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Westport Times, Volume III, Issue 532, 20 July 1869, Page 3

Ladtes, Beware.—An old bachelor in counselling a young friend, cautioned him in this wise :— ' Ne'er take a wife till thou hast o house (and a fire) to put her in.' Cußrous Address.—A letter, beariug the following address, was last week received at the Post Office, Portpatrick : —' From Ireland to Scotland care of Ebigal "Wilson, dry Lodger port pa trick to the Boys Sister that lodged with you that played the Fiddle from Ireland To be left at the Corner House till called for.' A simple fellow once said to a famous beauty, ' I could have courted aud married her easy enough,if I wanted to.' 'And, pray, why didn't you?' asked his friend. ' Oh, when I began to spark her, you see, she took mo on one side and politely asked to be excused, and so I excused her.' A Novice ix the Witness-Box. — A man who had never seen the inside of a court-house until he was introduced as a witness, took a position with his back to the jury, and began telling his story to the judge. Judge B n, in his blaud and courteous manner, said, ' Address yourself to the jury, sir.' The man made a short pause ; but not comprohending what was said to him, continued his narrative. His Houour was then more explicit, and said to him, 'Speak to the jury, sir—the men sitting behind you in the benches.' The witness then turned arouud, and making an awkward bow, said with great gravity of manner,' Good morning, gentlemen !' Caui,tle says, with witty ambiguity, " If you are in doubt whether to kiss a pretty girl, give her the benefit of the doubt." A conductor's duty on the Pacific Railroad involves certain personal risks peculiar to the far West. A gentleman who has recently passed over the road relates a scene he witnessed on the train. The conductor told a rough looking traveller that he wanted his fare. " The h—l you do," was the only answer. The conductor persisted. "Wall here's my pass" said the traveller, presenting a heavy revolver at the official's head. Another huge fellow interposed at this point, presenting a pistol at his fellow-passenger's temple, with a menacing look. "None of that, stranger ; fair play, shell out." This settled the matter, and the fare was paid.