't allow his lirns to lay tlieni any other way." ***** "Pshaw!" scornfully ejaculated the fond mother. "What do you know about babies?" "Very little," humbly acknowledged the bachelor who had ventured an opinion, "except that some years ago 1 had considerable practice at being one." « * * * Old Lady (who sleeps badly): "Now, Mary, if 1 should want to light mv candle, are the matches there?" Mary: "Yes. ma'am, there's one." Old Lady: "One! Why, if it misses fire, or won't light?" Mary: 'Oh, no fear of that, ma am. Suie I tiled it!" #»»**, He was - " king i.'.;lgu",g-\ and tl"j land!'"!*' a'. \'o. 21 was showiv.g him over the house " 1 Ins is the bed!ror>nt." -h" "very nice and airy. tn ,| ,:,i. j. '..1 liathro'iiii Tim.; tiotieir 'A ■■ asi..ni-l.:nrnt "n •h? j ; c•,■ i fice, she acKl- cl: "Of <eur r,. ,i ! ever did want a hath, I could l:J I ifojb place for ?be •oal." 'BB

TUHIMATA. PTF. J. TOOMAN FAREWELLED A farewell social to Private Joe Tooman, who was home on final leave, took place in '"The Barn" on Wednesday last, when a crowded house testified to the esteem in which the departing soldier was held by a large circle of neighbours and by friends from adjoining districts. A lergtliy and varied programme, interspersed with dancing and games, was well rendered both by visitors and local talent. Mr Fyfe caused much laughter by his rendering of Scotch words, while little Alice Siewar', of Paerata, sang delightfully. In a few well chosen words Mr T. Hamilton presented the g'uest of the evening with a case of pipes fiom the local creamery suppliers. Mr Qlasson, on behalf of the residents of Drury, spoke in very laudable terms of the manner in which Private Tooman had at all times been ready and willing to assist in any movement for the public good, while Mr J. Glenie voiced the sentiments of the Pukekohe East folk. Private Tooman, who was loudly applauded on rising to speak, thanked those assembled for their kind remarks and good wishes, and stated that when the time came he intended to do his bit. A word of praise is due to Mr Steele for the able manner in which he supplied the music for the dancing.

A very pleasant evening terminated by all joining in singing Auld Lang Syne. \