bumor little Johnny.

Waikato Times, Volume XXIII, Issue 1923, 1 November 1884, Page 6

bumor little Johnny.

Lions, Tigers, and Rhinoceroses — Mr. Gipple's Perilous Adventure in a Sea of African Lions— The Razor-baok Jersey Lion; his Vicissitudes of Fortune in Agrioulture and his Mournful End— Colloquial Amenities between the Rhinoceros and the Elephant — A Rhinoceros which had a Tender Spot through which his better Nature was touched — The Young Man appertaining to the Sister of our Contributor ventures upon a Joke— Episode of the Barber and the Bulldog.

' One time Mister Gipple, which has ben in Affrioa he was to our house, Mister Gipple was, and Billy he sed woud he tel us some thing a bout lions and taggers and rhinosy roses. Mister Gipple ho thot a wile, and then he sed, " Well, Billy, you and Johnny are sech little fellers Ime most a frade for to tell you any thing a bout sech fritefle beasts of prayer, cos it might scaiejou into fitp, but if you wil braco up reel hard I gess I risk the fits an tel you how near I come to bein et by lions once in Soodan. One night me and some mitionary preaoheis we atayd with a natif nigger. Long bout midnight we wos woke up by the offlest roring wich you have ever herd, and one of the mitionary preachers he snook under the bed and a other he shinned up the chimny, and a other he prayed like lightnin. I looked out of the window, real brave, and I seen peoh a Bite like I shant .forget it if I was to live to be forty years old. Wy, Billy, that house was jest srounded witli a raging sea of lions as far »s the yuman ey coud reach, and evry lion was roaiia.Hke dissent thunder I The fire in their eyes, Johnny, made evry thing as light as day. You woudent think it to look at me now, but I was so scared that I jest •give up, and fel over the pray chap, and lay on the floor like I was bag of meal. While I lay there the natif* nigger he woke up too, an I herd him callin his slave, and he said to the slave, 'Moses Napoleon, you forgot to feed them lions agin, and they have busted out of the correl. You get right up this minnit and sick the dog onto them.' "Then the natif nigger he said to me, 'The lions in these parts is prety hardy, genly speakin, but thay got to be fed mighty regler. Wy, I had one once wich 1 neglexted to give its rneala for a hw6le day, and it got so devoweringly famish that it et meat ! ' If me an Billy was lions we would ravidge entire provinchea and eat all the apple dumplins wich we ooud pownce on, but Bildad, that's the new dog, he dotes on cold pan cakes, and Moae, wioh is the cat, likes a warm brick. And now He tel you a little story bout ole Gaffer Peters. One time ole Geffa he went into Mister Billy, that's the butchor'a shop, and he sees a plftckerd hangin up, and it sed on the plackerd, "Tender Loin Steaks 40 Cents a Pound." Old Gaffer he read it, then he sed, " Were did you git the lion from ?" Mister Biily he seen Gaffer had mistook, and he sed, " Wei He jest tell yon how it is, Gaffer. Las munth there was a show over the Oakland, and it dident pay, so the show man he Bold out his entire stock of anmftl^ and a feller in Contry Costy he bot the lion for to plow with." Then ole Gaffer he sed, " I spose the lion was so frocious that.he bursted the harness and et the driver, and the people all turnd out and hunted him down and killd him with their guns." Mister Brily he sed, " 0 no, you are thinkin about the Nubian lion from the Upper Nile, but this one wasent that kind ; it was the natif Jersy lion, of the razer back sort, and it went wel enoughf." Ole Gaffer he Bed a other time, " Then wot did lhay kil it for ? " and Mister Brily sed, " Cos it got to suckin egs. That lion wude suck every eg wich it culd find, and got to follering the hens all round, waitin for em to lay, and one Sunday wen,^^ fakes went to church they -seen thOj^ O n the*TCoT*e£-fefiL church a settin on^ a fc amg with its eys turnd up to heven real «, wow t, like it was pray in. It had climbed up there »i* was a watchin the whether cock for to get ac, g 0 the people thay shooed if off the roof, ana «t ran away and jumped into a paster mong a fl^ok of sheeps, and then there was trubble. Then ole Gaffer he sed, "How menny sheeps did it kill?" and Mister Brily he said, " Oh, it dident kill no sheeps, but it tride to crowd a labm away from a nice tender bunch of gras, and that made all the other sheops down on it, and thay kicked it to death in ten rainnits. So the remains was sold to me. How much did you say you wuld take ?— they say that lion meat makes a feller- mity brave wich eats it." And ole Gaffer he took three pounds, and nex day a jaokus chased him all over town, and he was butted six times by a goat where he sets down. Lions ia the king of beasts, but the tagger is more stripy, and the rhi nosy roae has got a horn onto the end of his snowt, and he Btickx it in to the stummuck of theephalent's belly and says, " That will teach_ you for to take in yure teeths and stop draggin yure nose." Then the ephalent whacks the rhi nosy rose with his proboseus and says, " The Chinaman which done up yure skin dident iron ajl tbo rinkles out." My uncle Ned, wich has been in Injy and evry were, he says one time he was a Bhooting his big rifle at a target, and a rhi nosy rose come along and stopped and looked on a wile. Bime-by the rhi nosy rose he walked up and stood rite by the target, tween it and uncle Ned, and shet his eye 3 up and nodded, like saying, "Now, ole feller, Ime ready, blaze away." Uncle Ned fired and hit the rhi nosy rose in the side, whack, but the rhi nosy rose only jest twinkled his ear, much as to say, " That was a good one, go it again for the drinks." Uncle Ned he let him have it some more, but the rhi nosy rose only wank his tail, like he thot it was good fun. Prety sune Uncle Ned he loded his gun agin and took a good aim and hit him on the horn of his nose and you never see such a circus performance in yure life, cos he turned a hundred duzzen hand springs and bellered like he was a bras band. Uncle Ned he says that proves that no man is so unfeeling but wot he has got a soft spot sum whare. Franky thats the baby he is soft moat all over and can beller worse than a rhi nosy rose, but not any horn on hie nose. One day wen my sister's yung man was here my sister

