Humour. JEREMIAHS. '

Waikato Times, Volume XIX, Issue 1607, 21 October 1882, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humour. JEREMIAHS. '

', VV l ,Dar' am ■ sartip jl Mkses I want to' keep] ' a\yay from." bgg£? tne 0 }& man as the voices' 0l l J theJsfw><fJul) died awqy on, the last strains, A{ '^sarah Jake's, Baby." «' I meatt dat class >/o£vJ>epple ;whp o grjjanober '.de wickedness of DIB CLOgt OX~

„, " De widder Plumsell ober to bony Some butter fur supper, (lii^she draps down an a char an' heaves asigh aa^big as a barn , doah an' goes on to say dat dis am a'coldan'' unfeelin' World. 'Cording to her| tell all men am dishonest, all women extravagent, an' all chill'en jfosji ready to come down wid de measels. Tears run down her cheeks as she tells how ijHe has to work an' plan while eberybody 1 else has money to frow inter' Lako' Erie, an' she wipes her nose on "her apron as she asserts dat dis wicked world can't" stan mo' dan fo' weeks longer. " Deacon Striper draps in to eat pop-corn wia-^e-ofa^'iduy ebeniir'rah' Ee'Hardly gits out from under his hat befo' he begins to tell what his first wife died of ; how his second run away; how his third broke her leg by fallin' off a fence an' cost him $28 14c. for doctor's bill, and befo' he gits frew you couldn't make him believe but what de dull world was dead agin him. He predicts a late spring, a hot summer, poor crops, high prices, a bloody war, an' goes home feelin' dat he am stoppin' on airth only to accommodate somebody. " I have no sorrow of my own. I've been robbed, but dat was kase I left a winder up. I've been dwindled, but dat was kase I thought fo' queens would beat fo' aces. I've bet on de wrong hoss 5 I've bought lottery tickets which didn't draw ; I've bin sick unto death, an' I've bin shot in. de back wid a hull biickyard, but I do not sorrow an' I do not ax fur sympathy. De world am plenty good 'nuff fur de class of people livin' in it. Honest men am not lonesome fur company, an' honest woman am sartin to be appreciated. De janitor will now open fo' winders an' wo will purcede to bizness." — Detroit Free Prcbs.

SUBLIMITY. After Elder Toots had taken his regular position and closed his eyes in sleep, and Samuel Shin had hung up the water-dipper and wiped off his chin, Brother Gardner began : "How few men in dis woruld rise to de sublimity of de occashun 1 An', too, how few of us know whar' tie sublimity comes in. ..When trubble comes we knuckle to it an' lose our sand, instead of soarin' aloft an' lookin' down upon it from de clouds. De ancient martyrs had sublimity. De ancient Greeks an' Komans had it, an' our statesmen an' generals an' citizens have bin chuck-full of it. A man who cannot be sublime when occashun demands it am only fit to work in a boneyard. What am nobler dan to see a pollytishun demand to be 'lected to offis on; his merits, 'stead of gwine aroun' to buy wotes, pull wires an' wallow in de slums ? What am nobler dan to see a cashier who has got away wid §40,000 in a moment of weakness rise ' above it an' return wid the cash an' confesshis error ? "Be keerful dat you doan' confoun' sublimity wid cheek. It am cheek to borrow $5 of a friend, but it am sublimity to pay it. It am cheek to run in debt when you know you can't pay — it am sublimity to turn ober an' ole red cow, two sheers of stock an' a yeller dog to yer creditors. It am cheek to climb a back fence an' break into de hen-pcn — it am sublimity, in case you am diskivered, to convince de owner dat you was lookin' fur your Io 3' cow. "If sickness comes, be sublime. Dat is, put on mustard plasters an' take three pills. "If de man who holds de chattel mortgage on your sewin' machine forecloses, be sublime. Dat is, have your family sewin' did by some first-class dressmaker. "If sorrow comes, be sublime. Dat is, continer to pay 100 cents on the dollar. " If misforchun obertake? you, bo sublime. Dat is, tako off yer silks an' wohvets an' diamonds an' lay 'em away fur a few days until people have had a chance to weep wid you. — Detroit\Free'Press.

