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Waikato Times, Volume XIII, Issue 1168, 20 December 1879, Page 5 (Supplement)

An enterprising sign painter says he would pay liberalJy for the brush that the '• signs of the times" are painted witb. • An ingenousj quack ia trying to prove that Absalom must h^ve used some of his "restorative," else he could not hare had such long hair. A G-ood Guesser.— u Miss Gamboge," says Elixea to that interesting bllti rapidly advancing lady of forty-four, "I declare you are looking quite charmiug — a regular twenty-one bloom and spirits. You can't be a day over thab figure, if I'm a iudge." Mias S-aniboge lets off a shower of smiles, and says, "Now, Biixen, you do say such insinuating things— and then you guess ages so closely ! !V " JRemember whom you are talking to,, sir," said tin indignant paient to a refractory boy, ''• I am your father." " Well, who's to blame for that?" said young impertinence; " taint me." " No, I can't stay," replied a gentleman who was invited to stay all night at the house of a friend : " before morning my wife would be out with a lantern, like Diogenes, hunting for an honest man." ''Why, Freddie," said mamma, " you ought not to make such a fass, I don't 'im* and cry whon my hair is combed," " Yes" replied Freddie, " but your hair aia'fc hitched to youi 1 head, as mine is." Is there anything more stubborn than a mule? ifc has been asked. Cerlainly there is, wo reply. For, marked as is a muley stubborness, there is a muliev, and that, our In tin. dictionary tells us, is a woman.. A hard bed. —An (del man ah For far get too much drink the other night, refused to go to bed, nnd went bo sleep on the floor. In about two hours (.line he awoke, and cried to hiu wife, " Maggie, ye've never raade the bed the day." Ai33iT Omein.— According to. tlie newspaper, " there is somethinor between KngUmd and France.'* But so there always w,:s — the Channel, for instance ; yet no ono finds any dlficulty in " getting over it," whatever it is. Plausible. — Magistrate : " Well, Patrick, what have you got to say about stealing the p^g?" Patrick: " Well, y 7 r honnor-r, ye see, it was jisb this. The pig took upon him to sleep in my bit o f a gardin for three noights, y'r homi'r-r, ancl J just sayzeci Mm for the vint !"

• Regarding the state of the weather in England, the following extract from an English letter received on Saturday, may (says the Lyttelton Jimei) prove of interest : " I never before experienced such gardening ; it has been wet and cold all the season, and we have had no summer. It is now October, and we (Huntingdonshire) are only in the middle of harvest. When it will be finished, Heaven only knows, for before the corn gets dry it is wetted again. Two farmers in this neighborhood were actually carrying wheat on last Snnday, a thing we never heard of before, They would not wait till Monday for fear of the weather j it began to rain on ''the Sunday evening, and kept on for four days incessant ly. Thero are hundreds of acres of hay never got in ; some not cut ; some cut and rotted on the ground, and some floated away. About the fens, and some other parts, we have had wheat standing np to the ears in water, for miles together. The yield of grain will be fearfully short all over England. The winter and spring were so wet that farmers could not clear their land nor hoe their crops, so that they grew as much rubbish as grain ; and you ean guess tlie consequenc*."