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Westport Times, Volume V, Issue 796, 1 April 1871, Page 3

Union is strength.—Every German soldier, a correspondent tells us, carries a hymn-book in his pocket. Very nice this. No Herr without a hymn. Creature Comforts.—Good wives. A country grocer notifies the public that he has " Knew Syder for sail." It is alleged, as a remarkable fact, that the best way to get rid of borrowing friends is to " let'm a loan." « A Frenchman attended a concert. When the performance, which had been execrable, was finished, he, along with a fewmore, applauded. " Why do you applaud such detestable stuff ?" said his companion. "It is not worthy of it." " Mon Dim .'" said the polite Frenchman, " I applaud because it ees ofer." Not in the Wrong Box.—The nice young man for a small tea-party. The tea-cadet. As Long as it's Broad. —Charlie (reading)—" The thermometer registered 12 degs below zero centigrade." Tom (dryly)—" That is not Fahrenheit." Charley (more dryly)—" No ; but it is very far-in-cold." Ease and Disease.—Our cherry hagman tells us that phthisis is catching, for he always finds the decline of day brings on a consumption of spirits at night. To Baby Farmers.—A child worth getting hold of—a .Rothschild. Why is a cab-horse the most mise - able of all created beings ? Because his thoughts are ever on the rack, and his greatest joy is Wo-e ! A Western paper thinks that women would not make good statesmen —" The question of the age " always troubles them. Tom—" I say, Jack, what a beautiful complexion Miss Smith has ! Do you kuow her, Jack ?" " No, but I know a girl who buys her complexion at the same store !" " Madam," said a pompous husband, whose wife had stolen behind him and given him a kiss : " Madam, I consider such an act indecorous!" "Excuse me," retorted the wife, " I didn't know it was you!" A natural result of the co-education of the sexes, is developed by the fact that out of 479 young ladies who have graduated at Oberlin, 172 have married young gentlemen who have graduated from the same institution. It must be .consoling for sick soldiers on low diet in the military hospitals during the war to sing, " "When this gruel war is over, we shall meat again." Lavater could always tell whether a man was a miser, by the way in which he pursed up his mouth. 9 A rumour is afloat that the man who dived into fortitude came up drowned in tears, and has since been in the depths of despair. He is now better, having dipped into a book. " Can you tell me what a smile is ?" asked a gentleman of a little girl. " Yes sir ; it's the whisper of a laugh." Why there more marriages in winter than in summer I—Because1 —Because the men seek comforters and the ladies — muffs ! Gail Hamilton charges that, as a rule, women do whatever work they have to do badly, and don't keep their engagements. A Mississippian, in bragging about his wife, wound up with the declaration : " Why, she'd make a regular highpressure steamer, she's such a talent for blowing up !" Those who most frequently pay a visit to the watering-places in the summer are milkmen. Has any commentator on Shakespeare remarked the curious and interesting fact, that Belisarius, in Cymbcline, must at one time have been a banker's clerk ? for he says ; O, this life Is nobler th*n attending fur a chock.'

Englishmen, when they meet, show their wisdom, •and not their du'ness, by talking about the weather. We utilise ou* changeable climate, Suppose'we saluted each other after the manner of the ancients, we should cry " Hail!" when it was no such thing ; whereas now wo never say " hail " without it does. The most remarkable instance of a hybrid animal is the cricket bat. Is your dog noisy ? Try to cure him homeopathically by administering a dose of bark. Of all birds the chaffinch possesses the greatest powers of banter. The best place in London for rabbits is the Borough. You may safely take a bull by the horns—if they are tipped. Physicians recommend young ladies to form walking-clubs. This is a matter in which steps should be taken.