An Hour of Agony. (From " All the Year Round")

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 226, 30 May 1872, Page 9

An Hour of Agony. (From " All the Year Round")

Has the reader ever had a tussle with a Bengal tiger in full vigour and appetite? Has it chanced him to be in a balloon when perforated by Prussian bullets ? Has it occurred to him to have been indulging a commendable curiosity in the remotest recess of a coal-mine, when an explosion suddenly severed the connection between him and the world without ? These are forms of uneasiness not to be lightly treated of. They shrink into nothing beside that supreme commingling of grief, astonishment, and horror it was my lot to experience on a certain never-to-be-forgotten evening of January, 'forty-nine.

Time's soothinginfluence has wrought its accustomed effect. All bitterness, all self-reproach, have died gradually away. In place of that mental tumult which, for a long period, attended the remembrance of the incident in question, I now find myself able to narrate with indifference, nay, even with a smile, the circumstance to which, but recently, my most intimate friends durst hardly hazard an allusion.

The G-uild of Lumpeters represents one of the most ancient and honoured of London's civil institutions. What they are, why they are, I have not the remotest idea. Enough that, on a certain day in November, they are seen in their glory, their banners brighter, their bands brassier, their knights more corpulent, themselves more redolent of wealth than any of their prosperous rivals. They have a hall solely, it would seem, for purposes of hospitality. They give dinners of inconceivable succulency and toothsoraeness. They invite mayors, nay, kings, who don't always come, and princes, who generally do ; and they also invite me. I go, for I like them.

All the Lumpeters of my acquaintance are noble, large-hearted men, citizen gentlemen, on whom London, in need of arms or purse, might confidently rely. I think if I were other than what I am, I would be a Luuipeter. Pretexts were never wanting for a Luinpeter feed. The recovery of the chief city magistrate from a bilious attack, the breaking up of the frost, the birth of a son and heir to the Ban of Croatia, the arrival of a piebald elephant nt the gardens of the Zoological Society ; such were among the events I could recall as having suggested the feastful rejoicings.

But that to which I have now to refer was to be registered as a private and peculiar gathering, almost, in point of fact, a corporate family feed, comprising no more than ninety - five guests, selected with discrimination, for the purpose of testicg the merits of a new head-cook. Thus it had rather the nature of a grave and dispassionate deliberation than of a dinner, a certain sense of responsibility toning down the exuberant mirth that usually, waited on these pleasant asssmblies. There were,to be no speeches, no music. The usual loyal toasts, no more. Above all, no ladies. The presence of beauty, chatting in the gallery, might haply distract the attention of the weaker brethren from the great object of the meeting. The Lumpeters were particular — and thought conservative — in matters of attire. They themselves, to a man, adhered to the fashion, moribund, but not defunct, of ankle buttoned pantaloons, figured silk stockings, buckled shoes, expansive white waistcoats, and the mighty cravat patronised by his late majesty the Fourth George.

It was understood that the adoption of a similar costume pn the part of their guests would be interpreted by the Lumpeters as the most delicate return that could be offered for their hospitality. I myself invariably sported the fancy dress in question.

On the eventful day I have mentioned, it happened that I had been detained at Chambers later than usual, and on reaching home had barely time to dress. While doing so, I received an anxious message from a friend who was to have accompanied me to the banquet, but .who, being late, and himself a stranger to the guild, begged me to secure a seat for him next my own. With increased expedition I finished my toilet, and the dining-hall being but five minutes' walk from my residence, I quickly buttoned on a pair of rough over-alls, threw on my cloak, and hurried to the spot. To my astonishment, a crowd, dense and still augmenting, was gathered about the door. It was only through the aid of a friendly policeman that I was enabled to make my "way. " What was the matter ?" I enquired of No. 19 B.

The answer, half drowned in the clatter of- arriving carriages, sounded something like " furrin swell."

" Who ?"

No. 19 forbore to trust his lips with the name ; but it were him as kills the wild beastes3 out in Afrikey. It was a more intelligent porter who presently announced to me that the renowned French lion-slayer, the Baron Bobadil de Bete-Fauve, had, at the last moment, accepted an invitation to dine at Lumpeters' Hall.

