VARIETIES.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume I, Issue 1, 5 January 1867, Page 4

VARIETIES.

Sleeping in Chhech. —A certain military chaplain did all he could to prevent his soldiers from falling asleep at church. Even when reading the text he used to break off in the middle of an unfinished sentence, to call attention to some tired red-coat enjoying his somnolent nods and winks in a distant comer. On one occasion he so mingled Scripture with the intimation, that the ludicrous association gave rise to an irrepressible titter through the congregation. And no wondei, for thus impressively read the chaplain:—“ And Abraham said unto Lot" (a pause, during which the parson pointed to a slumberer in a retired seat), “ sergeant that man’s asleep.” A Publican Bit. — One day a poor fellow who had spent scores of pounds at the bar drinking, asked the landlord to trust him with a glass of liquor. “ No,” was the surly reply; “ I never make a practice of doing such things.” The man turned to a bystander and said, — u Sir, will you lend me sixpence P—“Certainly,” was the reply. The landlord with alacrity placed the glass before the man, who swallowed its contents, then handed the money to the lender, said—“ Here, sir, is the sixpence I owe you. I make it a point degraded as I am, always to pay borrowed money before I pay my spirit bill.”

Poulticing the Wrong Man. —A curious story is going the rounds, of a mistake in a mustard poultice at an hotel. A lady, whose husband was suffering from cold, got up at midnight and went below to fetch a mustard poultice. In her agitation she mistook the room on her return, and went into one where there was a light burning as dimly as in that she left—a room altogether similar, and apparently her husband in bed fast asleep. She applied the mustard poultice to his chest, and sat quietly at his bedside till it began to draw. It did draw; but it drew an infnirated scream from the poor fellow who had been the subject of her unconscious solicitude. At the sound of the unaccustomed voice the nature of the accident which had befallen her and her patient was at once visible, and she rushed headlong from the mustarcled man into the arras of her liege lord. Both parties told their story next day, and had to leave amidst the laughter of the hotel occupants. Cause and Effect. —An old lady who was apt to be troubled in her dreams, and rather superstitious withal, informed the parson of the parish that on the night previous she dreamed she saw her grandmother, who had baen dead for ten years. The clergyman asked what she had been eating ? “ Oh, only half a mince pie.” “Well,” said he “if you had devoured the other half you might probaly have seen your grandfather.”

How to Reduce Househould Etpendituee. — A married man adopted an original way of reducing household expenses. One morning, when he knew his wile would see him, he kissed the servant girl. The househould expenses were instantly reduced twelve pound a year.

“ Prav, sir,” said a judge anrily, to a blunt old Quaker, from whom no direct answer eould be obtained. “Do you know' what we sit here for ?” “Yes, verily 1 do,"said the Quaker; “three of you for four dollars each day, and tho fat one in the middle for four thousand a year.”

A Private Execution.—On the morning of the 12th of October, Gonzales and Pellicier met their doom, in Brooklyn Gaol, for the murder of a Cuban, named Otero, in the Citypark, on the night of the 23rd of November last. The ‘New York Times' gives the following account of the execution;—“ Every person admitted to the yard was provided by Sheriff M’ Namee with a card appointing him a special deputy-sheriff for the occasion. There were about 400 of these persons assembled within the yard, and considerable pushing was displayed in securing places from which to obtain a sight of the gallows. The back windows and even the roof of the gaol building overlooking the yard afforded eligible places for many more spectators. The scaffold consists simply of two uprights and a cross-piece, fastened together in a most substantial manner. Over pulleys set in the cross-piece, were run the fatal ropes, connecting belli,id a temporary board screen with heavy weigh rrs. These weights were suspended a short distance from the ground, and so arranged that by simply cutting a small string they would fall to the ground, and, dragging up the rope, carry the doomed men off their feet. These weights are equal to 600lh.

Beneath the gallows a few rough boards had been laid as a flooring. Quite a large space around the gallows was kept clear by the police to afford room for the sheriff, his assistants, and surgeons, when the procession should arrive. The representatives of the press of New York and Brooklyn were provided with seats on the railing nearest the gallows. At 10.20 o’clock the spectators were requested to lower their umbrellas, and immediately after the sheriff's procession descended the steps leading from the gaol to the yard. The prisoners walked together in conversation with Fathers Duranquit and Deluyones, and were surrounded by the sheriffs officers. The men were both looking well, rather pale, and somewhat nervous, but both stepped boldly to their positions. Around their necks were adjusted the cords which were so soon to terminate their lives, the ends of the ropes being concealed in the. breasts of their coats. The arms of each were tightly pinioned at the elbows, the cords passing behind their backs, but each held in his hand a small black

• ucifix. Both kneeling, and the spectators ■lO V! 11 their hats, the attendaut clergyman recited m Spanish the last offices for the dead. At ♦ t . onclusion of the religious services levoutly kissed the crucifix, and then w .heir feet without assistance. They shook hands with and kissed the two clergymen Sheriff Kelly, and two Spanish gentleman who were present. Afterwards Mr. Isaacs stepped forward and adjusted the noose about the neck of each, attaching them to the cords above. No sign of weakness was visible in either, but they stood firmly on their fget, murmuring their prayers. The signal being given, the weight fell suddenly to the earth, raising the two men three feet from the ground. In seven minutes pulsation had ceased." Mosquitoes are tolerably large and somewhat ferocious in the Mississippi country. A man who went out one day to look for his cow found her skeleton on the ground, an a large mosquito on an adjacent tree picking his teeth with one of her horns.