THE PHONOGRAPH.

Waikato Times, Volume XII, Issue 952, 30 July 1878, Page 3

THE PHONOGRAPH.

A MERRY EVENING WITH THE PHONO IRaPH.

It happened that Mrs Barstinglow F was going down to.Keok.uk for a few days, and Mr Barstinglow was inconsolable. At ono time he pro- a tested she should not go, he could v not endure the lonesonid house m * her absence. And then again he £ declared that if she must go, he o would neglect his office, and let his v business go to the bow wows, and he * would go with her. At length, d however, she persuaded him to be reasonable, and on repeated ;s*ur- l ance that she would not remain s away longer than three da i7 s, hf G consented to let her go He even | ] bought her ticket-, and ordered the i carriage and paid for it two dius a-head, lest his resolution l should give way, and he should t forbid her going from him. And £ from that time till the moment ot » her departure, Mr Hurstinglow spoke ] m subdued tones, and moved about ' with the air of a man whose heart ' was buried under mountains of ' grief. ' Pefore she left the house, Mrs { Barstinglow set the phonograph m the sittingroom behind the clock. Then she kissed her disconsolate husband,and begged him to preserve his precious life for her sake when she was away, and then she was gone. Every day, during her three days' v'sit m the Gate City, she received a letter f.iom her mourning husband, begging her to come back, and tellin^ her how lonesome he was without her, and how like a grave Ibft empty house seemed, and how the hoars dragged over his aching heart with leaden feet. And m three days she came home and filled the solemn house with sunlight and laughter again. The evening after her return to Burlington, she took down the phonograph. " I wonder," she said, " what we said last m its hearing 1 It must be something while we were discussing my visit. Or may be it has caught some of your poor, longing moanings while I was away." And then she turned the crank. " Lord no," croaked the phonograph, m tones of hearty reassurance "no danger of that ; she's safe m Keokuk for three days ; saw her safely of! myself, this morning. Light your cigar while I light another . lamp and make the room look cheerful." "Why," exclaimed Mrs Barstinclow, m a countenance of amazement, " what on earth is it saying V " Ob, some nonsense some of your visitors have talked into it some time or other," replied her husband, nervously, " people talk all kinds of stuff into a phonograph, ycii know. They say anything for ta k." .Mrs Barstinglow, looking only half convinced, gave the crank another turn.. "This is devilish good whisky, Barßty/' ejaculated, tjje JBachjne,

earnestly. " You don't get it m Burlington, do you ? v> Mrs Barstinglow gave a little shriek. "My dear, said her husband, looking now quit© as worried as he looked when he was begging her not (o go to Keokuk, " put it away, somebody has had it out iv the stable, and it might say something pei fectly shocking, you know. Put it away." But Mrs Barstinglow, upon whom the spirit of investigation had descended with great power, ground away, and the phonograph, m a voice marvellously like her husband's, went remorselessly on. " Not much, they don't make thia kind now." It's some old Monongahela, copper distilled, that Mrs B»rstinglow's mother gave her for medical purposes three years ago. Mil up, there's plenty of if, and I can replace it with any kind of beverage when its gone, 'lhe old girl won't know the difference." Mrs Bars> tinglow felt herself turn to stone, but the next turn of the crank brought out an uproarious — " Ha, ha, ha ! Sere's to the 0.g." That fanned her cheeks into a flame. " For mercy's sake, Malachi Barstinglow," she shrieked, " what does this mean?" Mr Barstinglow now looked as though h* really did wish sbis had never gone to Keokuk. " It's just as* I tell you," he said with an effort to look unconcerned that was like a humorous book, a collosal success so far as its utter failure was concerned. " Somebody has been talking all sorts of nonsense into it just for talk's sake. flow else could it get hole! of such stuff m our little home, lovey ?'' Mrs Barstinglow didn't say, but she turned away, and the phonograph asked carelessly : " Throw rouud for the deal ?" She thought she would faint, but she di lot, and the pitiless machine proceeded to remark, with a variety of voices : " It's my ace." "You'll have to straddle that blind if you come m." v Give me two cards." " Chip one." "Push the bottle this way, Ben." " Ain't you going to stay m Ham ?" "Can't stay iv on a pair cf sixes." "Pall you." " Two small pair, kings to head.* ' Tens and deuces. Take the pot." " Barsty, get us something to eat. Old girl lett the coupboard keys, iidn't she ?" " Lord, yes ; told her I was going so keep *' bach " at home to save expense and keep out of bad company." ! " Ha, ha, ha. Ho, ho, ho." " Oh," yelled Mr Barstinglow, unible to contain himself any longer, while bis wife, more dead than alive Leaned over the phonograph aud ground away at the crank iv a Jazed kind of way. " Oh, kce;j it i\t. That's right. Keep it agoing, jrind it all out. Dog gone the Habolicnl piece of black art and the rile assassin that invented it. Keep t up. That's right. Believe a senseless, diabolical piece of monstr. his mechanism rather than your msband. Kesp it going. Keep t up." And Mrs Barstinglow did keep it ip. She kept it up aud listene.l to ;hat phonograph swear and shout Hid howl ; she heard it, shriek, "Oh my eye, my eye " She heard it tell some one, to let some one else il have it again m the same place." She heard it warn somebody to " hold his head over the stove-hearth and not let his nose bleed on the carpet," aud a* the last, as it assured her very thickly and with some difficulty, that it was " a ban' of jorry good fuf-fuf- fellows," and that it won'-hic won' go 'ome till morning," she ground it into silence, and sank back, speechless, and breathless, while Mr Barstinglow took the phonograph out into the back yard and smashed it into so many an:l so small fragments that it couldn't reproduce even a steam boat whistle. And now, when people go over fo the Barstin glow's to spend a pleasant evening, and happen to say : ' What have you done with the phonograph, Mr Barstinglow ?" it affords the visitors enter! ainment for the rest of the evening to study the different expressions which creep over the faces of Mr and Mrs Barstinglow, while Barstinglow, as he answers the question, thinks he would give 10.000 dollars if he could find out how the members of the Paragraphers' Association tell lies so easily and make them sound so marvellously like truth. — ' Burlington Hawke-eye.'