FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2895, 8 September 1909, Page 68

FUN AND FANCY.

— Talk sense to a young girl and nonsense to an old one if you would please them. — Nothing makes a man feel more important than his ability to answer the questions of a small boy. — The last words of great men stick in our memories; but far more often the last words of little women. — Prisoner : " What — that man going to defend me? Why, he couldn't pull an innocent person, through !" —In the beginning, the woman sits down, and waits for a husband; in the end, she sits up and waits for him — A woman oan thrill as deeply over her preparations for house-cleaning as a man over getting ready for a Polar expedition. — When a woman admires an article in a shop, and then finds it ie very costly, she regards that as proof that she has good taste. — When a girl is fishing for a man and catching him she will pretty nearly always unhook him if she is sure she can do it again. — When children are told wbat a. smart man their father is, they look at their mother as if asking iher if they are to believe it. , _.... —"I cay, mamma," sa:d little Wilhe, peering into the pages of an uncut magazine, "how do they manage to get m» printing in there?" , - j — "Do you really mean that you* like BlinksV last book?"'— "Yes; I enjoyed it more than any of the others."— "How could you?"— "I didn't lead it." —Mr Oldstyle: ". I don't think that r a college education amounts to much. Mr Sparerod: "Don't you? Well, you ought to foot my boy's bills and see. — "I'm not in mourning, said a young lady frankly to a querist, "but as the widows are getting all the offers nowadays, we poor girls have to resort to artifice. — She : "Do you remember that 30 years a*o you proposed to me, and tfoat I refused you?" He: "Oh, yes! That's one of the most treasured recollections of my youth. —"Yes, 1 discovered a burglar in our parlour last night. "-"My gracious 1 Did you faint?"— "No; I tried to oatch nun, Du t » "Ah! your usual luck with men, eh?" — The tickets to the village ball were not transferable, and this w*& the way they read: "Admit this gentleman to ball in assembly rooms. No gentleman admitted unless he comes himself." . « \ n > wlut's the maitter wi' you? demanded Sandy. "Naething's th' maitter wi' me. Why?"-"V' gied me a nesty look."— "Me?- V' certainly hey a nesty look, bit I didna gie y't." — Mrs Newed (sobbing): "Oh J-{ ohn j The c-cat has e-eaten all the cake I b-ibaked this morning. 800-hoo-o-h !" Newed (consolingly) : " Well, don't cry.dear ! 1 11 buy you another cat to-morrow." — Gentleman: "What do you mean by putting your hacd in my pocket? Jjigtotfingeredßill: Excuse, me sir; Imeo ab-sent-minded. I used to have 1C pair of trousers exactly like yours. — "Do you think, young man, that you could give my daughter all she asks fox? questioned pap* grimly. '"^-"rrjjg* so, sir," murmured the lover, bashfully. " She says she wants only me.' -Teacher: "What is it. Torn?',' Torn: "Jimmy's swearing!" Teacher: .What did he say?" Tom: "Well, maim, if you say over all the cuss words you know, 111 tell you when you come to it. -•'I guess my father must have been bad," saToneW^. T^IJZ quired the other. "Because he knows exactly what questions to ask when he wants to know what I've been doing. -"Some novelists don't know what they're talking about. Here. ™«J™? sneaks of a girl's 'raven hair. — Wjiats wWg with it?"-All wrong. Ravens don't wear hair; they wear feathers! -Mr Misfit (savagely) : "B*i?™} you, was there any doddering idiot gone on JS n ' ? » Mrs Misfit: "There was > one. Mr Misfit: "I wish to goodness you d married him" Mrs Misfit: "I did." -New Farm Tenant: "Turning out the pigs, are you? Well, we don't turn °ut no Pi«. We fate 'em up quick in the sty, an 'saves time." Old Pigkeeper: 'Law bless me, master. Wot's tonne to a tor? -Visitor: "Why do you have 'Keepoff the grass' «gae all over this park. You don't seem to enforce the rule.,. rarK keeper; "We do it ao ftat jwpkdl more thoroughly enjoy being on ***»«■ — "It would please me very much, Mv» Stout," said Mr Mugley, "tf.JW would go to the theatre with me this «?«"?£. "Have you secured f the seats," inquired Miss Vera Stout. "Oh come, now he protested, "you're not. so kaav F *U *«*: -The Beauty (turning from long gaze m mirror) : "I do envy you." The Friend Meased but incredulous) : "You envy me, 1 dear! I wonder why?' The Beauty: "Because you can see the real me. l can never see anything but the merry reflec1— It was the American's first morning jn London "apartments," and his landlady came up with the breakfast, and, as he began the meal, opened a slight conversation. " It looks like rain," she said. It does, replied the American, "but i*- smells rather like coffee." , „ — Ah! how are you, Mr Jones? said a wily debtor on meeting one of his creditors in the street. "Glad to see you, I m sure Have a pinch of snuff?" "Thank you ; but not before you"v« settled that little bill of mine," replied the creditor. "You escaped me the other day whilst I was sneezing. — The artist had finished his landscape; on looking up. he beheld an Irish navvy gazing at his canvas. "Well," eaid the artist, familiarly, "do you suppose you could make a picture like that?" The Irishman mopped hi*, forehead a moment. "Sure a man c'n do anything if he's drtiv to it. ho replied. — A gentleman visitinj, some relatives 'n Scotland was persuaded to try a game of golf. At his first stroke he aimed a terrific blow at the ball, scattering the turf to right and left, and looked around for the lesult. "What have I hit?" he asked. " Scotland, sir," gruffly answered the caddie, who took no pains to conceal his contempt for such an unaccomplished player. —He came home in the small hours of the morning, and his loving spouse confronted him with wrath in her eye and a telegram in her hand, saying: '"Here is news that has been waiting for you since supper-time." He blinked, looked wise, and, braced up against the hat-rack, felt.

througn ins pockets, murmuring : JC I mr . m? glasses in town." "Yes," she replied*, with scathing irony; "but you brought th© contents with you."