FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 239, 29 August 1872, Page 6

FACETIAE.

A morning call : The sweep at five a.m. " Come and Kiss Me " is the name of a Vicksburg steamboat. What color was the last storm at sea ? — Why the storm rose and the wind blue. Our " Civil List" (and may it soon be abolished) : Persons on whom we must call. It has been reported that the Claimant found his reception at Newgate rather a cell. Those who visit the 'aunts of dissipation often wind up at their uncles. What can a man have in his pocket when it is empty ?— A big hole. What do great liars "do when thv.y die ? — Lie still. Shakespeare would never have asked, " What's in an aim V if he had not been hit on the head with a brick. Why is a soldier who attempts to bayonet a ghost an unprincipled fellow !—! — Because he sticks at nothing. Dean Swift said : "It is with narrowsouled people as it is with narrow-necked bottles ; the less they have in them the more noise they make in pouring it out." An Ameiican farmer, speaking of the thinness of the hay crop, said, "The grasshoppers have all got lame trying to jump from one blade of grass to another." Miss" Martineau relates an anecdote, in her " Western Travels," of a clergyman wro was so strict a temperance member that he refused to drink water out of the Brandywine river, but he enjoyed the wine sauce eaten with plum pudding. A tailor while travelling on the lakes, was asked by a Yankee where he lived, and what his business was, &c, to which he replied that he lived in Toledo, and that his profession was sitting on the smooth side of poverty, and jerking out the cords of affliction. An intoxicated man saw two tramway cars passsing him the other evening with red and blue lights in the front and rear. His fuddled brain comprehended colored lights, and he was heard to say to himself " Must be pretty sick — sickly here ; they are running chemists' shops about on whe -wheels." A jury in North Carolina, after being charged in the usual way by the Judge, retired to their room, when a white juror ventured to ask a colored associate if he understood the charge of the Judge. " Golly !" exclaimed the astonished juror, "he don't charge us nuffin for dat does he 1 Why, I thought we were gwine to get paid." A stranger dined at a fashionable hotel, where they had apple dumplings, with sauce "both" for dinner. He got through with the sauce, when mine host kindly' enquired, " Will yon take some more dumplings, sir?" No, sir, thankee," was the reply, " but I will thank you for a little more of the 'intment !" An individual is told of as doing business in one of our markets who is down on customers who don't speak properly. "What's eggs this morning?" asked a customer. * ' Eggs of course,'* replied the dealer. "I mean how do they go?" "Go where ?" " Pshaw !" says the customer, getting out of temper ; " what for eggs ?" " Money, money, sir, or good endorsed credit," answered the dealer. " Don't you understand the English language, sir V* says the customer, " Not as you mix and mangle it, I do not," responded the eggvendor. "What — is — the- price — pcr — dozen — for — your — eggs V 1 Ah, now you talk ¥' says the dealer. " A shilling a dozen is the price, sir,"