she was a kissing Franky, and her yung man he looked on a wile, and then he spoke up real smart and sed, " I wish I was a baby." Then my sister she looked out of her eyes into hisn and sed, " Wy, wot a unnecessary wish! dident you never see me kiss my puppy ? " But I ges if Bhe was to kiss Bildad, thats the new dog, she would find that love aint wot she thot it was, cos Bildad aint got any mustatoh, but Mißsis Doppy she has got a red hed, and ole Gaffer Peters hisen is bald like tin pans, and now He -tell you a little story wich my sister's yung man seen his own self. Once there was a barber and he had a Mexican dog, and Mexioan dogs is bald headed all over, not a bit of hair. The barber he tied the dog jest outside the door and hung a big card on him, and it Bed on the oard, " Glean Shave, 15 Cents." Bime by a feller wolked into the barber shop with a offle jimber jaw bull dog behind him, and he sed, the feller did, " Do you shave dogs here ? " The barber, wich was euttin a man's hair and tellin him wich was the best man for to be President, he sed, " Yessir ; jest set down, He tend to you in a minnit." The man he jest pintek to a empty barber chair and spoke to his bull dog and said, " Here, Snappen Turkle, mount the rostrum and prepare to be induckted into the mistries of the pliticle horizon." So the bull dog it got up and set down in the chair and skowled so hard that the barber lit the gas. Bime by, wen the man wich had his hair cut was gon, the barber commenced stroppin his razzer, reel slow and looken at the dog thru his i brows, and after a wile he Bed, " Wot makes Mister Snappen Turkle look so onhappy ? " The feller he said, " Cos he is a widder." After a wile the barber he said, reel thotfle, " Many to the fewneral ? " and the feller he said "No, Snappen Turkle ain't very soshiable, genly speaken, and don't like a orowd. The remains were privately interred." Then the feller he luked at his wotch, and the barber he began for to mix lather and wonder who was Snappen Turkle's dentist, and every little wile Snappen Turkle giv him loving look and lifted up his lip like it was a theater curtin and the performance was a bout to commence, and the barber got mity trembly. Bime and by the feller looked at his wotch agin and sed, " Seems to take longer for to git ready to shafe dogs than I had any idee. My time is limited, mebbyyou wudent mind xchanging yure dog, wioh is already shafed, for this one, if I give you 15 cents to boot. Then you oan shafe this sportsman at yure convenience." Then the barber, wich was wite like a sheet, he sed that wude jest sute him, and the feller lay down the 15 cents and wooked off with the Mexican dog, wich had ben a show and was wurth 2 hundred dollars. Wen he was gon the barber he went out and got a shot gun and poked it in the windo and busted that jimber jaw bull dog into little pups, and and chucked the 15 cents in the stofe, and wept like he was a cloud. — The Wasp.

