Humor. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

Waikato Times, Volume XXV, Issue 2060, 19 September 1885, Page 6 (Supplement)

Humor. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

By Mark Tw vit.

(C<>:;timjki> ) Wi 1 1, when thoy was all gon<>, tl)9 king ho' a^ki M »ry Jane how they was off for spare room", nnd »he said ahe had one Bpare room, whioh wouM do for Uncle William, and she'd give her own room to Unflle Harvey, which was n little bigger, and she wonld tarn into the room with her sisters and sleep on * cot ; and np garret was a little tubby, with a pallet in it. The king said the cubby would do for his valley — meaning me. So Mary Jane took us np, and she showed them their rooms, whioh was plain but nice. She said she'd have her frock* and a lot of other traps took out of her room if they was in Uncle Harvey's way, but he said they warn't. The frocks was hung along the wall, and before them was a ourtain made out of calico that hung down to the floor. There was an old hair trunk in one oorner, and a guitar box in another, and all torts of little knick-knacks and jimcraoks around, like girls brisken up a room with. The king said it was all the more homely and more pleasantor for these fixings, and so don't disturb them. ' The duke's room wa<? pretty small, but plenty good enoogh, and so was my cubby. That night they had a big supper, and all them men and women was there, and I stood behind the king and the duke's chairs, and waited on them, and the niggers waited on the rest. Mary Jane she get at the head of the table, with Sa?an alongside of her, and said how bad the biscuits was, and how mean the pre'ienes was, and how ornery and tough the fried chickens was — and all that kind of rot, the way women always do for to force out compliments ; and the people all knowed everything was tip-top, and said co— said, " How do yon get biscuits to brown so nice ?"' and " Where, for the land's sake, did you get these amaz'n pickles?" and all that kind of humbug talky-talk, just the way people always does at a supper, you know. And when It was all done, me and the harelip had supper in the kitchen off of the leavings, whilst the others wai helping the niggers olean up the things. The har«-lip iha got to pumping me about England, and blest if I didn't think the ioa was getting mighty thin, sometimes. She flays : " I)id you ever see the king ?" " Who ? William Fourth ? Well, I bet I haye — he goes to our ohnroh." I knowed he was dead years ago, bat I never let on. So when I sayß ho goes to our ohuroh, she says : 4l4 l What— regular?" u Yes — regular. His paw's right over opposite ourn— on t'other side the pnlpit." " I thought he lived in London ?" " Well, he does. Where would he live ?" " But I thought you lived in Sheffield ? " I see I was up a stamp. I had to let on to get choked with a chicken bone, so as to get time to think how to get down again. Then I says : "I mean he goes to oar Churoh regular when he's in Sheffield. That's only in the summertime, when he oomes there to take the sea baths." » Why, how you talk-Sheffield ain't on the eea." II Well, who said it was? " "Why, you did." "I didn't, nuther. 0 " You did 1 " " I didn't." 11 You did." " I never said nothing of the kind." " Well, what did you say, then ? " 11 Said he oome to take the sea baths— that's what I said." " Well, then I how's he going to take the sea baths if it ain't <7n the sea? " " Looky here," l says; "did you ever see any Oongvesa water ? " " Yes." "Well, did you have to go to Congress to get it?" 11 Why, «o." " Well, neither does William Fourth have to go to the sea to get a tea bath." "How does he get it, then? " " Gets it the way people down here geti Congress water— in barrels. There in the palace at Sheffield they've got furnaces, and he wants his water hot. They can't bile that amount of water anyway off there at tha sea. Th6y haven't got no conveniences for it." " Oh, I see now. You might a said that in the first place and saved time." When she said that, I see I was out of the woods again, and bo I was comfortable and glad. Next, she says : " Do you go to ohuTOb, too ? " "Yes— regular." " Where do yon set ? " " Why, in our pew," " Whott pew?" " Why ourn— your Uncle Harvey's." "His'n? What does he wlnt with a pew ? " " Wants it to set in. What did you reckon he wanted with it ? " " Why I thought he'd be in the palpit." " Hot him, I forgot he was a preacher. I see I was up a stamp again, so I played another chioken bone and got another think. Then I says : " Blame it, do you suppose there ain't but one preacher to a churoh ?" ' " Why, what do they want with more ?" " What I— to preaoh before a king I I never see such a girl as you, They don't hare no less than, seventeen." 11 Seventeen 1 My land! Why, I wouldn't set out such a string as that, not if I never got to glory. It mußt take 'em a week." " Shucks, the/ don't all of 'em preaoh the same day— only one of 'em." "Well, then, what does the rest of 'em do?' "Oh, nothing muoh. Loll around, pass the plate— and one thing or another, But mainly they don't do nothing." " Well, then, "what are they for ?" • " Why, they're for ttule. Don't you know nothing ?" " Well, I don't toant to know no saoh foolishness as that. How is servants treated in England? Do they treat 'em better >n we treat our niggers ?" "No / A servant ain't nobody there. They treat them worse than dogs." " Don't they give 'em holidays, the way we do, Ohristmas and New Year's week, and Fourth of July?" " Oh, just listen I A body could tell you hain't ever been to England by that. Why, nare-1 — why, Joanna, they never see a holiday from year's end td year's end : never go to the circus, nor theatre, nor nigger shows, nor nowheres." " Nor ohuroh ?" " Nor churoh." "But you always went to churoh ?" Well, I was gone up again. I forgot I was tho_ old man's servant. But next minute I whirled in on a kind of an explanation how a valley was different from a oomraon servant , and had to go to ohurch whether he wanted te or not, and set with the family, on account of its being the law. But I didn't do it pretty good, and when I got done I see she warn't satisfied. She says : " Honest Injun, now, hain't you been telling me a lot of lies ?" " Honest Injun," says I. "None of it at all?" " None of it at all. Not a lie in it," says I. " Lay your hand on this book and say it." I eoe it warn't nothing but a diotionary, so I laid my hand on it and said it. So then she looked a little better satisfied, and says : II Well, then, I'll believe some of it ; but I hope to graoious if I'll believe the rest." " What is it you won't believe, Joe?" says Mary Jane, stepping in with Susan behind her. "It ain't right nor kind for you to talk co to him, and him a stranger and so far from his people. How would you like to be treated so ?" " That's always your way, Miam— always sailing into help somebody before they're hurt. I hain't done nothing to him. He's told some Btretohew, I reokon ; and I laid I wouldn't

