VARIETIES.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume I, Issue 18, 4 May 1867, Page 4

VARIETIES.

It is stated tliat recently one steamer brought from France the enormous number of 25,000 geese for the London market. Hollow. —An editor says he has become so hollow from depending on the printing business for bread,, that he proposes to sell himself for a stove-pipe. “ If you had avoided mm,” said a rumseller to a customer, “you could now ride in your carriage.” “ And if you had never sold rum," said the bacchanal, “ you would have been my driver."

A man in Lewisburg, Ohio, having recently died of delirium tremens his widow brought a suit against two men who ordinarily sold him liquor. The county court awarded her 500 dolars from one and 200 dolars from the other.

The number of Freemasons’ lodges under the authority of the United Grand Lodge of England has increased during the past year from 1,075 to 1,140, being an increase of G5. There are upon an average at least four persons killed in a week upon the railways of the United Kingdom. The total in the 1865 ■was 221, and the variation in the annual number of late has been very small. Bachelors of Divixitt. —Ritualist young clergymen seldom get slippers worked for them by girls, The face is, that they show the cloven foot; and moreover they preach celibacy. A little girl, four years old, was recently called as a witness in a police court, and in answer to the question as to what became of the little girls who told falsehoods, she innocently replied that they were sent to bed.”

A Tempting Offer.—An advertisement in Philadelphia paper reads as follows: —“ Stolen a watch worth 100 dollars. If the thief Mill return it, he will be informed, gratis, where he may steal one worth two of it, and no questions asked.”

The bamboo which grows abundantly in most of the West India Islands, has been for some time past largely exported from Jamaica to New York in bales and bundles for the purpose of being manafactured into paper, and has been proved equally as valuable as rags. The town of Coburg, Canada West, was, on the Ist ult., lighted with a new gas, made from pine wood, bones, and refuse vegetable and animal matter. The light was brilliant, surpassing that manufactured from coal which had been formerly used, while it will be more economical.

A benovelent gentleman, passing a farm house, saw a baby brandishing a two-inch chisel, to its imminent danger. Taking away the sharp-edged tool he sought the mother. “ I thought it my duty,” he said, to tell you tha yonr little child has got the chisel."—“ Oh, sir,” said she, “ I’m ever so much obliged to you. I knew something was the matter with that child, and didn’t know what it was. They’ve got it awful down at Bennington. Falling in Love.—Sam Slick says:—lf you want a son not to fall in love with any splendiferous gal, praise her up to the skies, call her an angel, says she is a whole team and horse to spare, and all that. The moment the critter sees her he is again disappointed, and says, “ Well she is handsome, that’s a fact: but she is not so very, very everlastin’ after all." Nothing damages a gal a preacher, or a lake, like over praise. A hoss is one of the onliest things in natur’ as is helpet by it. Why is a spider a good correspondent ? Because he drops a line by every post. A judge suspected of bribery chided his clerk for having a dirty face. “ I plead guilty my lord,” replied the clerk, “ but my hands are clean.”

A Highlander, under the influence of whisky, once, on a very hot day, went to be married by the Eev. Sir. Grant, of Abemethy. The service having commenced, the bridegroom was asked, “ Are you willing to take this woman to be your wedded wife ? ” —“ Yes,” he replied, wiping large drops of perspiration from his face, “ yes if I got a drink! ” _ A young and pretty girl stepped into a linendraper’s shop, where a spruce young man, who had long been enamoured of her but dared not speak, stood behind the counter. In order to remain as long as possible, she cheapened everything. At last she said, “ I believe you think lam cheating you.”—“ Oh no," said the young man, “to me you are always fair.”—“Well,” whispered the lady, blushing as she laid an emphasis on the word, “ I would not stay so long bargaining, if you weie not so dear.”

A foolish fellow went to the parish priest and told him with a long face that he had seen a ghost. “ When and where ? ” inquired the pastor. “ Last night,” replied the timid man, “ I was passing by the church, and up neainst the wall of it 1 beheld the spectre.”— “ In what shape did it appear ? ” asked the

riest. “It appeared in the the shape of a reat ass."—“ Go home and hold your tongue about it,” rejoined the pastor; “you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow.” A story is told of an Iris ostler, who was sent to the stable to bring forth a traveller’s horse. Not knowing which of the two horses in the stalls belonged to the traveller, and wishing to avoid the appearance of ignorance in his business, he saddled both animals and brought them to the door. The traveller pointed out his own horse, saying, “ That’s my nag.” “ Certainly, yer honour, I know that very well, but I didn’t know which was the other gentleman’s.”