The Pretty Girl and the Masher. A very pretty girl, attired in a long seal dolman and carrying an alligator-skin bag with initials in silver on the outside, stood at Vesey-street and Broadway, New York, waiting for a Sixth Avenne car. A youth of about twenty-one or twenty-two years was also awaiting the oar, and he occasionally glanced at the pretty girl, who turned indignantly away from him. When the car stopped the youth stood at the -back step to assist the maiden to enter, but she wheeled about when she noticed his gallant intention and went in by the front door. The youth smiled languidly, entered the car, and sat down opposite the pretty girl, at the front window, whereupon she angrily turned and looked out at the horses. The conductor observed this pantomime, and regarded the youth with a scowl. When he began to collect fares at the front end, the young lady got out her purse while the youth was feeling in his pooket, and paid her transportation fee. The youth handed the conductor a dime, without notioing that the pretty girl had paid, and said : " Two." The conductor handed him back five cents, with an ugly glance, and the girl looked harder at the horses than ever, whereat the youth smiled with a great deal of amusement. An old gentleman got into the car, and sat down near the girl, and the conductor kept his eyes upon the youth. Other passengers entered, and a policeman stood on the platform with the conductor. Presently the old gentleman notioed that the^outh kept his eyes upon the pretty girl, and smiled whenever she dared to turn her glance away from the window, and that her eyes fairly blazed with anger as she turned from him. The conductor spoke to the policeman, and policeman, conductor, old gentleman, and all the rest of the passengers began to glance at the youth. The old gentleman was the first to interfere. " What do you mean, sir," he said, " by annoying this young lady in that outrageous manner ? " The youth stopped smiling and said, softily, " If it isn't too much trouble, I'd be very much obliged if you'd mind your own business." " You young puppy I " roared the old gentleman, " I'll see to you I I'll see to you I I'll see if young ladies are to be publicly insulted by such ruffians as you are 1 I'll make an example of you," " Oh, don't; please don't do anything ! " said the pretty girl, imploringly. " Please don't make a scene ! " "IMy dear young lady," said the old gentleman, gallantly, "you Bhall not be embarrassed, I assure you ; but I have daughters myself, and it is a duty I owe to the public to make an example of this scamp. Conduotor 1 " ~" The conductor advanced very willingly into the oar, followed by the polioeman, and all the passengers gazed at the youth, who only smiled more broadly than ever. " Put this little puppy off the car," said the old gentleman to the conductor. The conductor rang the bell and said to the youth : " Come, now, git off the kyar 1 " " Wimfc for ? " asked the youth. "Per us&shin'," replied the conductor. " Come, now, start, or I'll trow yer off 1 " "If you touch me," said the youth, very quietly, " I'll break your thick head." The policeman had been anxiously awaiting his opportunity, and now saw his chance. " Well, you won't break my head," he remarked, taking out his club and elbowing the conductor, the old gentleman, and the excited passengers aside, while a crowd collected in the street and looked in the car windows. " Stop, stop," screamed the pretty girl, throwing herself between the youth and the officer. " Ah, please, please don't hurt him. He's my brother 1 " ' " What 1 " shouted the policeman in a tone of intense disgust. " What I " echoed the conductor, the old gentleman, the driver, and the rest of the passengers. " Yes, she's my sister," asserted the youth, seating himself beside her. " And you're all a pack of infernal idiots," he added. " I don't believe it," the old gentleman said, after a breathless pause. "What were you treating each other in that manner for if you are brother and sister ? " " She's a little mad beoause I wouldn't take her to the circus this afternoon, that's all," replied the youth. " And I'm — I'm awfully ashamed of it, too," said the pretty girl, beginning to cry. J 1 And I think you're an awfully stupid old thing to make such a fuss," she added, passionately, to the old gentleman. " Perhaps," suggested the youth to the conduotor, who, with the policeman, still gazed speechlessly upon them ; " perhaps, as you've stopped about a dozen cars behind you, if you should ring that bell and start the procession, the funeral may get np to Eleventh-street in the course oHhe afternoon." The conductor, utterly crushed, rang the bell. The policeman looked foolish. The old gentleman seemed hopelessly oast down, and the other passengers have not ceased yet to congratulate themselves that they did not get an opportunity to take part in the controversy. — Nw York Times. '

The Fascination of the Gold Mines. An old forty-niner says of gold hunting: — " It's the fascination of it. Lor' man, when you've struck it pretty rich and can see^ yer gold right in front of you; when you're piling it up every hour o' the day, with a nugget now and again a8 big n=t a bullet to oheer you, and then when the e\eiun' comes and you count it up and find a hundred odd dollars just picked out o1o 1 the earth that day—well, there ain't nothin' like it. Then when you don't strike it rich you always think you're goin' to next day, an' its just as exoiting hearin' other men tell in the evenin' what they pulled.out as it is countin' over your own. Why, I've been three and four months at a time without making a dollar and without a cent in my pocket; but gee-whittaker 1 the excitement of it don't give a man twice to think how hard up he is."

