IRON MEN

Bay of Plenty Beacon, Issue 8, 31 July 1945, Page 5

IRON MEN

TEAM SURVEY

YE HILLY BILLY FORM

Woe are they who have been eagerly anticipating August 18, ye day of final slaughter between the Carriers and Stock Agents (the Hai'ry Fairies and the Hilly Billies) , for fate lias dtecreed that it shall not be. Nay indeed; for a travelling team has decided to descend on this fair town like wolves on the fold on that date' and the Hilliesi and the Hairies, being the spirit of geniality personified, have smilingly condescended to postpone their massacre till a later date. Have no fear—the new date shall be advertised for all to behold 1 . News has reached us through unorthodox channels that the hospital intends holding 30 beds vacant on the day of the match in preparation and the operating theatre, will be held in readiness for the referee. Blood-letters complete with leeches and all weapons of the trade will stand to the alert on the side line. Blood transfusions will be available to both players and spectators at a purely nominal fee. Each team intends holding 30 emergency players in readiness. Players are reminded once again that in the main object of football is to play the ball. Should the day be drizzly, umbrellas will be permitted on the field. Bowler hats will not be permitted. Neither will running shoes. Such are the rules laid down.

Having^, according to regulations, stated in full, the comulete rules governing the we take much pleasure in reprinting the following preview of Hilly Billie form, which has been handed on to us from the manager, coach aaid chief heavyweight forward of the team, whose name, and form appear at the bottom of this list. The team will consist of the following fire-eaters: —

Harry Armstrong—The strong arm of the team. Will be a credit at the beginning of the match but probably a debit at the end. Has had his merits extolled in the well-known song, "I'm Just Wild About Harry."

Stan Burstall—Very fast (on the field). Has some Wonder Licks for the Hairies. Will doubtless burst all records. Stanley Track and Stanley Falls in .Africa were named after him.

Stan Beaumont—Named after Stanley Track and Stanley Falls in Africa. Will do his best to keep up the reputation of the Beau Pere Line. A dangerous man on the loose (par r don we mean 'in' not 'on')

9 Roger Corcoran —A real corker. Descended from Sir Roger de Coverley. Represented Scotland against Eyre in the international sausage eating contest.

Bert Cutler —The newest Daddy in the team. It. is rumoured that Dad and Baby Bert go for a prelim, every morning. It is also rumoured that Baby Bert has aspirations towards being a cowboy, and that Dad now spends all his spare time as a horse. j Max Hunt —One of the famous Maxina—Huntaway line breed. Half brother to Treasure Hunt V.H.C., C.O.R. Intends to practice sheaftossing Ha'iry Fairies over the goal post. Ray Hunter —A hunter of fame. Also a punter of fame, (once again we mean solely on the football field). Bill McKenzie—After whom America named the McKenzie Country— that large and desolate stretch of blizzard blown country in hte north inhabited only by villains, brigands.,,' and insurance agents. (We have had the unnecessary distinction pointed out to us). Billj named after William the Conqueror, is # we hear, training between Whakatane and Waimana. Ru Mollgaard—A fighting viking who balances books and unbalances Carriers—the former the latter oftfen. Beware! Kevin Price —His able side-step-ping of pigs stamps him as a winger of class. (No reflection, on the Hairies intended). Clive Reid—Born to the strains of 'Basic Boogie'; cut teeth on piano. Has been warned against humming 'Bounce Me Brother Eight to the Bar' in front of Carriers lest they take the hint. Allan Stewart—Veteran player. The Hairy Faries will doubtless get 1 their fair ration of Stew without

coupons. Whether he will give it, or whether they will take it is a moot point. Martin-Smith —Final appearance before putting into practice the old slogan 'Go North Young Man.' The last of the Martins whose feud is immortalised in the song 'The Martins and the Coys' (they were reekICS's mountain boys). The 'Smith' is merely a nom-de-plume adopted to disguise this fact lest he should happen to meet a coy Coy. Adam Turnbull—A raddle artist of repute. Appears to think twice before eating an apple. Will have no hesitation in eating an odd Carrier or two. Directly descended from Adam whose curiosity lost him his cushy job and forced him on to the dole. Tom Brassey—Our informant was unable to offer any comment upon this player but consulting Webster's Dictionary, we find that a brassey is 'a golf club shod with brass.' This mail should certainly prove a terrible weapon against Hairy Faries. AVithout doubt he will also lend to the Hillies terrific 'driving' force. Les Brown —Fire, terrific stamina —all of these will the Hairies have to contend with when they face the Hillies for in this man alone rests the brains, and the muscle of the entire team. He will be leading the pack wherever the pack happens to be he will be feeding the wherever the backs happen to be, and he will be beating up the referee wherever the referee happens to be. Actually the match is The Hairy Fairies vrs. Les Brown, but being of a shy, modest and retiring disposition he has decided to give 14 other men a game in order to shield him from the public gaze while he makes his dashing display. He is hero-worshipped by big little and tiny. He is a veritable giant of the world of sport. A man tried and proven; guaranteed to score at least five tries. He is a ... . (We regret that it was necessary to cut the list of this last player's qualities a trifle short. They alone, filled four foolscap pages—both sides. In closing this review we must congratulate Mr Brown on this list of comments, particularly those attached to his own name. Doubtless, every player mentioned will run true to form. We accordingly look to Mr Brown lor five tries. Ed.) But what of the Hairy Fairies ? Are they cringing beneath the stinging lash of Hilly Billy form ? Let them also .show their wares.