BEFORE YOU SAY “YES”

Waikato Times, Volume 127, Issue 21194, 17 August 1940, Page 16 (Supplement)

BEFORE YOU SAY “YES”

Are You About to Become Engaged ? YI7HEN a proposal of marriage, even the modern, informal kind of proposal, is imminent, when the young man’s attentions are not merely persistent but obviously serious, everyone gets interested. This is often a painful time for the girl concerned. She knows perfectly well, though she would not admit it for worlds, what people are whispering and expecting. The most ordinary social occasions become an ordeal for her. When she isn’t singing for joy, she is liable to be short-tempered or moody. And she finds life all the more difficult because, in the midst of so many external strains, her own most private and personal thoughts and emotions may very well cause her infinite perplexity. This is the time when she will receive plenty of advice from her family and her friends. Some of it will be jocular and careless. Some of it will be well-meant and useful to her. But it is very rare for anyone \o attempt to awaken a girl’s imagination, to throw it forward into the future, to make her realise (what it is always so hard for the young to realise) that time and experience change everyone’s outlook. The decision the young girl makes now will have consequences which the older woman she will grow into must put up with in years to come. To a girl who is seriously considering whether she will marry a certain young man or not. I would give this advice : Above all. remember that in the space of a few moments you will be deciding your whole future, and not yours alone, but the future of your children. But don’t forget that while, as Shakespeare said. “Youth’s a stuff will not endure,” your marriage has got to endure if it is not to make a wreck of your life. And it cannot possibly give you lasting happiness unless the exultations and doubts and nerve-storms you are feeling now spring from something more than an infatuation, something sound and sincere, something which belongs to the essential part of you. the part which will still be you when (though you can hardly imagine this now) your eyes have lost some of their sparkle, your hair begins to turn grey and youth shows its lack of endurance by whispering to you as it departs that you no longer feel equal to dancing into the small hours. Sooner or later you’ll have to admit that you are no longer young. That’s inevitable. None of us can escape it. You won’t even value your youth till you feel it slipping away. There are plenty of compensations, however. You need not bother about them yet, except to note that the best of ail is a lasting love freely given and returned. And what you have to decide now, in your youth, is whether your feeling for this young man, and his for you, is genuine and durable. Will it carry you both through middle age to the time when your keenest pleasure will be to look back on a long married life and conclude that it was all well worth while ? Showing Your Best Side Don’t be shocked if I tell you that people in love are always apt to be a bit hypocritical. They can’t help it. It’s a subconscious process. You know that birds in the mating season deck themselves out in their brightest plumage. You’ve seen a peacock spreading his tail in the sun. Well, something like that happens with human beings when they fall in love. It’s not only that they take extra care with their appearance; they show all the best side of their behaviour to the object of their affections. And that, I daresay, is what your young man is doing to you. There’s no intent to deceive. In fact, if you look back on the way you’ve been behaving to him, you’ll find that you’ve been doing just the same. But if you are going to get a true and comprehensive picture of your possible future husband as he really is, you’ll have to take this into account. Count up your young man’s faults as coolly as you can, and then let your imagination conjure up pictures of children resembling both him and yourself. Apart from little tricks of behaviour which may get on your nerves, are you going to be deeply wounded at finding serious faults inherited from their father in your children ? I mean such things as obstinacy, persistent lying, laziness, greed, meanness, irresponsibility, slovenliness, brooding over imaginary wrongs. This is a task which you ought to face before the young man finds his opportunity to propose. You may be ready to put up with Ull sorts of defects in him, for your own sake, but you must remember that you have a duty to the children you may bear. It’s not difficult to dodge this obligation. You can say “Yes” without taking much thought about it. But you won’t be able to dodge the consequences. It's up to you, however, to be fair. Don’t overlook the fact that he also is assuming a great responsibility; he is taking you with your faults and weaknesses as well as your good points. And there’s no need to be scared if you find on reflection that he is not quite so perfect as he seems in romantic moments. You’d probably ' 'jhate to be married to a paragon. You won’t be able to reform him aiYvsyzether. but if he loves you he’ll make a big effort to live up to your \desl of him. And if you can imagine yourself into the future in this*way. and see your young man not as your sweetheart but as your miViVtle-aged husband, with children you’ll be proud of, then have no mofte fears. Wait till he asks you and then, without a tremor of doubt, say VYes.”