MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

Westport Times, Volume VII, Issue 1064, 18 April 1873, Page 4

MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

Somebody having applied to the editor for a method by which he might cure his daughter of her partiality for young gentlemen, is kindly informed that there are several methods of reform. One way is to skin the young person ; another is put her into a well and drop a few loads of gravel on her head ; another is to bind her ankles to an anvil and upset her out of a boat. This is a personal item in the most approved style of the Western papers : " Joseph Bumgander blew into the muzzle of his gun to see if it was loaded. It was. Euneral ou Sunday."

Advice Gratis.—Poor little Pipson, having been told to take a saline draught, but not being quite certain of its beneficial results, cheapens professional advice on meeting Bones, a young doctor.. Pipson : I say, Bones, old boy, do you think it would to any harm if I drank a little of that seawater ? Bones: Not a bit of it, old man, they'll never miss it! At Chicago a lady at church was seen to bow her head as if in pious thought. She suddenly raised and leaned back against the seat, when an explosion occurred that shook the building. She had pressed to heavily on an air-cushion bustle. This is no romance, but the stern fact.

Cause and Effect.—A very respectable Presbyterian minister, who was in the constant habit ol taking a glass »f spirits before going to the pulpit, asked one of his children one day after dinner if she would take a dram. She said, " Na na, papa it would gar me preach". An Irish paper says, that trying to get up business without advertising is like winking at a pretty girl through green goggles—you may know what you are doing, but nobody else does. The wife is the sun of the social system. Unless she attracts there is nothing to keep heavy bodies, like husbands, from flying into space. The dearest object to a man should be his wife, but it not unfrequently is her clothes.