FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 286, 24 July 1873, Page 11

FACETIAE.

A learned doctor has given his opinion that tight-lacing is a public benefit, inasmuch as its tendency is to kill off all the foolish girls, and leave the wise ones to grow into women. A certain French duchess, a most excellent Catholic, of the eighteenth century, used to believe that she scrupulously observed the ordinances of Lent by making her servants fast. A man in Maine now makes good merchantable oysters out of flour-paste, tapioca, salt, jgtil^water. These are placed in second -hand oystor\shells, which are carefully glued around Yhe edges. Tipperary boy, arrived in Dublin, wishing to buy a pair of boots, was asked what number he wore. As soon as he recovered his surprise, he counted his feet and replied, "Why, two, of course !" " Didn't you think the close of the sermon was very fine ?" asked Dorothea of Angelina. •'Well, really now," replied Angelina, " I was so taken with the clothes of Kale Lorimer that I didn't notice the close of the sermon at all." Pennsylvania has a dog which gets drunk ©very day. So says a local journalist. New York retorts :—": — " The Keystone State is always ' a day after the fair ;' this city can produce any quantity of dogs that haven't drawn a sober breath in five years." A minister making a pastoral call at a house where the children were kept pretty quiet on Sunday, was confidently informed by one of the little girls that she would like to be a minister. " Why?" said the gratified but somewhat puzzled shepherd. "So that I could holler on Sunday." At Point Creek, Jackson county, a trader had bought sheep of a resident. Resident had one more to sell, when the following conversation ensued : Trader — " I'll give you two dollars for that sheep." Resident — " It's worth five dollars." Trader — "It ain't." Resident (drawing a long bowie knife)—" What's that there s^eep worth?" Trader — " Under the circumstances. I think its worth nigh unto six dollars." They traded forthwith. Can a son be said to take after his father, when the father leaves nothing to take ? A genius is popularly supposed to be one who can do anything except make a living. A successful female barber in Philadelphia shows what women may do to razor self to independence. A circuit preacher has expressed the opinion ihat in Kentucky hell is very near the earth's surface. A quack doctor heads his advertisement, " I wish I was dead." Then why doesD't he take a dose of his own medicine ? The fashion of wearing the front hair low on the forehead, now in favour with many of the fair sex, is known as the Skye-terrier style. A sick man moved into St. Paul, Minn. , takij|£ his coffin with him The coffin has since been moved out, taking him with it. -. M£reTwain, in speaking of cannibilism, solemnly declares that, for his own part, he " would rather go hungry for two days than eat an old personal friend." An Arkansas obituary notice says :—": — " J. Pratt, of Helena, on Monday, the third instant, aged fourteen years. His last words were, '1 didn't know it was loaded." ' The Chief of Police in Pittsfield, Mass., lately received a telegram, requesting him to " look out for a runaway having a black moustache, sft lOin. in height, with a velvet coat." An original Pennsylvania editor comes out fairly and squarely. He calls his paper "an airy old sheet, devoted to wind, whisky, and wickedness, and other religious matters. Vox populus, "Vox Beelzebub." The poorhouse at Wyandotte, Kansas, is fast becoming bankrupt because called upon to feed two sisters, the elder of whom is six feet three inches, and the younger just six feet, who yet has " growing pains." An" Alabama editor mildly alludes to his rival as a " reservoir of falsehood and an aqueduct of mendacity ;" whereuppn his rival retorts by referring to his contemporary as a "bottomless pit of infamy, and an earthquake of blasphemy." A Hopeful Alderman. — An alderman of a county town, being invited to attend a' centennial jubilee, replied " I can't attend this one, but I'll go next time." A gentleman was one day composing music for a lady to whom he paid his addresses. " Pray, Miss D.," said he, " What time do you prefer ?" "Oh," she replied, carelessly, "any time will do, but the quicker the better." The company smiled at the rejoinder, and the gentleman took her at her word. The Tempter.— First reveller (on being turned out of the "Caledonian Club") : "Come, and tak a gless at my rooms."' Second Reveller :" Na, na, ah've had mair than eneuch !" First Reveller, " Hoots ! Tak' anither, mun ! D'ye no see ye're lettin' yer^judgment get the better o' ye ?" ! A California merchant sent a dunning letter to a debtor in the diggings, and recently received the following reply :—": — " Dear air, you say you are holding my note. That is all right — perfectly right. Just keep lolding on to it, and if you find your hands dipping, spit on them and try again. Yours affectionately." The other day there was a little parliamentary discussion in the Florida Senate, in the coirse of which the President pro tern, was knocked down by an honourable member and scattered over the floor, his wig going one wa/, a glass eye in another, and his false teeih in several. He asked time to " collect hinself," which was unanimously granted.