A COMPETENT CUSTOMER. • "Is the gentleman who knows everything in ?" stammeied a vision of golden hair and sea blue eyes, as she stood timidly beside the the managing editor's desk yesterday afternoon. "Everything about what?" asked the editor, clawing around under his desk for his shoes and trying to hide his stocking feet under him. " Upon which particular branch do you seek information ?" " I don t exactly know what to do," pouted the strawberry lips. "Pa says I can only have one dress this spring, and I don't know how to make it up. I thought the gentleman who answers questions could tell me." "H'rnl' muttered the managing editor. "He has gone up in Maine to find out why geese always walk in single file. An ' Anxious Inquirer' wants to know. What kind of a dress had you thought of .getting ?" " That's what I want to know. I want something that will look well with terra clotta gloves." " Yes, yes," murmured the editor. " Then you should get one of these green things with beads that turn all kinds of colors, and some fringe and fixings of that kind." " Would you have it cut princess or wear it with a polonaise ?" she inquired, looking at him searchingly. " You — you might have it princess around the neck and a row of polonaises at the bottom suggested the editor. " That's going to be very fashionable, and a couple of hip pockets would set it off royally." " I don't know," murmured the beauty. " I haven't seen any of that style. Do you know whether panniers are worn bouffant this season, or whether the skirt is tight?" ' "Oh, certainly replied the editor. "They are made with all the bouffants you can get on em. Some have even sixteen button bouffants, and there was a lady in here yesterday who had a pannier that came clean up to her neck. I should have it pretty bouffant if it was my dress."' " Well," stammered the blushing blossom, " would you box plait the skirt or shirr it ?" " Shirr it, by all means !" exclaimed the editor. " Shirr it straight up and down, and fasten it with these loops of black tape." "You 'mean frogs?" asked the beauty. " No, no. These big loops that slip over two buttons. That sets off the shirrs and gives a sort of tout to the ensemble," and the editor leaned back and .smiled superior. " Dont you think revers of a lighter shade would look pretty ?" she inquired. ' " They'll do to fix up the back, but I wouldn't put 'em on the front," answered the editor sagely. "Kevers are very well to trim a. hat with, but they don't set off a dress front." " How would y»u have the corsage." " I wouldn't have any at all. You would look much better without one." " Sir 1" she exclaimed, rising. " Oh, if you insist, you might have a small one, certainly not over three inches long, for short dresses are -fihe style now." "You — you don't seem to understand" — she commenced. vOh don't I?" he retorted. " That's what I'm here for. I think there is nothing so lamentable as to see a young lady dragging her ■corsage through the mud and dust. Still, if you want one, you should have it, so yon can take it off when you go on the street and only wear it at, home. They are hard to handle and not < one woman in a hundred can kick her corsage gracefully." -' , VP-4 am very much, obliged to you," she 'murmured. . "You are very good, I'm sure." " Don't mention it," replied the editor politely, " I flunk when you get it shirred and revered' and polonaised ancLpfincessed, you'll like it very, much! You might get a sash and some big buttons to put on. behind, or, if you'd like another . style better; you might trim the whole front with bouffants and wear the pannier for a hat." j •, .; ; " Oh, thanE: you, sir 1" Exclaimed the blushing bud, as she scuttled down., stairs. j " Swipes 1" roared the managing editor, with' a complacent' smile and a glance off approval at himself in the glass. l< Swipes, you may, tell; the foreman .to send me a proof of the Fashion Notes'assoon as they come, in. I have'iobserved that a T grea.t many.) errors have , crept, in lately." — Brooklyn Eagle.' ' . ' ,- i} 'T^'b^ritfer'aCMc3iildrai v are'littl4 shavers'; the