The character of the assembly had undergone a change. Not only had a reinforcement of a hundred and twenty guests been hastily invited, but a dense mass of spectators lined "the hall, the passages, and the ante-cham-ber, and even frothed over into the banqueting-room. itself, the spacious

gallery of which was already filled with ladies, whom the chivalrous guild had found it impossible to dream of excluding. I was late; but dinner had been deferred half an hour. There would be just time to rush into the room, secure my friend's seat, and then deposit my cloak and over-alls in the tho room devoted to Buch purposes. The former matter was quickly arranged, and I was darting back, when I was met by a rush and pressure that almost forced me behind an adjacent screen. The Baron Bobadil de BeteFauve had arrived, and was being triumphantly marched into the hall. The Baron Bobadil Bete-Fauve, when visible, proved to be a remarkably small gentleman, with intensely black eyes and moustaches, the latter curling fiercely up almost into the former ; but my own situation demanded all my attention. Withdraw I could not. To sit down in that highly-attired society in light brown over-alls, such as might be worn by a stable man, was not to be thought of. Ah ! an idea ! Just within the door, near the wall, but with space to get behind it, stood the large screen against which I had been pressed. Capturing a waiter, I drew him with me into that friendly shelter. " Help, help, my man. Can't get back. Just let me slip off these confounded — hurry — now — " I gasped, and tore the buttons loose with lightning speed. " All right, sir." The waiter was as quick as I, and scarcely gave me time to disengage the last button, before he caught away the garment, and bundling it up, vanished'in the crowd. "Eh ! hillo ! Jstop, you ! GTood heait's impossible ! And yet — mercy on vs — what shall I do ! " A horrible fact bad revealed itself. In making my hurried toilet, I had actually buttoned on my over-alls — omitting my black dress pantaloons ! What was to become of me ? Grarments, indeed, were there, — garments even too ample and obtrusive. I had worn while dressing a pair of wide but shortish trousers once used in a Chinese burlesque, written by my friend Skelton for the delectation of a private circle, and which, being intended for that occasion onlj, were adorned with devices grotesque and terror-striking, represented in colours crimson, green, and blue. And these abominable trousers I had brought with me to Lumpeters' Hall. A chill shot through me as I realised the full extent of tho misadventure. I back faintly against the wall, and endeavoured to collect myself. Glancing round the corner of the screen, I observed, with a s' udder, th;:t the company were taking their places, while the ladies in the gallery had risen, en masse, and were directing so concentrated a fire of eyes, upon the entrance, where the valiant lion-queller had passed to return the salute that greeted him, that to escape had become impossible. I must remain where I was t'll able to concert with some compassionate attendant a plan of escape. There was the settling murmur and' buzz, the " Gentlemen, pray silence, for grace ! " and the " Stand still, waiters ! " in a voice of authority. Grace followed, and the noise of feasting ; but the next intelligible words froze my very soul. " Remove that screen ! " Instinctively I clutched and held it back. There came a violent tug ; but there was too much at stake for a feeble defence, and I held on with •desperate tenacity. " Quick, now, with that screen ! " said the voice of authority. " What's the matter ? " .•*..■' "There's a gent be'ifcd, a 'olding of it back," said some officious booby. " Here — you ! " I gasped. " Five shillings ! Ten ! Twenty ! Five Pounds ! Fetch — brown over-alls ! Forgot trou — . Let the screen alone, can't ye ?" " Bless my 'cart, sir ! 'Ere's ago ! " said a; waiter, grinning, but compassionate, for he had recognised me, even thus. " Take that thing out of the way ! " roared the voice of authority. "Must do it, sir," explained the wait' r " The heatables can't come by. Stop ! There's a wacant seat. 'Taint three- steps off." " That's mine," I groaned. "'Ow lucky. Now just you slip into it as I shifts the screen, so's to purtect you. Tuck the table-kiver well into your weslrit, and nobody'll be the wiser. One, two, three. Hoff you go ! " Off it was necessary to go, for he caught away my defences, but extended the folding arms of the screen, so as nearly to touch the vacant seat. In that instant, how I hardly knew, I found myself fairly seated at the board, the friend who should have accompanied me at my side. ■'You take it coolly, old fellow," remarked the latter ; I fancied that at these dinners punctuality- " " I take it coolly, very coolly," I replied ; " and it is for your sake lam doing so. May I ask you to spare me as much of the adjacent table-cloth as is compatible with your personal convenience. ?" "Table-cloth! Assuredly. But why?" . • • " There are reasons, hidden reasons. -But of that hereafter. A glass of wine?" "My friend is agitated. His manly fingers quiver. Something is amiss with Charteris,' remarked my com-

