THE TALE OF A PIPE.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 4, Issue 14, 19 February 1915, Page 1 (Supplement)

THE TALE OF A PIPE.

Another amusing story of the Duke » of Connaught concerns his hobby of collecting pipes. His Royal Highness has one of the finest collections of pipes in the world, and on one occasion a very Wealthy American begged him to give him one as a souvenir. , . The Duke gave the \ankee a nice pipe, and the latter was naturally profuse in his thanks. Some time afterwards the American again met his Royal Highness, and assured him that the pipe was the finest that he had ever smoked. "I'm very pleased to hear trial, answered the Duke with a smile, because I found, after I had given you the pipe, that it was not one of mine at all!" "K. OF K.'S" COMPLIMENT. Most people believe that Lord Kitchener is such a very stern man that he is unable to pay compliments, especially to members of the fair sex; but a charming story is told of a very neat compliment that he once paid to the wife of a noted General. The lady was twitting him for remaining a bachelor, and hinted that he would do better if he took to himself a wife. "Madam," replied Kitchener with mock gravity, "I dare not marry!" "Dare not! Why, what ao you mean?" "The contrast of my state ana that of your husband might disgust me!" answered his lordship gallantly.

"GOVERNMENT STORES." During the tireless witch of our Navy on the Sea many a sailor'sleart must have turned with tender feelings towards Miss Agnes Weston, whose noble philanthropic work among Jack Tars has earned for her the name of "the Sailors' Friend." Miss Weston can tell many gooff anecdotes about our boys in blue, but one of the best is the following. One night a sailor entered one of the Sailors' Homes of Rest at Portsmouth carrying a heavy bundle on his back. He placed it on the ground and out came a very intoxicated shipmate. "I found him in the gutter, explained the first sarior. "The poor chap couldn't stand, and I had no money to pay for a cab, so I thought I'd best carry him. The patrol came along and said I was carrying away Government stores. 'So I am,' I ses, 'but I ain't stealing. I'm a-takin them along to Miss Weston.' I was allowed to pass, an' here's the 'Government stores' safe an' sound." Needless to say, the tar who had imbibed too freely was quite safe under Miss Weston's care, and the good advice he got from her was probably sufficient to make him abstain from too much strong drink in the future.

WHAT INTERESTED HIM. Large numbers of people connected with the theatrical profession have responded to their country's call in the present crisis. One of the most prominent of these is Sir Arthur Pinero, the famous dramatist who. as Chairman of the United Art* Corps, is doing a great deal of hard work just now. Sir Arthur tells an amusing story of a conversation he once heard while watching one of his own plays in the stalls of a West End theatre. A lady and her little boy were sitting near him, and as the curtain went down on the second act the fond mother turned to her son and raid: "Well, dear, are you enjoying it?" "Oh, yes, mamma," replied the youngster gleefully; "do you l.now, there are sixty-nine men in this theatre who have got bald spots cr. the tops of their heads! I have counted them five times!" . j tl After that the lady enjoyed the rest of the play without asking her young hopeful any more questions.

Teacher (to cliu«): "I will rive » ~.Miny to tlio bov who can give me three invisible colours." , (i Tommv Smith: "1 enn. sir. Teacher: "(in on. then.' Tommy Smith: "A ' > • n after a siimvst or in is an invisible croon. Teacher "Very good. V\v, then the nost Tommy Smith: " Dnnnp the recent luir&lnriesj round our there was bo policeman about, Hints an invisible hluo." Teacher: "If you p>o on like that jo.i cilmil only have a halfpenny.'' Tommy Smith (anflnly): We l , P»* the halfpenny in vour pocket anl ttoat will lie an invisible brown.