Wit & Humour

Waikato Times, Volume 127, Issue 21176, 27 July 1940, Page 18 (Supplement)

Wit & Humour

NEW IDENTITY “ I is ... ” began a school boy. “ I am,” corrected his English teacher. So the boy proceeded, “ I am the ninth letter in the alphabet.” WHAT A LANGUAGE! Bridge Fan: I didn’t play no trumps all evening. Uninitiated Friend: What grammar! GROUNDED! “ Is my son getting well grounded in languages? ” “ I would put it even stronger than that,” replied the teacher. “ I may say that he is actually stranded on them.” SIMILAR TREND Teacher pointed out that a surname often indicated the trade of the ancestors of those who bore the name. He gave, as examples, Smith, Taylor, Baker, and others. Then he questioned one of the boys. “ What were your ancestors, Webb? ” “ Spiders, sir.” FAMOUS REMARKS Wife: My husband wants me to take a trip around the world, but I think I want to go somewhere else. AHEM! " The last speaker,” said the chairman of the Health Congress, “ is a striking example of the efficacy of the doctrines he so eloquently advocates. Hale and hearty at 80 years of age, he could tire out many a man younger than himself.” A voice from the audience: He did! PENNY BANK Little Milton: Why do they call it a mite box? Big Brother: Because you might put something in and you might not. NO NEED TO GO “Let’s all go to the zoo, Mummy.” “I’m surprised at you, wanting to see a lot of monkeys and ybur Uncle Dick and Aunt Jane only up to London for the day.” ATTRACTION Miss Howler: Did my voice fill the drawing-room? Mr Bluntly: No, it filled the refreshment room and the conservatory. IF IT DIDN’T OPEN The recruits were having their first lesson in the use of the parachute. “Now,” said the instructor, “if anything goes wrong in the air, just jump out, count three, and pull this ring, and you’ll land as soft as a maiden’s kiss. If it doesn’t open, bring it back and we’ll give you another one.”

ADVICE “Where are some good places to stop on this trip?” asked the prospective automobile tourist. “At all railroad crossings,” replied the clerk in the tourist bureau. BABY KNEW IT Two friends were travelling up to business in the same carriage. Suddenly one of them gave a terrific yawn. “Tired, old chap?” asked his friend. “Were you up late last night? Well I read somewhere that a scientist said four hours’ sleep is enough for any man.” The weary one looked at him and gave another yarn. “That’s nothing new,” he grunted. “My baby knew it he was a month old.” SECRET WEAPON At 3 British observation post on the Western Front, Private Jones was peering into the distance with his field glasses, when suddenly an adventurous flea started climbing across the glass at the far end. The watcher gazed for a moment in amazement, then turned and gasped: Lumme —they’re coming over on camels A GOOD CHOICE A friend asked Pat one day if he had to choose between the sun and the moon which he would choose. Pat gave it some thought and finally said: “ The moon, sir.” “ And why the moon, Pat? ” “ Faith, and ’tis loight all day—but at night it’s dark and we need the moon.” COULDN’T DO IT “ Ah, Pat,“ said the village priest of Clanbridget, “ here I find ye with a jug of potheen after what ye promised me. Throw it away, now! ” “ Sure, Father, an’ I would,” said Pat, “ but the half of it belongs to me brother.” “ Throw your half away, then.” “ I can’t do that, Father. Mine’s at the bottom.” MORE PUSH NEEDED “ Here, boy,” said a motorist, “ 1 want some petrol, and please get a move on; you’ll never get anywhere in this world unless you push. Push is essential. When I was young I pushed and that got me where I am.” “ Well,” replied the garage hand, “ we haven’t a drop of petrol in the place, so I reckon you’ll have to push again.”