Parieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVIII, Issue 2292, 19 March 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Parieties.

Coats of Arms.— Sleeves. Branch Establishment.—A tree. The Modern Cupid's Song.—Cupidity. What is the difference between a puzzle editor and an unsuccessful man? —The one lives to puzzle, the other is puzzled to live. The lust of avarice has so totally seized upon mankind, that their wealth seems rather to possess them than they possess their wealth.- —Pliny. When an American couple are about to elope, the young man asks, " Does your mother know your route ?" Inquisitive Party, to Hoo-carrier : " And do you go up that ladder all day Ions?" Put: "Nosur; half of the toiine oi cum down." Tim Chinese code of morality does not say, " Wives, obey your husbands," but " Wives, respect your husbands." This it will be seen, is very much more difficult of compliance than the first version. Some Russian Proverus.—Truth is straight, but judges are crooked. Your elbow is near, but you cannot bite it. Honey is on his tongue, and ice under it. An untried friend is like an uncracked nut. When money speaks, the truth is silent. The Happy While Ago.—Borrowing money is a very favourite practice with the Irish farmer, and until a recent period the banks made the gratification of this taste extremely easy. A Cork car-driver lately said to his fare, "Why, sir, a while ago a farmer need only put on a clane shirt and go to the bank, and he'd get what he wanted !"

" There is something inexplicable about, the mental make-up of a woman," Raid Pitzbrown to fa female acquaintance. "Ther's that Mrs Smith for example. She's utterly unable to handle a horse, and yet she drives her husband about as though he were a baby." "Ah, but you forget," replied the lady—"the horse, you know, is a very intelligent animal !"

Mr. Blazer took his wife to see an exhibition of statuary, and the good lady was much interested. As they went home, she said to him, " Darling, wouldn't you like it if I were a statue?" " I hadn't thought of it love." "It would be so nice if I were : for then you could have me just the same for all the years to come, with no fading, no dimming of the eyes, no wrinkled brow, no peevish old-age, no nothing but pure white marble, the same yesterday, to-day, forever." " That would be nice, wouldn't it? And you couldn't talk any either, could you, love?" he said absently, with a last-summer look in his soft blue eyes. Linus in an Album.—A farmer's daughter, during the rage for albums, handed to Willis Gaylord, an American poet, an old account-book ruled for pounds, shillings, and pence and requested a contribution. He happily utilised the figures as follows £ s. d. This world's a scene as dark as Styx Where hope is scarce worth ... 2 G Our joys are borne so fleeting hence That tiiey are dear at 18 And yet to stay here most are willing Although they may not have a ... 1 0 A tenant of Lord Halkerston, who was one of the judges at the Court of Session, waited one day on his lordship with a woeful countenance. "My lord," said he, "I am come to inform your lordship of a sad misfortune : my cow has gored one of your lordship's cows, so that I fear it cannot live." "Well, then you must pay for it." "Indeed, my lord, it was not my fault; and yon know lam a very poor man." " I can't help that; I say you must pay for it; I cannot lose my cow." "Well, my lord, if it must bo so, 1 cannot say against your lordship. But stop, my lord—l believe I have made a mistake ; it was your lordship's cow that gored mine." "Oh, that is quite a different affair! Go along, and don't trouble me ; I am busy—go along, I say !"

Such Lamkntaule Igxoraxcio ! — Sir Astley Cooper relates the following anecdote of an Irish candidate before the examining board of the London College of Surgeons What is a simple, and what is a compound fracture?" asked the examiner. The reply was, "A simple fracture is when a bone is broke, and a compound fracture when it's all broke." Sir Astley asked what he meant by "all broke." "I mean," he replied, " broke into smithereens." I ventured to ask him what was "smithereens." He turned upon me with an intense expression of sympathy upon his countenance. 'You don't know what ' smithereens' is ? Then I give you up !"

Before and After Taking.—" Yes," said a pleasant-faced, communicative passenger shortly after New Year's, "this is one <>f the best railroads in the country. It is perfectly built; splendidly managed. Its officers arc first-class railroaders, and perfect gentlemen as well. As for the employes. they are so polite and well-trained that ii is a pleasure to meet them. I am very fond of this road, very. Ah, good morning, conductor. Feel well this morn— What! That pass not pood till the fifteenth? linn out on the first ? Must pay my fare or get off? This is an outrage, sir. This is robbery. I don't care if it is the rule ; it is highway robbery, and none but a bankrupt, played-out road, managed by a set of hogs, would think of such a thing. There's your money, and it's the last dollar I'll ever pay to ride in these wheezy, stuffy old cars, over this streak of rotten logs and rust. Mind that, now." It was the custom of Horace Greeley, one of the most absent-minded of American journalists, on Sunday forenoon to attend church, after which he would saunter down to the Tribune office and look through the exchanges. One remarkably cold Sunday he came down to the office after church. The janitor had neglected to light any fires. Mr Greenley went into the editorial rooms, and his feet feeling cold, he took olf his shoes and rested his feet upon the stove. Presently the foreman came down on some grand errand of business. It was freezing, and there was a cold draught rushing through the register where Mr Greenley sat immersed in exchanges wholly oblivious of all sublunary discom. forts. "Why, Mr Greleey," exclaimed the foreman, " what in the world are you doing? There's no fire there, and you'll catch your death of cold !" " Confound it!" said the philosopher pettishly, " Why did you tell me ? I was warming myself very nicely." lO