Thumour.

Waikato Times, Volume XIX, Issue 1595, 23 September 1882, Page 6

Thumour.

HOW TO ENTERTAIN THE GIKLS. " What shall we do to entertain our girls ?" says a religious exchange. A man who needs advice as to how to entertain his girls is not fit to edit a religious paper. We suggest that he should take one of them out buggy-riding in the afternoon, toll her what a daisy she is, and how insipid and fixed-up that other girl is. Then he should take " that other girl" out for ice cream after supper and tell her confidentially how very uninteresting and awkward the buggy-riding girl is. When the two girls meet the religious editor can depend on them entertaining each other without his personal assistance.—Texas Siftings.

HE FORGOT THAT. After he had explained that the old woman was bound and determined to have a new bedroom carpet, and that being he was in town he thought he'd take it home and surprise her he added that he wanted enough Inham carpet to cover a room seven by eleven. " You mean ingrain," said the dealer. "Well, I 'spose it's all the same. How much is that piece?" " Seventy cents a yard." " Awful steep, but lander purty. How long will it wear ?" " Oh, ten or twelve years." " Can it be turned ?" " Yes." " Anything to get out of repair ?" " Nothing." "Will the colors fade?" . " They are warranted not to." " Seventy cents a yard, eh ? Well, I rather like it. Can the old woman eew it together ?" " Oh, yes." " And I oan nail it down, I reckon ?" "You can." The number of yards required were cut off, rolled up and paid for, and the buyer soon departed. Two hours had passed and bis call had been forgotten, when he drove up to the store, leaped to the walk, and rushing in he called out: 11 Hang me, if I hadn't got four miles out of town when I suddenly remembered that I didn't, ask you if the blamed thing would wash!"—Dctriot Free Press.

BUNNING-A LOCOMOTIVE. " Well, I've had a little experience in running an engine," said a long specimen of the genus Yankee, putting one elbow on the bar counter and holding bis whisky straight up to the light, " and if it would amuse you I'll give you a yarn or two." "Stave ahead," said his companion, "but I've been there myself. I used to run an engine from New York to Philadelphia." " Oh, you did," said the Yankee. " Well, that just amounts to nothin'. I've been a special engineer for the last ten year, and there ain't a mile otjrack atween here and 'Frisco I haven't trawe'd over. <^|s|||fcl|

just got back from a special run up through the coal regions, when word came -mat one of the big guns of the company wished to start at once for Philadelphia. I knew what that meant, so I jumped aboard long-legged Jim, hitched a construction car behind the tender, , and a drawing-room coach behind that and reported for duty. I knew my engine, and I ran up forth pounds of steam more nor she was marked to carry. When tHe word came I let everything slide and the old boy just jumped in the air. Then he settled down to his work. Everything was clear in front of us, and I let him out for all he was worth at the start. In less 'en five minutes you couldn't a counted a telegraph poles they flew by us so fast. I had two firemen un I just made 'em earn their passage from the word go. Old Jim must have eat up two ten o' coal inside of ten miles." " What 1" ejaculated the second engineer,' " Sure !" said the first engineer. " And we hadn't been out of the'station fifteen minutes before every blasted boiler pipe was red hot, and we had to keep flooding the cab w.ith water to keep from burning the darn thing up. Oh, we was just gettin' there, my boy, and I didn't let up a pound. Every time we took a curve the outside wheels would be at least a foot up in the air, and once or twice the tender jumped clean on to the ties, and old Jim would yank her back again, and — " ,' Ain't you kind of stretching a N point?"' asked the second engineer. "Not a bit of it," said the first engineer. " Why, afore we wa3 half way to Philadelphia, both o' those stokers was down on their knees praying, and I had to do the feeding myself until I swore 'em back to their senses again. Well, evrything went well the first two thirds o' the run, and I was just a whistling to myself Jover the record I was piling up, when there came a report like a rifle, and I knew one of the blasted piston rods had busted. There was nothin' to do but stop, and I lost ten minutes fixin' up. The big gun left the coach and came down to see what was up. " What's to be done ?" said he. " I've got one piston rod left," says I, " and I'll take you through oh time." lie knew me, and he just, lit a fresh cigar and walked back to the coach as contented as a lamb. Well, I just sot those praying firemen to work for all they was worth, and I had her up to sixty pounds over the limit in less 'en no time. Then I let her slide. Lord, Harry, I thought old Jim would jerk the stuffin' out of everything behind him. We just played hop scotch, and I don't believe we touched the rails more nor iour or five times a mile. I knew it was a $ 100 check or nothin' an' I was after that check. Well, those firemen got to praying worse 'en ever, and I had to swear I'd throw 'em overboard afore they'd come to time. I tell you we was just rnovin'. Why, the towns got runnin^a!! /together, and we had no more 'en got a squiiV"« at one station afore we was five miles past t^e next one — " / " Hear ! hear 1" said the second engineer, " that's laying it on too strong." "True as you're here," said the first engineer. " I'd introduce you to the praying firemen., but they cut the business after that run, and I kinder lost sight p/tem. "Well, we got within ten miles of PJa'tedelphia'and I begun to stop her." ' <»-, "Stop her?" \, " Yes ; I knew I couldn't do it insiSJeo' ten miles, and I didn't quite fetch it at that ; for when we ran into the station we smashed in the bumpers and ripped up about twenty feet o' the platform before old long-legged Jim would agree tlie run was overf but I got the check,'" and the Yankee engineer thoughtfully drained his glass, as his friend ordered the barkeeper to " set 'em again." — [Brooklyn Eagle.