FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 226, 30 May 1872, Page 9

FACETIAE.

Cash advances. — Attentions to a rich widow. Why is flirtation like plate-powder 1 — Because it brightens up spoons. Fortune-hunters don't care as much for good looks as booty in a bride. Married men in the rural districts who do not subscribe to courses of lectures are twitted with having lectures enough at home. A negress, speaking of one of her children -who was lighter-coloured than the rest, said, " I nebber bear dat brat, 'cause he shows dirt so easy." Nearly all $ew York young gentlemen have their overcoats made with a pocket on one side, lined with flannel or fur, in "which a lady may slip her hand when walking on a cold winter's evening. An old lady complaining of the bad quality of a ham to a provision dealer, the latter assured her it was a regular Vrestphalia. " That it is,, indeed ! " exclaimed the dame, " aud the worst failure I ever had." • What fruit is the most visionary 1 — The apple of the eye " You seem to walk more erect than usual, my friend." "Yes, I have been straightened by circumstances." Jonathan Briggs, of .New York, lias a memory so long that he is obliged to tie it in a knot to carry it about with him. " I say, Tom, canst change me half-a-crown?" '"Yes, I believe I can." " Oh, then, just lend me two shillings." The champion temperance man lives in Danbnry, Conn. He lias signed the pledge eighty-three times. ■ A Virginia town laughs in its sleeve at a venerable turkey gobbler which lias grown gray in the effort to hatch four apples. An absent-minded gentleman, on retiring at night, put his > dog to bed and kicked himself down stairs. He did not discover his mistake until he began to yelp and the dog tried to snore. An amateur, who was imperfect in his part, was playing Don Csesar de Bazan, ■wen he spoke as follows :—": — " T've got the king" (pause). " I've got the queen" (a longer pause, during .which he waited anxiously for the word from the prompter). During this pause, a digger in the gallery observed, " Well, old man, if you havn't got the best bower, I'm blessed if you won't be euchred." An American editor says he once partook of a beverage so very strong that he could not tell whether it was brandy or a torchlight procession that was going down his throat. Appropriate. — At a recent hippophagus dinner in Paris, after the removal of "horse," an old. soldier of the Empire gave the memory of " Ney." A shrewd confectioner in Bangor has taught his parrot to say "pretty creature " to every lady who enters the shop, add hia business is rapidly incressing. " Sambo, what your opinion of dar bankrupt law ?" "Tinkhim fust-rate, Pompey. I imply for the application mineseif." "Just explain him principles." " Why, yon see de now just lend me dat half-dollar you got for whitewashing. (Pompey hands him the money, and Sambo deliberately puts it in his pocket.) Dere, den now I owes de shoemaker three shillings, and you a halfdollar, besides de grocer's bUI ; now, dis half-dollar is all the property I got ; I divides?according to de debts." Pompey : "I take dat half-dollar back." Sambo (with amazement) : "Do you tink dis child green ? I be urn bankrupt ; ~.yoxf . gets your share wid de oder creditors." Brothers-in-law. — The judges. What ship does a literarypirate invade ? Authorship. Becoming. — In time a mulberry becomes a silk gown, and a silk gown becomes a woman. A youngster of literary tastes lately described Darwin as the one who believed " we degenerated from a monkey." " I can speak seven different languages," said a convict, as he entered a penitentiary. "No matter," said the keeper; "we have but one language here, and very little of that." " Cast iron ' sinks," is the annoimcemeut on the sign of a suburban plumber. > " Well, who said it didn't?" was the enquiry of a countryman who read it over three or four times, and chuckled when he thought he saw the point. Novel Reading, Old and New. — Husband, ("Id style question): "What! dipping into the third volume to see if every wijvj is married V' Wife (new style of answer) : " Oh, they were married in the* Ur-st volume. I only wanted to see if it vas really her husband who poisoned lier,"