FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 252, 28 November 1872, Page 9

FACETIÆ.

~!^~ !^ A legal peculiarity of the West is that all the lawyers are judges, and, none of the - judges are lawyers. A son of Erin cautions the public against harbouring or trusting his wife Peggy on his * >account, as he is not married to her* ' There is a woman in Williamsburgh who is sapious that she won't use any but religious newspapers for her bustle. ' if your neighbour's hens are troublesome and steal across the way, don't let your angry passions rise — fix a place for them to lay ! A grocer, when complained to about the quality of his eggs, excused himself by saying: — "At this time of the year the hens are not well, and often lay bad ones." In a little disagreement between two Frisco brokers, '' one of them put his hand out and tne other lay down on the sidewalk. Then the tirsfc-mentioned rubbed his foot against the others head and then some friends ' interfered." Put not your faith in him who predicts a hot season — he sells ices ; nor in him who •predicts a cold one — he owns a cheap clothing establishment ; nor yet in him who declares » wet oae — he vends umbrellas ; nor a dry one— he sells beer. A gentleman living near Austin is the pa- - tentee for the latest mode for getting rid of » scolding wife. He sets a spring gnn in his hen roost to shoot robbers, and then sends ids wife to fetch eggs. A Duluth (Wisconsin) paper says : — "A wolf strayed into our Union church last Sabbath during service, and was so overcome ty an ounce of lead that was presented, to 3iim that he was unable to leave." A man recently died from swallowing his pocket knife and injudical medical treatment •combined. He got along very nicely so long as the knife was closed but when the doctor • gave him opening medicine it killed him. Among the competitors fer the darning frize lately offered at the Georgia State Fair, F. S. one lady presented a stocking so neatly mended that the judges could not find the mark of -a needle aboufethe "darned" thing. A barber shaving a thin-faced man put his fingers into his mouth to push out the hollow of his cheek, and happening to make a slip cut through the poor fellows face. " Oh, curse your lantern jaws ! " cried t£e barber, I've cut my finger." An Irishman recently observed to a friend • that he had an excellent telescope. "Do" you see yonder church?" said 1 he. "It is scarcely discerniable, but when I look at it through my telescope it brings it so close that I can hear the organ playing." "Oh! yes," said a fair critic, with that vivacity of speech and manner in which the "gentler" sex indulge when picking a friend to pieces : " Oh, yes ! Henry would be very presentable if nature hadn't turned up so much of his legs to make his feet. " A traveller in the backwoods met with a Bettler near a house and inquired — " Whose house?" "Mogg's." —"Of what built?" * ' Logs. " — " Any neighbours ?" " Frogs " —"What is your soil?" "Bogs"— "The

climate?" "Fogs."— "Your diet?" "Hogs." At one of our churches last Sunday, while

the organ was playing vociferously a good lady, whispering to her neighbour in the pew, had to raigp her voice quite high in order to he heard. Suddenly the organ changed from loud to soft, when the lady, not taking note of the organ, was heard to say to her friend, "we fry ours in buttei*." An American editor writes thus about a display of the aurora borealis : — "Last evening, as soon as Tithonous had retired for the night and was enjeying his first snooze, iiisepouse, the rosy-fingered Aurora, daughter of the morning, snatched the saffron-coloured coverlet from his bed, and, wrapping it about • her danced a jig in the northern sky." Brougham one day, speaking of the salary to "be attached to a rumored appointment of a new judgeship, said it was all "moonshine." Lyndhurst, in his dry and waggish way remarked, ' 'Maybe so, my Lord H arry ; but I've a strong notion that, moonshine though it be, you would like to see the first quarter of it." , A schoolmaster in Br dgeport, Connecticut who asked a, small pupil of what the surface of the earth consists, and -was promptly answered, "Land and. "water," varied the question slightly that the fact might be' impressed on the boy's mind, and asked, "What, then, do land and water make ?•" to which r -came the immediate "response, "Mud !" , A f ew'days since one of our popular aUtor--neys -called -upon another member of 'the profession, jand asked, his opinion. /.upon a certain point of law. The lawyer to whom tha question was addressel drew himself up| .and said, "I generally get paid for telling -what I know." The questioner drew ■a haUvdollar from his pocket,. -handed it to the other, and coolly remarked, "Tellmeall you know and give me the change." There is .coldness between the parties, now. That Burns erected a monument over the gnave of FergussoriTthf poet, i 8 well known Jr-rsnoi so;.'hitherto, a little' circumstance of Interest connected with this honourable tribute to a brother poet. . It now appears that pso years elapsed before Burn 3 was able to ■pay for the fnonument,' as wiEne^s a letter to Hill, dated hi 1793": — " I send you by the bearer. Mr Clarke, a particular friend of mine, Mix pounds aud a shilling, which you will dispose t>f " as follows: — Five pound * tjti 'BhiUingsrper account I owe to Mr R. Barns, .architect, for erecting...the stone over the A grave of poor Fergnason. He was twa years 'in erecting if after I had commissionel him for it, and I have been two years in paying * him, after he sent me his account ; so he ' .s-andeljuje quits.. He had, the liardizsse to ..asktfne interest on the sum ; but considering ..that the 1 .money was ■due by one poet for puti " v tiiiK ; a toatf^tone over another, j fye raavj witJi ' .; lErec^i-wtrprißej tbaTatHeaveatli&tue eves , ' wwifarfhiDgofit*