Alleged Humor.

Waimate Daily Advertiser, Volume II, Issue 106, 8 February 1900, Page 3

Alleged Humor.

By Scissoes.

What is thediffei once between a thief and ft, giasshoppei > Not much : foi -the Mist is a low " cuss" and the second .ife a locust. * ' Woman : " These fish don't' seem very fresh," Pish Hawker (giowhngly) : '■What you want is x a fish caught tomonow, and 'ave 'em to day!" Jones : " Why do you call Mr Wyzh.uu, the undertaker, a wolf m sheep's clothing ? Bmith : "He doesn't evei. diive the boys out of his gieen p.pple orchnid." Bates : " When a man asserts that he is just as good as anybody ebe. do you thmk he leally believes it?" Gates - " Ceitamly not. He believes he is better." Panei : "I understood that the speaker made a poor impression." fcauer : "Yes; he -.pent five minutes clearing hwthioat and twenty minute* cleann" the hall." ° Inlignnnt Woman: '-This ds" I bcughL of you came near ending my little | gni me other day." Dealer :•• Well, you t said you wailed a, dog that was fona of '• children, didn't you ?" ' JBiowne: When were electric lights' mst made '>" I'owne : "When Noah chased all the animals out of the ark." Browne ; What do you mean ?" Tovvne ; " Well, didn't he make the aik light?" " Why didn't you stop ?" said a fat passengei. as he clambeied on to a tramcar. "Ye didn't signal,' 'replied the duvor. "I stood in the road." Well, j'ra no mmd-ieader," said the duver lashing bis hoises. " Let us then be up and doing." Uoing vhat, may we inquae ? What else can we do &uch weather But drink water and per spue. " Xes when Willie grows up we intend to get him a commission in the Army." " Which branch of the service, infantry ?" " Yes, mounted infantry. He looks just beautiful on his rocking-horse." Gallyer : What mistakes men do make I I was leading that Columbus thought he had discovered the Indies. Apsley : There aie worss mistakes than that' When I married first I thought I had discovered Paradise." " Yesteriay, said Jabson, "I refused a poor- woman a request for a small sum oi of money, and in consequence of the acfe I passed a sleepless night. The tones of her voice were ringing In my ears the whole time." "Your softness of heard does you credit," said Mabson. "Who was the woman ?" "My wife."

Mr Reid, interviewed, said he was struck by the general prosperity of the New Zealanders. The gap between the classes and the masses was much smaller than usual. No sort of bad legislation could keep New Zealand back, but so far as he could see there was a general belief in measures with which Me Seddon's name was connected. Mr Seddon assured him of his thorough sympathy with federation, andjhopecl that New Zealand would yet find it possible to join. Personally, Mr Reid found tbere was a general interest in the question, but it went no further, not within practical politics. The only matter upon which the peo23le were concerned was the tariff. Mr Reid thinks that if New Zealanders could be assured of a reciprocity treaty with the Commonwealth their interest in federation would die out, but he told the leaders that the prospects of any euch treaty were not encouraging. He was sanguine that federation would become a serious question m the course of a few years.

Feb. 6. Payne is rapidly recovering. , Four of those quarantined have been released.

Melbourne, Feb. 5. Thirty thousand sheep were destroyed in the late bush fires at Warrnambool.

Feb. 6. There is a recurrence of bush fires in Warrnarabool district. Fifty settlers have been burned out-, and 50,000 acres of grass, and a large area of crops destroyed. Tha damage is estimated at £15,000. Many cattle and sheep perished in the fires.