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Clutha Leader, Volume V, Issue 209, 12 July 1878, Page 3

Facetiæ.

41 A little nonsense now and then, Is relished by the wisest men." When are people like a piece of music 1 — When they have crotchets in their heads.

When may babies be said to be literally living* from hand to mouth 1 ?-— When they are sucking- their thumbs.

An advertisement in a New York paper offers board and lodging* " for two persons of some refinement but no flummery."

An old bachelor probably wrote the following 1 : * 'Twist women and wine man's lot is to smart; 'tis wine makes his head ache, and womon hsi heart."

Driving- past some harvest-fields, an Irish coachman, addressing* a smart girl engaged in sheaving', exclaimed, " Arrah, my darling 1 , I wish I was in gaol for stealin' ye !"

The poet Long-fellow asked a French gentleman at a party why he seemed so sad and unhappy ; to wliich the latter replied, "Me very mosh dissatisfy. Me jus hear zat my fadere be dead."

Mr Spilkins took the baby up the other day, and extended it at arms' length till he got red in the* face. " What on earth are you doing;, Leander?" asked Mrs S. in dismay. " Oh, my love," replied Spilkins, " I'm only holding- out the olive-branch !"

A clergyman preaching a sermon on death concluded with the following observation : " But even death, my brethren, so we'll deserved by mankind for their sins, the wisdom of Providence has, in its paternal kindness, put at the end of our existence ; for only think what life would be worth if death were at the beginning."

A lady gave her little boy three goldfish as a present. Full of curiosity, the little fellow fed them and worried them so much that two of them soon died. A few days afterwards his mother was shocked to see the other lying in the water, cut in halves. On seeking an explanation, she was innocently informed, " Ob,fma, he was so lonely all by himeslf, and I tried to make two of him !"

Brown recently sent to know if he was .to appear in dress clothes afc Jones's suburban house, or if it was merely " a chop and a smoke" be was invited to. Thereupon Jones telegraphed — " You must wear a tail-coat." Struck by the brevity ofthe communication, theyoung lady^at the telegraph-office inquired, "ps that all, sir ?" Poor Jones, who is very bashful, was horrified, and hastily added, " And your other evening clothes."

While enjoyingthehospitalitiesof An-g-ora, in Asia Minor, a short time back, Captain Burnaby heard a droll anecdote regarding Mahomet, who, it appears, was much bothered one day by an old woman wanting; to know to which particular heaven she would be sent. The Prophet ang-rily replied that there • would be no old women at all m heaven. The ancient dame was terribly disgusted at this, and collected all the old women in Mecca to complain to the Prophet of their evil fate and threaten all manner of thing's. This was serious, but the Prophet escaped from the dilemma by saying* that it was quite true that there would be no old women in Heaven, because they would all become young- again. An old recruiting-general tells the following — "It was on the 14th of May, 18S9, I 'listed a recruit in Dublin, and put the question to him, as is usual, and gave him a shilling, and walked him to barracks as fine as a fiddle. Well, in a few days he was claimed as a 'prentice, and so he was had up before .the mayor, and he was committed for trial. At the following* 'sizes I was called as a witness, and the lawyer that defended him told me that I did not 'list him. ' I did,' says I. * Did you put the question to him rightly V says he. ' I did,' says I. 1 By the virtue of your oath now,' says he., 'just ask me the questions, for I don't believe you asked him.' * How do you know V sj^sl — ' for by this and your husinessJffiffiMP|ft an d he held out his hancygKraHKirdingly I pulled says 'M^SSBKmß^^^^ shilling back *° r mSKHK^- ' I can 't ta^ e i*' s "'» , sa m_____Wy not V says he. ' Why V Q >lHHHBvVhy, shure'l can't take it _______Wye go before the magistrate _______Wtbo " smart money " ' (whicb. HHRpcruit must pay if he wants to gHPSfcased from service). 'You be !' says he ; and he pht the HHey in his pocket • and I called to HHordship on the bench for a witness \____\ I had .'listed him; and, oh,, but HHyvas a roar in the court ! Begorra, HHudge laughed till the tears ran HHi his face. Well, the decision o BHftourt being in my favour, I axed JHH vl n e it -I 'could take away my new H^flit, and they all roared again, anc HHJounsellor got as red as a turkey* HHBaud nearly mad. At last he mad* HflH>est he could of it, and says I t< says I, < Don't 'list ii |^H.me next time, sir.' «What then 1 B^H he ; snappishly. « Oh, yer 'oner, BHHpf^stick :to-the rifles— that's trior ■HB^^way.'y Well; begorra, when:; B^KthpnajbKJthought he'd .die,;' an HKyi laughing/he -bid in H^ppStli^srriart; money 'for .myself." :