Amusing.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2107, 9 January 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Amusing.

—"I wkn-t gunning the other day," said Nimrod, "and as true as I am 9tandmg here I killed twelve crows with one ihot " '• You ought to be a politician,' said his friend dryly. " Excuse me, sir ; «lo you insinuate that lam a nitnral born liar t" MBy no means ; only death on cawcunncs.' — Pomckmav — '• Come down oat 'o tint, young feller." Reporter —•« But I'm a reporter, and I want to get a description of tho fire." Policeman— "To the divil wid you. You can't stay there. You kin foind out all about th« foirc from the papers in the morning." — Chicago Rambler. — " What you want," said tho barber, as lie rau his fingers through the few remaining hairs on the head of a customer—" What you want is a bottle of my hair restorer." "What I want," replied the customer, " is a divorce." — "SirorLD a man marry on a small income »" asks a society exchange. " Why, of course, if the woman can bring affidavit es to prove that she has always earned ncr own In ing and is willing to continue iloing it. — " Yes, George, I will marry you, but you will have to elope with me.'' •• Why, Clarissa ? Do your parents object to me?*' •'No, they think you are just splendid." " Then, why must we elope?" "Why, George, don't you know that if I elope tho papci-3 will speak of me as the beautiful daughter of a wealthy father." —Ax exchange says that a folded newspaper placed under the coat in the small of the back is an excellent substitute for an overcoat. Now is the time to Buhsct ibe. —Teacher : " Bolomon, you are such a bad boy that you are not fit to sit in the company of eood boys on the bench. In fact you ar« not fit to sit in any decent, company Cone up here and ait by me, sir," —"I uvdfrstand you are a graduate of Vas«ar, Miss Lucy. Did you ever study English literature to any extent?" "Oh, mercy, ye 9; we had Hogg for breakfast, Bacon for dinner, Lamb for tea, ami Lover in the evening." — When a Washington girl can speak forty words in French, play a little tune for a cent on the guitar and name six fashionable watering places, it is said tlint she is fully prepared to become the svife of a Congressman. — A Yorvu woman, who is about to enter matrimony, may not have been instructed how to act during the ceremony, but her dtess is generally trained. — Shl Thought the Blind Was Dowx. — " How docs the new pastor impresa yon, Mi»3 Spinster?" "Lawsakes, how do you know- he impressed me »t all ? I didn't suppose anybody saw us." — Chicago News. — Ax unromantic chap says that, under the compensating laws of nature the girl \vhoelop< s generally possesses beauty and the girl who doesn't elepe possesses common dense. -A Gekm\x proverb says, "The beauty of women lasts but a moment." This snown where German philosophy is oIF. Any experienced theatre-goer knows better than this. —In* former times a man occasionally fell among thieve-*. Nowadays the tlitive3 are more enterprising ; they don't wait for a mau to fall ; they knock, him down. —Naval Examiseh— Now sir, I will examine you for colour-blindness. What color is this light?" "How the deuce can I tell unless you take that red globe off it." — Ax honest mau can speak for himself. A rascal always wants to consult a lawyer before he makes a statement and then he will not be found telling the truth. — •' How do you loike the new school, Mickey, me son ? ' *' Purty well ; but mother, phat makes the boys nt school think I'inOiiish ?" " It'smeself dosen't kcow ; b.it I've been suspicted ay bein' OirNh rae^elf, when niver a hint ar it they iver had from me. — "Colonel, have yon settled that affair with the Major yet?" " Yes, I have,'' said the colonel, grimly. "How?" " Why, la<t week he kicked me off hia stoop, and since that he'u let me alone — lucky for him, too." — " Bbautiful weather for the country," eaid an enthusiastic San Frauui»can this week. " See how its pouring down." " What's pouring down I"" said his frieDd. " Why, the rain, you nincompoop — don't you see it ?" " Oh, tell me something fresh !" was the teply. " Call in -.gjin and *>e5 me when it't pouring up. Any blamed kind of ram can pour down." — " Do you ever think, George, dear," she said, nud her voice was soft and low, as befitted the perfect beauty of the night, " bow closely true happiness is ilied >.vlth tears." "'I don't belieye I •ver do," rep'ied Georgr. "Yes," she wanton look isr up into his face, " when «me 1-1 ialy >u 1 wholly happy, there is !mf lir; ! ' so 'li'i'l.* 'i stnile and a tear." «' Th.it". a f . i.' ,p<l Oorge, " but I never Though ttt ie before. There's nothing but th« nu-e."