panion, in the sepulchral tone he is given to use when chaffing those he loves. Dicky Skelton, who never, so far as it is ascertained, had a relative in the world, dresses always in the deepest mourning. He never laughs, outwardly. He is mirth itself, within. He has written burlesques by the score. To Skelton is due the evisceration of words that have baffled the skill of the most accomplished tormentors of the English language. "My friend confides in me," continued Dick, smacking his lips for the Lumpeter Burgundy is not to be tasted every day ; " you are ill at ease." " At the knees ; a trifle." " To remember one's troubles in such a scene is weak." "To forget one's trousers is madness," I whispered, with clenched teeth, in his ear. " One's !", ejaculated Skelton, faintly, as he turned upon me a couutenance naturally wan and lengthy, but now whitened and elongated with real alarm. " You — don't mean do I distinctly understand ? " "You understand my reason for requiring as large a portion of the table-cloth as you can conveniently spare." " Now this is very noteworthy, yes, it is really curious," remarked Mr. Skelton with more interest than sympathy ; " I do not remember having ever met with a precisely similar situation ; a man may, indeed, forget an essential garment ; the mind cannot always be dwelling on these outward things; but has he no friend? wife, servant, grandmother lis there jio hand t to bar his exit, no tongue to say, 'My dear, my very dear sir, return, reflect ; consult, not if prevailing fashions, at least that warmth and comfort as needful to man as his daily food 1 ' did none do this ? " I shook my head, and briefly recounted the cause and manner of my misfortune. My friend gazed at me sorrowfully. "So fair above!" he murmured; "so — well, so singular below ! Who, now, in tbis brilliant assembly — graced, as I perceive, with the presence of many i beautiful (and giggling women) — would imagine that you, sitting here so well got up, radiant with artificial mirth, are a type of Milton's sin 1 " I replied, curtly, that I accepted the situation, as he was pleased to term it, with the calmness that seemed expedient, and that having done all that man could do, I awaited the decrees of fate, and the arrival of the waiter, to whom I had offered a sovereign to smuggle in my overalls, at the first opportune moment. "Awfully lucky for you, my boy, there's to be no speech making 1 " continued Skelton ; "we would have had you on your defenceless legs in no time." " Have you seen the toast-list, gentlemen 1 " asked a portly member of the guild, on my left, as he politely offered a card. There was a catalogue of at least twenty toasts, with names appended as proposers ; and, as proposing that of the guest of the evening, the Baron de Bete-Fauve, "Mr. Reginald Charteris!" At the same moment a, note was placed in my hand. It was from the chairman. "Oblige us. "We know your ready eloquence. Baron struck with your face and manner. Wishes to hear you speak. Touch -up the lions." Snatching out my pencil-case I wrote: — "Throat impracticable. Uvula cut off this morning. Should create more astonishment than interest if forced upon my legs." I breathed. The peril was averted. My spirit rose as the merry feast proceeded, and I began to see more distinctly the humorous side of my little misadventure. The atmosphere was warm and pleasant. Why, I had been present at many a dinner in the north where men dined, from preference, without theirs — that is, in kilts. True, 1 had not exactly a kilt ; but even were I compelled to stand forth from my present retirement, the exhibition of knee, the publication of calf, would be no greater than what is legally sane- N tioned within five hundred miles of this j spot. Ha ! a sensation. " Pray silence," &c. G-race. " Non nobis," Then usual loyal toasts, and we drank prosperity to several collateral branches of the reigning house (the Lumpeters were nothing if not loyal), before we arrived at the great toast of the evening — the Baron de Bete-Fauve. This was given by the chairman himself; and, with the baron's reply (in French), and counter-proposition of the health of the ladies, was received with the greatest enthusiasm. The excitement was just settling down, when " Hallo !" exclaimed Skelton, " what's up now ? Is any one expected, I wonder ? They are putting a big velvet chair next to BeteFauve. It must be a swell. Can the Prince of ." " So long as it is not intended for my humble person," I replied, with an easy smile, " I am perfectly " " I beg your pardon, Mr. Chartiers," said the voice of the head-steward, who, followed , by two attendant waiters, had approached us unobserved. " The chair, sir, presents his compliments, ahd begs you will do him and the Baron de Bete-Fauve the favour to occupy the seat that has been placed for you between them/" My heart stood still. My hair rose. A chill of horror shot through me. " " The baron, sir, speaks no English,

and though him and the chair has been hard at it all dinner, neither of 'em has understood a word," said the steward, confidentially. "The chair, sir, and the company generally," added Mr. Feastful, with poetic exaggeration, " would 'ail with pleasure the spectacle of your introduction to the baron." "The baron be " I know not what I was about to say. My voice faltered. I had caught a glimpse of the fair occupants of the gallery, leaning over the balustrade in their eagerness to examine the favoured individual for whom the chair of state had been so ostentatiously prepared, and a vision of myself marching up the hall, clad in my abominable burlesque Chinese trousers, the mark of every eye, almost made me reel in my chair. I shuddered, strove to speak, conceived a wild thought of diving under the table, when, whish ! with a lurid, fitful swirl, out went the enormous lustve, with all the minor lights following suit. We were in total darkness. I will not describe the confusion that succeeded, the screams of laughter from" the gallery, the scramble and the crash below. Torches gleamed in the doorways almost before we knew what had happened, and the accident that had occasioned the sudden extinction of our light was remedied within a few minutes. But, when order was restored, one chair stood vacant at that hospitable board ! Whether its occupant' had been trampled under foot in the disorder, or had vanished with the light, was never known. My private opinion is, that while anxious inquiries were being made in the Lumpeter's Hall, the missing gentleman was warming his legs at his domestic hearth, sipping his grog, and smiling at the peril he had so narrowly escaped.