Parieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVIII, Issue 2289, 12 March 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Parieties.

Cuk-kiouk Game.—Billiards. For Pedestrians.— The "lap" of for tine.

The man who has made no mistake is not in condition to know when he has sucoeeded'in anything. It is an odd thought that all women might to be dear to men, and there is no doubt that some are —very. 13k brief; for it is with words as your sunbeams, the more they are condensed the deeper they burn. The end of man is an action and not a thought though it were the noblest.— Carlyle. He who receives a good turn should never forget it : he who does one should never remember it.—Charron.

There is time enough for everything in the day, if you do but one thing at once.— Chesterfield.

Why is it impossible for a bald-headed gentleman of colour to join a club ?—Because he is always black-bald. A business firm advertises a tooth-brush, that will be sent on trial. Rather staggering to a reflecting customer.

X.:" lam surprised at the appearance of your friend 13. He looks wretched. Do you know if he has been disappointed in love?" Z:"No, he has been disappointed in marriage."

" Sir John may we ask you to subscribe to our charity concerts ?" "No thank you." " But your brother is a subscriber." "If I were as deaf as he is, I shouldn't mind becoruinc one too !"

" It;' a lady is beautiful, my son," said a latter-day Lord Chesterfield, ''never fail to refer to her beauty." " What am I to do when the lady is plain ?" inquired the junior. " Just the same," was the reply. In a recent speech a distinguished member of the Cabinet said, "The voice of England, which sounded so clearly at the last General Election, will not be lost sight of." Captain Jawkins : "No, I'm not exactly engaged, but I have the refusal of two or three girls." Miss Ethel: " What a capital way of putting it! I suppose you mean you have asked them, and they said ' No.' " " My dear, " said a mother, annoyed at some incautious remarks of her little girl, " why can't you keep a secret ?" " Because, said Little Mischief, demurely, "two of my front teeth are gone, mamma."

A SiAN named Stoneexclaimed inatavern, "I'll bet half-a-crown I have the hardest name in the company." " Done!" said one of the company. "What's vour name?" "Stone." said the first. "Hand me the money," said the other, "my name is Harder."

" How did you fall in love with Mattie Cook, Fred ? Her face isn't one of the prettiest in the world." " I admit that, Bob, but then she has a lovely character, and such a pretty foot." "Oh ! then it was her foot that led you to adore Mat!" Thk ship's cook's wife had a washing day on board, while the fieet lay off Brest. The draperies fluttered in the wind. "What flas is that?", asked the admiral. "The flag of all nations," replied the captain of the flag-ship; "a petticoat, and no mistake."

"I regret to zay zat Mademoiselle eeza leetle horse zis evening," explained a French manager to an English-speaking audience, who had assembled to hear a prima donna sing. "Trot her out, then, if she's a little horse," bellowed an urchin, whose feet hung over the railing on the gods' gallery. J. assumes on coming home to dinner the bearing of an outraged husband. " Why is it, Mrs J., that you drive through the city in the verv equipage I am struggling to maintain for you at a high charge, and cut your husband?" Mrs J. at once reassures him. "You certainly would not have your wife from a 100-guinea Victoria, bow to a man who is at work for his living." A pert lady's maid, on her first arrival, mistook the earl for one of his own servants. She met him crossing the hall as the bell was ringing for the servant's dinner, and said, "Come, old gentleman, you and I will go to dinner together, for I can't find my way in this great house." He gave her his arm and led her to the room where the other servants M'ere assembled at their table, and said, "You dine here; I don't dine until seven o'clock."

Said a wife : " Won't you go up, dear, and get my goats oft' the dressing-table ? " "Your goats?" queried Jones, "what new-fangled thing's that?'' "I'll show you," remarked the wife, and she went upstairs and came down again with a pair of kids upon her hands. "There they are," said she. "Why, I call those kids," said the surprised husband. "Oh' you do?" replied the wife, "so did I once, but they i'.rc so old now I'm ashamed to call them anything but goats." Jones took the hint. Wine, reading the paper: "Well, I declare if that isn't the queerest thing I ever heard of!" Husband:" What's that?" Wife :" Why, here in the paper is an account of a wedding in Manchester, and among the wedding presents was a bull terrier, given to the bride by her father." Husband : " I don't see anything odd about that. She was the old man's youngest daughter, wasn't she ?' Wife : " Yes ; but what's that got to do with it ? " Husband : "Why, of course, if she and all the rest were married, he had no further use for the dog." Bad Hkpgixg.—When Mr Jenkins went to his bedroom at half-past one, it was with the determination <>f n<>t being interviewed by Mrs Jenkins. So, as soon as ho bad entered the door and deposited his candle upon the dressing-table, he commenced his speech " I locked the frontdoor. I put the chain up. I pulled thekey out a bit. The dog is inside. I shut the kitten out. I put the fastenings over the bath-room window. It is not goinpf to rain. Nobody gave me any message for you. I posted your letter as soon as I got to town. Your mother did not call at the niiice. Nobody died that wc are interested in. Did not hear of a marriage or engagement. I was very busy at the office making out bills. I wane a new-laid esrg for breakfast. I think that is all; and I will now put out the light." Mr Jenkins felt that he had hedged against all inquiry, and a triumphant smile was upon his face as he took hold of the gas-tap and sighted a lino for the bed, when he was horrified by the query from Mrs Jenkins—" Why didn't you take off your hat ?"