TIT BITS.

Wairarapa Daily Times, Volume VIII, Issue 2246, 17 March 1886, Page 2

TIT BITS.

_ An Irish lawyer, famous for cross-exam-ining, was, on one occasion, completely silenced by a lip.rae : dealer,'" Jjfyay, MiHrr-, do youi f wry honest nri/essfon'?"—''l can't aay bo," replied tho witness, "• for, saving you lawyers, I think it is'the most dishonest going,"' Tim followjusf is a trno copy of a, sign Upon an academy for teaching In one of the Western States Huggs, School Teachers, Freeman toaohes the boys and Bungs the girls," ' " Ghosts, be hanged!" said Tom Hood. No such things in nature, A\\ laid lung ago, before the wood pavoment. What should they come for? The colliors may rise for higher wages, and the Chartists may rise for reform, and Joseph Sturge may rise for his health, and broad may rise, and tho rising generation may rise; but that the dead shoujij rjsq o.nly, to r make one's hajjiriae, js niore ( tban'T'ca'n believo. §upj)os'iyp.urselfaghost. Well, if. ybii 'came out of your grave to,a friend,, how are you to help him, I And, if it's, an enemy, want's t!}e m flf MlWing to bjm., if yon can't pitch into him ¥'■ " What a lovely wninan!" was the exclamation of Ijord Chancellor EMon, upon passing a'fjrst-class beauty, when pacing up and down Westminster Hall with his friend the Master of the Rolls, previous to the opening of their respectivo Courts. "What an excellent Judge!" said the lady, when her sensitive ear caught th)Y flattering decreß of the Lor^fligh'Chancellor of England,

Talking of Sir David Baird, his roughness "&c„ his mother said, when she lieard of- his being taken prisoner at Seringapatam, and of the prisoners being chained together two and two. "God kcty tin «aa Mi fcid 1U «y Davie!"'

"Thero is nothing like haviiiEfra/sQUtid theological basis for one's opinions,"jomarks tho 'St James' Guzjjto,C'-esptot; ally on serious political quQstions/.- It'll quite possible that Mr Oliaberlain nff been fortified in his belief on the subject of the three acres ancla cow by the fact that certain judiciously, selected, texts'; appear to lend no small weight, to the. famous dictum.- A correspondent of »?• local newspaper in Birmingham seems 'to 1 have searched the Scripture to some pur-, pose, and with a truly astonishing result,. There are three toxts which, when placed-, in juxtaposition, run thus.v-'One of the Chamberlains said 1 (Esther vii., 9), ' Tho Held tjivo I thee and (Genesis xxiii., 11) 1 A very fair heifer (Jeremiah xiiv., 20). For our part we should like to add somewhat to the context. In the case of the field, the patriarch wisely added: "I will give thee money for the held' (Genosis xxiii,, 13) | and the portion of the verse which refers to the heifer is followed by the significant words ' But destruction cometh. 1 Somehow these last quotations seem to have escaped the notice of the Birmingham theologian and his patron.":At an hotel, a short time since, a girl inquired ot a gentleman at the table if his cup was out. "No," said he, "but my coffee is." The poor girl was consider:, ably confused, butdeterminedto pay himin his own coin. While at dinner ,tho", stage drove up, and several coming in, the gentleman asked "Does the stage dinej here ?" " No, sir," .exclaimed the girl '{A. a sarcastic tone, "but tho passengers do. The captain ot a merchant vessel unloading at Constantinople feared to leave part of his cargo exposed during the night—"lt will not rain," said a Mussulman.—" But some one may &t«al them!"—" Oh, never fear," replied the Turk, "thore is not a Christian within seven miles,". . ■■;.'■■ ■<:

A. fine stono church was lately built).in Missouri, upon the facade of which a stone-cutter was ordered to cut the following, as an inscription:—" My house shall be called the house of prayer," H« was referred for accuracy, to the verso of scripture in which the words eccur; but, unfortunately, to the scandal of the society, ho transcribed the whole of the verse,—"My house shall.be caljed the house of prayor, but ye have made it 8den of theives I" During his residence at Oxford, s, atudent, proud of his logical acquirements, was solicitous of a private disputation with the renowned Henderson; ; some mutual friends introduced him, and having chosen his subject, they conversed for some time with equal oandour and" moderation; but at length Hqnderßon'i antagonist, perceiving his confusion ineviljfe table, in the height of passion threw W glass of wine in John Henderson's, face. The latter, without altering his features, or changing his position, gontly wiped., . his face, and then coolly replied, " Thisy sir, is a digression! now for the' argu>' mpnt," , .-. When Socrates was asked wh.oth.er ilr"'' was better for a man to marry or remain single, he maclo answer, ''Let him take which course he will; he "will repent of ; t." The reply is similar to that of the , youth, who, being asked which out of' two very bad roads to a certain place was the least bad, cried out "Take either, and before you get half way you will wish '■. that you had taken the other." Sheridan was one day much annoyed by' ''•■ a fellow member of the House of Commims, who kept, crying out every few ' minutes, "Hcre| here!" During tho. debate he took occasion to describe ft political contomporaay that wished to play rogue, bt\t bd only sense enough to act fool. " Whore," exclaimed lie, with great emphasis, "where shall wo find a more foolish kiave or a more knavish fool than hof—"Here 1 here!" wdtii shouted by the troublesome member™', Sheridan turned round, and, thanking • liim for the prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter, A short sermon by a quakeress.—"Dear Friends, there aro three things I greatly wonder at. The first is, ; that children should bo so foolish as to throw up sitones, clubs, and brickbats into fruit treos to knoeTc down fruit; if ■■■they would let it alone it would fall itself. Tho second is, that men should bo so foolish, nid even so wicked, an to go to war and kill each other; if let alone they would die themselves, And the third and last thing which I wonder at is, that young men should be so unwise aB to go after voung women, since if they would stay a(j wine, tho young wouion would come ate them," When Abernethy was canvassing, for. • he office of surgeon to. St. Bartholomew's. lospital, he called upon a rich grocer. i.'ho great man, addressing him '.'said! ," j luppbse Bir, you want my vote and interest at this momentous epoch of your life ]"' •' No I don't," said Abernethy, " I vyanfc a pennyworth of figs; come, look" sharp and wrap them up, 1 want to be off?" The Rev. Mr. Johnston was one qf those, rough but quaint preachers, of th,a generation who wore fqnd. of visiting and™ good living. While seated at the table! ofof a good lady in a neighbouring parish, she asked him if he took milk in hjs. tea, "Yes, ma'am, whn J can't jeicKaw," was the ready reply. A shabbily dressed woman in England called upon a gentleman for aid, olaiming that she was in a starving condition, fl» lookod upon her plethoric form, eitimat. ing the avoidupois fat, and answered: " You don't look like a starving woman." "1 know it," she whiningly, "I'm bloated with grief,