Jim Wo's Shanghai. Mr. Mulcahey lives up stairs in a Mott street tenement. Ah Jim Wo has a laundry in the basement. Mr. Mulcahey, who is of a sporting turn of mind, kept a red game bantam of warlike temperament confined in a three-cor-nered ooop in the yard. Ah Jim Wo has a gigantic shanghai, which he has been trying for a year to fatten for the table. Mr. Mulcahey had frequently expostulated with Ah Jim Wo because the shanghai pecked at the bantam through the bars of the cage. Yesterday morning Mr. Mulcahey discovered the shanghai with a grip upon his chicken's tail feathers, trying to drag him through the bars. The chicken didn't come out, but the tail did. Mr. Mulcahey was indignant. " Why don't ye keep that beaßt ay yours in the house? "he demanded. 11 Looster likee fightee you looster," explained Ah Jim Wo. " Them things don't fight," exclaimed Mr. Mulcahey, in disdain. Ah Jim regarded the game compassionately, and exclaimed: " Him too little." Mr. Mulcahey whispered hoarsely and impressively: " Have ye army money, mister Wo?" " No got velley much." " Can ye cover a five that yer long.legged devil'll stan up till the game ?" " All lite. Come back, click," said Ah Jim Wo, and he tucked his long-legged fowl under ( his arm and retired to the laundry to prepare for battle. Mr. Muloahey winked solemnly at Mr. Flaherty, who sat -on the fence. Then he deftly fastened a pair of long steel gaffa upon his chicken. Ah Jim Wo reappeared with his cousin Hop Gee, and several gentleman from upstairs followed them into the yard. The Ohmaman put hia bird down and Mr. Mulcahey threw the game at him. The game crowed, strutted up, * and walked around h^ big antagonist, looking for weak points. The shanghai elevated himself upon his toes and looked down sideways at the pigmy. The game flew at the shanghai, which dodged and tried to run, but the game headed him off. There was a flutter and flash, and the feathers flew from the Shanghai's breast, and then Mr. Mulcahey's chicken sneezed and lay down upon the ground to do it more conveniently. "What ails the burrd?" shouted Mr. Mulcahey, and then grasped a clothes pole for Bupport, for the big one set one ponderous foot on the game's baok, and gave his neck a wrench, and the little chicken expired. "Be the powers," cried Mr. Mulcahey, "it's snuff the heathen sprinkled in his rooster's breast to shanghai me poor burrd. I'll not pay." Ah Jim Wo picked up the dead fowl and said: " What you call 'em on loosta's toe ? Ilishman cheatee Jim Wo." "I'm beat entirely, Mister Flaherty," said Mr. Muloahey, dolefully. " Them Chinese ia full o' deceity."—New York Sun.

Wanted to Raise It, . The case being argued was old Farmer Closegrip v. a railroad company for damages sustained in a collision. The old man's lawyer was making a pitiful appeal to the jury —" Gentleman of the jury," he said, " just gaze upon the true, honest, time-beaten face of my client, and suppose he had been fatally wounded; think of the blow that his loving wife and little innocent ohildren would have to receive; but, thank heaven, it was not so bad as that. But, oh 1 how he must have suffered during those long days of his illness —how the heartstricken companion of his life felt when they brought him home, bruised and mangled. Now, tell me, shall this poor old man go down to hi 3 grave a maimed and helpless creature without some aid from the cause of his affliction?" During this delivery Closegrip was noticed to be very much agitated, and rising as the lawyer finished, he sobbed — " Judge, 'scuse my breakin' in, but I must speak." " Go on," commanded the court. " I didn't know it wer so bad as it is, sir, till the gentleman thar sot down; an' ef ye'll—l'll—," here he faltered. " You'll what I " asked his honor. " Just raise them figgers on the railroad for a few dollars more —make it a thousand instid of five hundred; won't ye, judge ? " —AU lanta Constitution.