VARIETIES

Wairarapa Standard, Volume I, Issue 25, 24 June 1867, Page 4

VARIETIES

Rather Thin. — A ludicrous incident oc- j curred at a small town in this country not long since. The hotel where the scene happened is ornamented with an ostler, whose fun is as fearless as his lace is ugly. One day while some gentlemen were standing in the verandah of the hotel, a gentleman confectioner rode up the path on the thinnest horse mortal eyes ever looked upon. Leaping from his phantom steed, the equestrian said, turning to the ostler—“ Here John, give my horse some water.” “ Sir ?” said John, with a look of astonishment. “ Give my horse some water!” thundered the confectioner. “Yourhorse!” ejaculated Jack, with more surprise. “ Yes, you fool, my horse !” said he, looking savagely at him. Jack walked towards him as though he would demand an explanation, and had taken about six steps, when he suddenly stopped like one surprised beyond expression, “ I Hess my soul!” said he, “ I ask your pardon, sir; but your animal stood on a line with that ’ere hitchin’-post, and I did'nt see him.” The owner of the spectral beast tried to frown, but a roar from the verandah made him change his mind.

An Irishman and a Yankee met at a tavern, and there ivas but one bed for them. On entering, the Yankee said he did not care which side of the bed he took. “ Then,” said Pat, “ you may take the underside.” A man having hurt his forehead, was advised to rub it with brandy. Some days after being asked if he had done so, he answered, “ I have tried several times, but can never get the glass higher than my month.”

A Western editor must he in a had fix. Having dunned a subscriber for his subscription, he not only refused to pay, but threatened to fiog the editor if he stopped the paper.

A Hint to the Colonial Treasurer.— A political economist, who wants to devise a scheme for raising the greatest possible revenue proposes to tax female beauty, and leave every lady to rate her own charms. Such a tax would, we dare say, be most cheerfully paid, and most productive.

The following lines will be found at Ports' mouth, upon the tombstone .of a carpenter, in scribed by his widow; —

Here lies Jemmy Little, a carpenter industrious, A very good-natured man, but somewhat blusterous; When that his little wife his authority withstood, He took a little stick and banged her as he would. His wife now left alone her loss does so implore, She wishes Jemmy back to hang her a little • more; For now he’s dead and gone this fault appears so small, A little thing would make her think it was no fault at all.

A Trade Agreement. —A provincial editor was recently requested to send his paper to a distant patron, provided he would take his pay ip “ trade.” At the end of the year he found that his new subscriber was a coffin-maker. “ Square Mead,” —A soldier in one of the regiments, on arriving in New Zealand, said, “ This his the first square meal I’ve had since I left home. Being asked what a square meal was, he replied, “ Four cups of coffee, all the ham I can eat, with bread, butter, pies, pickles, cakes, and cheese in proportion, with ladies smiling to inspire the appetite.’’