MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

Waikato Times, Volume XXIX, Issue 2346, 23 July 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

A nil, choir in a church hj a good thin?. It increases the chants for silvatmn. “ i'M, be darned if I have a I**t of holes worn into me,‘ ! muttered the *.M sock.

Thk spring poet is not prone to admit that the rno-t iioticeabl** fe.ituse of his new ditty is it.s nudity of io** j s That the last shall he first was shown in the Kve csuc. She was the fir*t maid, but came after Adam.

XIIK Pittsburg t*dis of a d <g in a bench show in that city committing suicide by opening a vein with his s-eth. Wc le.un from another source that the animal left a plainly-written note, statin-.: that he had been disappointed m love, and that life was no longer worth living. Kkv. Minot .r. S.v.AsK nys tint hthinks the sto:mc!» has nothin? to do with seasickness. The K *v. Minot J. hhv 1-e entirely corn-ct : prohjhly he hi«. Hit *.ve have observed that s-a'icknes.s has a ?r-?at deal to do with the. stomach. IVTHEL—Was ther* a d-eik.-y on our<t-ps w hen you came in, Mr Koath«*rlyMr Keatli-rly—Wjjy, no Krhel : what would a donkey be doing there ? Klhei— I d-m't know ; but Clare .said, ju<lb*foie you rang the hell, 44 There's that donkey coming in here again.” A imivsptan says the human Lodi* “contains something like a million pores, which, if laid in a .straight line, would measure something like thirty miles.” This i« a problem to pore over. Thf. pin, we arc told, 44 has made its way into the highest walks of life.” Vc**, we met it thero. It was in the corridor <»f a seven-story hotel. We never r*ain about such places in onr stocking feet now.

Jinks—Von believe St. Patrick drove the the snakes from Ireland V Mike—Yes, sir. Jinks—Now ju-t look at it] a moment. Where could lie have driven them to? Mike —Redid, it's rneself that bees thinkin’ lie drove them into the whisky. A wk*kei> boy got into a fight with his father, bit his nose off and swallowed it. He was arrested and arraigned before the court. “Is this your son?** asked the judge. “ I am sorry to say it i<.” “ I think I detect some resemblance,*’ remarked the judge. “Ves,” said the father, mournfully, “he certainly has my nose.”

A farmer once called his cow Zephyr, She seemed such an amiable hephyr ; When the farmer drew near She kicked off his car,

And now tho old farmer's much dephyr

It is announced the “ Paris has set its ban iip m the tali-tour bouuet.” ITilps.s t lie “ ban *’ aforesaid weights about a ton, it will not crush the tall bonnet in this Country.

Teaciiek (giving directions for standing): Stand with your heel* together, with your toes turned out, making an angle of forty degrees. This was followed by a look of bewilderment on one boy s face. Teacher: Well, Tim, do you know what 1 mean ? Do vm know* what a degree is? Pupil: Yes, sir. Teacher: What? Pupil: Sixty-nine and one-fourth miles.

On a Jubilee stump sat a Jubilee youth With a Jubilee pipe in his Jubilee mouth. On bis Jubilee back was a Jubilee coat. And a Jubilee collar round his Jubilee throat. With this Jubilee youth was a Jubilee dog, Hunting Jubilee frogs in a Jubilee bog.

On his Jubilee side sat a Jubilee girl. On whoso Jubilee head lay* a Jubilee curl. In that Jubilee Held was a Jubilee bull.

Eating Jubilee turnips Ins hunger to lull. When that Jubilee youth that Jubilee miss Prom her Jubilee lips for > Jubilee kis-\

As that Jubilee bull tab J his Jubilee head, Siw her Jubilee hair was a ibiloe red.

Plashed his Jubilee eyes raised bis Jubilee tail, Tossed the Jubilee lovers o'er the Jubilee rail.