shallow it all ; nnd that's eveiy bit »nd grain I dvi nay. I r-okon he qan stand a little thing like that, can't ho?'' 1 Idon'c care whether it 'was little or whether 'was big, he's here in our houßO and a stranger, and it wasn't good of yon to say it. If you was in hu place, it would make you feel ashamed; and so you oughtn't to say a thing to another person that Will make them feel ashamed." " Why, Miam he sayg— — " " It don't make no difference what ho said —that ain't the thing. ThB thing is for you to treat him kind, and not be flaying things to make him remember h« ain't Id hii own country and amongst his own folks." I say to myself, this is a girl that I'm letting that ole reptle rob her of her money ! Then Suaan the waltzed in ; and If you'll believe me, she did givd HarVlip hark from the tomb 1 Say« t to myself, And this is another one that I'm letting him rob her of her money 1 Then Mary Jane she took another inning, and went in iweej and lovely again— whiob> was her way— but when she got done there warn't hardly anything left 0' poor Hare-lip. So she hollered. •'All right, then," aaya the other (iris, " you just ask his pardon." She done it, too. And sha done it beauti* f ul. She done it so beautiful it was good to hear ; and I wished I could tell her a thousand lies, so she oould do it again. I says to myself, this u another on« that I'm letting him rob her of her money. And when she got through, they all Jest laid themselves tut to make me feel at home and know I was amongst friends. I felt so ornery and low and mean, that I says to myself, My mind's made «p 3 I'll hive that money for them or bust. Bo then I lit out— for bed, 1 said, meaning some time or another. When I got by myself, I went to thinking the thing over. I says to myself, Shall I go to that dootor, pyvate, and blow on these frauds ? Ho— that won't do. Ha might tell who told him ; then the king and the duke would make It warm for me. Shall I go, private, and tell Mary Jane ? No— l dasn't do it. Her face would give them a hint, sure ; they've got the money, and they'd slido right out and get away with it. If she was to fetoh in help, I'd get mixed up in the bueinesa, before it was done with, I judge. N«, there ain't no good way bat one. 1 I got to iteal that money, somehow ; and I got to steal it some way that they won't suspicious than I done it. They've got a good thing, here; "and they ain't agoing to leave till they've played this family and thii town for all they're worth' bo I'll find a chanoatime enough. I'll steal it, and hide it; by-and-bye, when I'm away down the river, I'll write a letter and tell Mary Jane where iti hid. But I'd better hive it to-night, if I can, beosnse the dootor maybe hasn't let up as much as he lets on he has ; he might soare them oat of hero, yet. So, thinks t, I'll go and search them rooms. Upstairs the hall was dark, but I found the duke's room, and started to paw round it with my hands ; but I recolleoted it wouldn't be much like the king to Ist anybody else take care of that money but hid own self ; so then I went to his room and began to paw around there. But I see I couldn't do nothing without a candle, and I dasn't light one, of course. So-i judged I'd got to do the other thing — lay for them, and eavesdrop. About that time, I heaas their foottteps coming, and was going to skip under the bed ; I reaoned for it, bat it wasn't where 1 thought it would be ; but I touched the curtain which hid Mary Jane's frooks, so I jumped in behind that and ■nuggled in amongst the gowns, and stood there perfectly still. They come in and shut the door ; and the first thing the duke done was to get down and look under the bed. Then I was glad I hadn't found the bed when I wanted it. And yet, you know, it's kind of natural to hide under the bed when you are up to anything private. They sets down, then, and the king says : II Well, what is it ? and out it middlin 1 short, because it's better for as to be down there a whoopin'-up the monrnin', than up here given' 'em a chance to talk us over." "Well, that is it, Oapet. I ain't easy; I ain't oomfortable. That doctor lays on my mind. I wanted to know your plans. I've got a notion, and I think it's a sound one." "What is it, duke?" 11 That we better glide out of this, before throe in the morning, and olip it down the river with what we',ve got. Speoially, leeing we got it so easy — given baok to us, flung at our heads, as you may say, when of course we allowed to have to steal it back. I'm for knocking off and lighting out." That made me feel pretty bad. About atri Hour or two ago, it would a been a little different, but now it made me feel bad and disappointed. The kings rip 3 out and says i " What 1 And not sell out the rest o1o 1 the* property ? March off like a passal o' fools, and leave eighty or niae thons'n' dollars' worth o' property laym' around jest sufferin' to ba soooped in ?— and all good saleable stuff, too." The duke he grumbled ; said the bag of gold was enough, and he didn't want to go no deeper — didn't wanf to robii lot of orphans of everything they had. (To be continued.)