The Fat Policeman.

Wairarapa Daily Times, Volume IX, Issue 2952, 17 July 1888, Page 2

The Fat Policeman.

The Sheriff--of Lanarkshire hag taken a fat policeman to avizandum. What the Sheriff will do with him there I don't know; but the case is a' curious one. A corpulent man joined the Lanarkshire police force, and wag duly moasured for his uniform. \ But by the time his uniform was made he had- waxed fatter, and the uniform would not fit. This seems been remedied in some way, but when the man had been on policeman's duty some little timo he was found to bo still increasing in size, and W had to provide himself with somo portion of his uniform to meet this evergrowing bulk, But the bulk not ;only interfered with the man's clothing, but in the opinion of his superiors, with his duty also. Possibly they thought that" a man iwlio could not keep himself in bounds was not fit to control the habits of others, A man who was- alweys bursting his own seams dould soarcoly bo expected to causo others to be,seomly. A constablo wkojwas always .'going about securing his rents could hardly be expected to look iftor the thieves who ■ were securing Other people's.. Ho might have replied to his superiors, when they complained of his obesity, as Falsbaff replied to Chief Justice Gasooigne—" 1 would it wero otherwise;! would my 'He was'getting so big thaf 'thikves could hide themselves in his shallow from otlior constables. Still, j his principles must' have' been good,; for there was no getting round him. | At any rate, this much developing constable was told that he was getting too big lor his place, bud was asked to leave it. But this uniform was on his mind, and sd ho brought a suit—this time against Itlio police authorities—for the money : he had spent in keeping himsoll in regular habits, that is to say, in uniform clothes. But his superiors-said tjjat i they could not bo responsible for a man whose figures were inconsistent with each other—no two days alike—a man whoso ideas of measurement were continually belied by his waistbelt. Moreover, a man who cannot even arrest tlio growth of his own stomach is not likely to be of much use in apprehending others. The matter camo before the sheriff—who in Scotland is a sort of County Court judge—and he has taken the expoliceman and his uniform to avizandum, Whether this will reduce the girth of the policeman or not, I am not prepared to say.—Yorkshire Post.

Sydney Smith on the Repeal ol the Union,

11l these days of sickly sentiment and niaundliu sympathy with repoalcta and law breakers of all sorts it is positively refreshing to turn to the writings of Sydney Smith-that ultra-Liberal of a bygone generation. No man has n better claim to be heard on the subject of Ireland than the sturdy Church of England Canon, who, in ospouaing the cause of the distressful country, had sacrificed the prospect of highest perferment, nnd wasso lar in advanco of his own times and ours as to advocate the State-payment of the Irish Boman s Catholic priesthood. The foresight of this prince of Edinburgh reviewers needs now no vindication, and it js difficult to question tho impartiality of one who at tho beginning of the present century had tho boldness to write:— "ft) great and long has been the misgovernment of Ireland that wo verily believe tho Empire would bo much stronger if everything were opon sea between England and the Atlantic, and if skates and cod fish swam over tho fair land of Ulster," Yet, on tho maintenance of the Union what has he to say ? "Civil war is preferable to repeal, Muoli ns I hate wounds, dangers, privations, and explosions—'tiiucli as I lovo regular hours of dinner—foolish as I think men'covered with the feathors of the male h\llm domlim, and covered with laco in the course oi tho Isobiatic norve—much as I detest all these follies and frivolities, I would rathei turn soldier myself that acquiesce quiotly in such a separation of the Empire. It is suoli a piece of nonsense that no man can have any reverence for himself who would stop to disousa such a question, It is such a piece of anti-British villainy that none but the bitterost enomy of our blood "and people ..could entertain such a'project! It is to be met

only with round shot and grape; to be I ? answered by shrapnel and congreve, to t% be diseased in hollow squaio and refuted by battalions four deep; to bo put down by tho ultima ratio of that armed Aristotle tho Duke of Wellington." Exchange. - c * A Cheap Pennyworth. The following is taken stories in the Lyttelton Jpes, Old J Edward Blinkhorn, tho famous Yorkshiro trainer, used to delight in tolling - the following story, which is about as good an illustration of the canny type as wo have met with. In his younger days hehad been sent by his master to. *v«r bring homo." a brood mare and a x: and on the road back had fallen so " short of money that he had not even "the price of a pint" in his pooket.' We will proceed in his own racy vornacular. "Itworavcryhotanddusty-J ' day, and I had nobut a penny left > . all God's earth, and I wor so vary dry; ■ ' so oil \ve travelled vary slow. At last wo como to a pnblio house, and there ■ ut. . wor two carters just drove up wi 1 twov-vw« loads o'hay, and one said to t'other, 'Sam, bo that thee?'and Sam said, |Aye, all that's left o' me. Wo may ha' a drink together,' ' Sure,' says Dick,' We mun I' Now them words sounded very bonny in my ear«, for .It • - ■ wor vary dry, and I had nobuta penny in all t' world. 801 gave a little lad t'owd maro to hold, and into the public ■ -■'■.Jka house I goes. There wor a quart 0' : ■ ■■■■■■ ale' just filled with such a cauli- < flower head a-top, oh, it looked bonny I and I wor so vary dry, Sam • was just liftin' it to Ms mouth when a -thought struck mo, and I ' Stop, a bit young man, I want to bet a wager, wi'you. Yen seo, ses I, 'as that quarto' ale's full up to ■. t' Now I wager you this penny; - * I' drink exactly half o' that—lioluore no less.' 'You will,' ses ho; v ' done wi' youl' So I lifts the quart to my mouth, for I wor very dry, and then takes a long breath and then a | long pull. Oh, it did go down for I wor vary dry. A little drop wor "loft > at the bottom, Sam looked ; ,into ilio pot an'then at me. You've lost," ses he. 'Eight,'ses I, and there's my ponny.' 'But you'll have to pay for another quart,'ses he. 'That wasn't in tho bargain,'ses Ij 'I never said I would pay for the liquor.' And while feam was scratchin'his head tryin' to ! make it out, I toos t'owd mare and foal, and trudged on my way feelin' ever so much better,