He was going home to his wife and family. It was growing dark. * He had a lone!}* road from the car, and he was making as fast headway as he could, when he suddenly gathered a dim suspicion that a man behind him was following him purposely. The faster be wont the faster the man went, and they* came to a graveyard. 44 Now.' 1 lie said to himself, 44 I*ll find out if be is after m*V and he started through the cemetery*. The man followed him. Vague visions of revolvers behind him, sensations of sandbags and loaded clubs and things grew upon him. He dodged around a grave and his pursuer dodged after him. He made a detour of a mausoleum. Still this forbidding shadow after him around and around. At last he turned and f iced the fellow. 44 What in thunder do you want? What arc you following me for? 1 44 Say*, do yon always go home like this? Pm going up t> *s house to do a job of carpentering, ami a win at the car told me if I billowed you IM find tho place. Are you going home at all.” REntESHMKNT TOIi TMK UkNCM.— A g<Mw| story is told of a venerable American judge. The other day, while holding the circuitcourt, he grew weary* of the endless tongues of attorneys, and, calling a bailiff, >.iid huskily, 44 (io over to the 4 Hole in the Wall,* and bring me a drink of whisky.” The bailiff ilisapj»e:irod, and returned shortly with an inch and a half of cornjuice in a glass, enough for any Christian man, but not .sufficient for an Alabama judiciary* system. 41 Do back,” growled the judge, “and tell Hagcrty to send me a drink—a drink of whisky. 1 ’ The bailiff disappeared again, and returned a second time with a tumbler brimming full. 44 Ah,* 1 said the wearer of ermine, 44 that is a drink I But what ” —wiping his lips—44did he say?*’ 44 0h, he didn't say anything, your honour!” replied the bailiff, blushing. 44 Oh, yes, ho must have made some remark I Xow, what did he say?” 44 Well, I don’t like to tell yon, your honour,” 44 Go on—tell me exactly what he said !” commanded the judge. 44 Well, your honour,” drawled out the bailiff, 44 he said, 4 1 s?nt him a drink of whisky at first. I didn’t know the old fool wanted a bath !’ ”

In order to prevent the total destruction of rare Alpine plants, by either collectors or traders, an attempt is novr being made by the Bernese to establish botanic gardens in suitable places on the Great St. Ucruard, and on the Simplon, near Zermatt. A well-pnown English lady has sent the Pope a valuable Easter egg ; the shell is of ivory, lined with whitesatin, andthe yo'k is a golden case wherein is a large ruby set in diamonds, the whole being valued at over $2,000. A London doctor was recently offered a fee of £7,000 — probably the largest medical honorarium on record—to go to India to treat one of the native Princes. After consideration he declined the offer.

M. DE Lessees’ reminiscences, extending over a period of forty years, will be published in Paris in October next, and tbe English edition will be simultaneously by Messrs. Chapman and Hall. The Court .Journal is responsible far the statement that Victor Hugo left a very comfortable sum behind him. The will has just been proved in Loudon, and puts the personally at over §460,000 Prince Napoleon, who is now living in Switzerland, is occupied with his longmeditated work on Napoleon 1., which is to be a refutation of the damaging attacks of MM. Lanfrey and Taine. A Dakota justice of the peace was trying a man for obtaining money under false pretences by nuking untruthful statements concerning a horse that ho had sold. A rather severe sentence was passed, and the prisoner said mournfully, “Judge, that sentence is unjust.” “That sentence won't be changed, not to any great extent —not ef the court knows herself!'' thundered the justice. “ But there was ailoverating and exteneratiug eueumstanecs in connection.” J - Why didn’t yon state 'em before?” “ The court didn't give me no chance.” “It is the opinion of the court that the court had something to do with this trial—please ante up up yer fine here 'lore I sock five dollars on ter you for contempt o" court” “But just let me explain. Vou know I told the mac that the hoss was only six years old and wouldn’t balk. Well, you see, it was the sor'l hoss you traded me, and I look your word fur all all this. ’ “ Hey! Was it the one I shoved on ter you la.-t week .’’’ “ That’s what it was judge.” “ And you didn't say nothing wuss than that bed pull and was a colt?' “Tints all, yer honour.” “ Well, that makes the case entirely dif’erent —circumstances alter cases—l don’t see as yon said any more than was nec’sarv to unload the boss. I 11 remit the fine and discharge you on your own recognisance. Ef you and the jury 11 come out, you may ir’egate at the expense uy the court.”