WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 121, Issue 20260, 31 July 1937, Page 16 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

DOCTOR'S ORDERS. ,r Yon might stay at home & little bit more,” complained a wife to her husband. “You’re everlastingly out playi ing golf.” i "I know, my dear,” replied hubby, “but you know the dootor told me to live on greens as much, as possible.” ROBBERY. ** There goes the old rascal who swindled me out of £10,000.” “How did he do it?” “He refused to let me marry his daughter.” HOPEFUL. Doctor: Your temperature seems to have taken a drop. Patient: Can’t you arrange it so I oan do the same, dootor? IN ARREARS. The vicar was addressing a mixed social gathering in the village hall—speaking a short sermon on “Motherhood.” “And, my firends, I invite any one of you lo tell me," he said, pursuing the course of his lecture, “to what woman do any one of you owe more than you can ever pay?” Expecting, of course, the orthodox reply, “My mother, sir,” the parson was astounded to see a stout woman who took in boarders stand up and, obviously turning towards a young man further along the row, shout: “Nar then, Jim Iligley, ’ore’s your chance to give me a bit of an advert 1” AMBITION. A young man applied for a Job and was granted an Interview. After the usual preliminaries the manager said: “Have you any ambition?" “Ambition,” replied the young man. “I shall never rest until I see you out of that chair.” SETTLING MOTHER. “George,” said Mrs I.ovewell to her husband, “1 havo rent ived a letter from mother saying she Is not accepting our invitation to visit us, and saying we do not appear to want her. What does sh-e mean by that? I asked you to write and I ell her to come at her own convenience. You wrote to her, didn’t you?” “Yes," said George, “but—er—l oouldn’t spell that word ‘convenience,’ so I made it ’risk.’ ’•

REVOI/nNO. Visitor: What kind of ordoM are growing there? Gardener: Spanish. Visitor: I thought so. They're nearly all shooting. BIOLOGY SIMPLIFIED. A young father was entertaining some friends when his small son rushed Into the room and announoed In a loud voice that he had Just killed five files. “An* three were gentlemen, daddy,” he added, “and two were ladles.” Ills father was startled by the revelation of such biological knowledge, and asked how he oould tell whloh was whloh. “Well,” was the reply, “two of them were on the mirror and the others were round the whisky bottle.” REWARDED. An American boarded a London bus and began to boast that he could get across London’s busiest thoroughfare with his eyes shut. A little man by his side smiled. “I once knew a man who made the same boast as you," he said. “Well, did he get across?” asked the American. “Yes, a marble one,” said the other. TOO TEMPTING. He and his young wife were on a motor trip. She admired his anxiety about her comfort. “Are you all right?" “Quite, dear.” “Cushions comfo .able?” “Quite, darling.” “Not being jolted?” "•Oh, no, sweetheart.’ ’ “Not in a draught?” “No, lambkin.” “Then change seats with me.” IMPROMPTU. Three elders of a Glasgow church were discussing the merits of their minister’s sermons. “ He’s wonderful,” said the first. “I mind him preaching three sermons from one text.” “But that’s nothing to old Smyth,” said another. “I mind him preaching six sermons from the -shortest text in tlie Book.” “Oh,” said the third man, pulling slowly and thoughtfully at his pipe, "that’s nothing to my wife. She’s been preaching at. me for 30 years from no text at all.” SPREADING THE NEWS. “Has your engagement been an- 1 nounoed?” “Only informally, to a few eneinie-s.”

UPKEEP. Myrtle: Where did Harry pet all his money?” Eva: In the hold-up business. Myrtle: What? Eva: Yes; he manufactures parters. WOULDN'T LIKE IT. "I had lunch with your husband today.” ••Don’t you let his typist hear of It; she’* frightfully Jealous.”

MISTAKE. Judge: But didn’t you feel th< thief’s hand going into your pocket? Absent-minded Professor: Yes, bm I thought it was my own. “Huiio r* “Hullo!” “Is that Rivers?” “What?” “The thing that moves between banks.” “Oh. Messenger ?”