The Editor's Table.

Waikato Times, Volume IX, Issue 521, 21 September 1875, Page 2

The Editor's Table.

No. 2— The Spelling-Bee Mania. My dear young friends, ever since we last met my table has been in the same state of inextricable confusion, as it was oil that occasion. It is of no use my attempting to clear that table, when scores of people are engaged in a diabolical conspiracy to drive me mad. I was ou my way to the office this morning, having during the holy quiet of the Sabbath afternoon formed sundry firm resolutions to clear that table or perish in the attempt, when upon turning a corner in the road, I observed something unusual. Down behind a clump of ti-tre'i, carefullr sheltered from the observation of the passers-by, was a group of urchins, who appeared to be engaged in debating gome knotty question. One of them wag surreptitiously regaling himself with a remarkably short dudeen, which he puffed with the calmness that comes only ot long experience. Mv curiosity — of which, like most ol the profession, I am gifted with a large share — was aroused, and I approached cautiously and listened, when I overheard the fo l lowing interesting, convei:suuon :—: — " I'll bet you ten marbles you don't spell * extremely.' " " Gor long. I can spell it easy.' Look 'ere— e-x ex, s-t-r-e-a-m stream, — Omnea : " Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha !'»

" ot're yer a larfing at ? I'll bet yer two pipes o f baccy, yerdon'fc Bpe ll betteVn that, tire you Muggins, you try it now." Here a lanky boy, with red hair, and pants too short by about half a leg, said " Done," e-x-ex, s-t-r-double-ee — " No it aint." m^ bet yer wot er like ifc is -" Oh, ger long. It aint no sich thing. Look ere, e-x-ex, s-t-r-e-m-strem - Here another big boy said : " Flummaxed! J Muggins, "wot'll y er bet r 1 11 laj yer ten pounds." " Done, e-x-ex, t-r-e-e-tree " " Git out." " You git out." " l il & ye ? er a *«tm the heye." " Spell able fust." "Take that." In another minute the atmosphere was all aglow with shocks 'of red hair, and fragments of juvenile skin and hair were flying about Luckily at this moment Constable H d was discerned in the distance, and the ooys bolted in every direction, J I went along filled with sad reflections on the depravity of juvenile human nature, but had scarcely entered the sanctum, when a man burst in panting for breath and said : " Mister where's your dictionary 1" I handed him one of those useful helps. He turned over the leaves rapidly, exclaiming :~« Pseu-don-y-mous ! pseu-don-y-mous," I'll bet him anything he's wrong. Catch me miss-spelling an easy little word like that ! Ha !ha ! its too much ! Let's see ! (and he turned over the leaves rapidly, and fixing one eye intently on the book, while the other looked down his nose,) muttered slowly " s-u-su, < sudatory'— « sudorific'—' suds' no, confound it, it's not in the book, mister. What sort of a dictionary d'ye call this now, that hasn't got a simple word like pseudonymous." We ventured to suggest in a mild tone of voice that it might be under the < P's,' but the stranger broke in thus :— Well, now, come, that's good, that is. Look here, mister, d'ye take me for a durned fool. Do I look like a man that would go to spell < pseudonymous' with a' P ? We frankly admitted that he did'nt. " Well, now, mister, I'm surprised at you, that's what I am, and you an editor, to go and spell «pseudonymous with aP" And he fell to again, Let's see, s-u-su, no, that aint it neither. S-double-o soo — I knew I'd win it." Then he turned over the leaves furiously, and muttered rapidly— 'soon," soot,' < soothe,' oh hang it, what's the good of a dictionary like this. It's durned aggravating when a fellow's got a bet on, and goe3 to a dictionary to decide, the infernal man that wrote the dictionaiy should go and leave out the very word a fellow wants." We said it was disgraceful on the part of the author, and handed him another dictionary. This calmed him for a moment. He drew a chair to the table, flopped down, and ran tho Iraves over again, muttering, s-u-su— here it is, no confound it, that's • suef s-doubfe-o, soo, — oh, hang it mister this dictionary's just been copied from the other one. It's just been cut out with the scissors" Then ho ran his fingers through his hair, tucked up his cutL, and resting with his elbows on the table, glared fixedly at nothing for severed minutes. Then he said : " Oh, hang- it, that fellow Smith knew that word wasn't in the dictionary, and he thinks I can't prove as I'm right. But I'll find a dictionary with that word in it, if I search Hamilton for it. See if I don't, that's all." He was going out of the door, when in came Smith, and said " Ah Brown, I knowed as you was wrong, I did ; you wont find no <y' in that there word I'll bet. Look 'ere " P ." Brown. " No, you won't get in any p in that word. I leave it to the editor here. He oughter know." Smith : No, I won't take nobody's word on it. Wen I knows as I'm right I aint agoin to giv inter no man, 'specially on a heasy word like this 'ere. Give us a, holt of that dictionary. Then he clutched the dictionary as if he would devour it, and running through the leaves muttered Pu — p u — ' push ' ' puss,' ' pustule,' do — well, blow'd if it's 'ere ! Brown. "If you think you're going to find that word in the p's you must be a fool." Smith. "If you fancy you're goin' to ketch that there word in the Ss you're a higorant hass." Brown. If you go to calling aie names I'll make you sorry for it. Smith. " Well, come, that licks all as ever I heerd that does. You ! why I could double you up in ten minutes, I could. You pseudonymous cuss, I could." Brown. "If you call me that again, I'll punch your head." I Smith (squaring at him and dancinsr around the sanctum,) "come on you pseu^ onymous hass, come on. Ha !ha!ha i "4 In another instant Brown's right hand was entanged in Smith's neck scarf, while Smith was gouging out Brown's eve. Then Smith playfully thinned Brown's hair and whiskers, and Brown endeavoured to knead Smith's manly features into paste. Then Brown's spectacles were crushed to powder beneath the heel ot Smith, and Smith's stove-pipe hat, was flattened out like a pan-cake. In the midst of these lively interchanges of compliments the table went over, and a pile of M.S.S., ink bottles, pens, blue books, Parliamentary papers, a green lizard, a specimen of native grown tobacco, and tho editor's Sunday hat, were ruthlessly trodden under the heel of the usurper. Ultimately Smith got Brown down into a heap of broken ink bottles, and bent steel pens, and Smith's head got stuck in a sheaf of wheat. Then the two combatant 3 got up again, and* wrestled themselves out of the door into 4*4 * a ditch outside There ia now in this office a heap of " pie," composed of miscellaneous articles, such as ink bottles, shocks of hair, battered hats, brace buttons* neck ties, shirt collars, and ciurapled manuscript, and two men are disappearing in the distance, looking as if they bad just passed through a rag-picking machine. This is what comes of trying to spell 'pseudonymous. 1