MR. BROWNSMITH'S ONLY ADVENTURE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 217, 28 March 1872, Page 7

MR. BROWNSMITH'S ONLY ADVENTURE.

! • George IV. , of magnificent memory, said that a wtlnW was at the bottom of all the troubles a man got himself into. i One fine day, a painter in his Majesty's palace fell down a ladder, and broke his leg. "Who is she? Who is she?" asked the King. " May it please your ! Majesty, it is a man." Nonsense, nonsense ! Who is she ? " again demanded his Majesty. " May it please your Majesty, it is a man." But the King was in the light. The painter had broken his leg because he had leaned too far over his ladder for the purpose of giving a kiss to one of the royal housemaids. Now to apply the august maxim, and show how Mrs. Brownsmith got nic into trouble. My wife is a splendid woman, as you would say if you saw her. But proud "as I was of her, we had not been married long before I saw that if I was to be master for life, I must assert my authority at once and for; ever. I waited for an opportunity, and an opportunity came. We were in the breakfast-room of our little villa, near Sandstone; and a long altercation' ended thus — "Well, Mr. Brownsmith, if you have made up your mind not to take me to the seaside, I have made up my mind to go to my mother's house, " and' stay there till you choose to behave like a" man, and not like a savage. I go."- With an elegant sweep' of her rustling petticoats, she left the room ; and shortly ' after I saw her cross the garden in the direction of Acacia Cbttage, where, my beloved mother-in-law resides — unhappily for me, within five minutes' walk of us. "I'll show her — I'll tame her ladyship/ in an evil moment I thought to myself. So I packed a small portmanteau, ordered a fly to take me to tlie station, and left this little note on 'my wife's dressing-table :— " Dear Augusta — T leave for London by the 2.30 express ; 1 shall not return until lieceive an apology from you.. My address will be Langhatn Hotel, Portland Place, W. Sunny Villa, Friday." Certainly, I thought, I had the best of it. There shone before me a pleasant . run to town— Exhibition • in the morning, theatres and opera in the evening, a conqueror's return home,.' and triumphant entry into my house before my subdued wife, an overflowing forgiveness on my part, a joyful reconciliation, and peace for evermore. Soon, with excited .spirits,. I was borne away from my home towards London by tlie express. There was but one occupant of the first-clas3 carriage with me, and a most agreeable companion he was — full of conversation, well educated, a& far as I could judge, very obli^ingr and entertaining. The only thing I did not like^about my companion was his style of dress. It was most decidedly of the outre order. Boots with patent leather tip's ;. trousers of. a monstrous pattern ; a low cut, bright-coloured waistcoat, across which wandered a chairt apparently so massive that any hotelkeeper to whom it Was offered would gladly allow one to' live luxuriously on the strength of it for a month. Then, as I raised my eyes higher," my si^ht was dazzled with a hu^e blue satin scarf fastened by a pin of gigantic size. Add a cut-away green coat. unbuttoned, a white open overcoat, a white hat, and bright kid gloves, and you have before you the dress of my companion. However, he was a downright good fellow, and most amusing vis-a-vis; and very glad was I to tiavel in such good society. Anecdotes without end were poured into, my enchanted ear. My quarrel,- my wife, my home, were all forgotten ; and in . the highest spirits, we rushed along towards London at the rate of forty miles an hour. I hacfrilmost forgotten to say that early in the journey my friend, who had a flask of sherry, bad placed it at my service. We .had ! just passed F station, -when the gentleman with whom T was travelling directed my attention to some, alterations that were being; made in Mr. Montgomery's park By leaning out ol the window, I could get a good view of them. As I drew my band in, my friend. kindly handed me my pocket handkerchief which I- had dropped. The wind and dust which I had picked up while hanging out of the carriage window caused me to use ray pocket handkerchief, freely about my face and nose. . How very sleepy I felt- — how • I -yawned! [ recollect nothing more,, save that I think my friend took his pocket handkerchief, and kindly wiped my face. When I J .say tßat I recollect .nothing more, I am hardly usins* the right expression .—l.mean. — I. mean that I can recollect nothing more that occurred, in my friend's presence. Would to heaven that I could remember nothing more: The next thing 1 can recall is feeling rather cold; then, rather confused and cramped. I seemed' apparently to be in my coffin, and without a shroud on. In a few. minutes, I discovered that I was lying under the seat of the carriage, in the state Adam- was in when he wa& made— no, just a "trifle more clothed than, net was, for X had a pair' of socks.a»iAa f sb.orfc flannel waistcoat. So you can easily understand that; T was neither very Syarm nor very presentable. Wh«n I had succeeded .in dragging myself oat. of my bed, I still felt drunk and -confused j but bs I gradually collected my sensep, I flaw that -ay late, absent "kind 'friend had /left behind him, for ray use, his •patent " tipped boats, \buff r troVßers, gaady waistcoat, , scarf a^d'pin;- white

coat, and hat. Moreover, he had not forgotten to draw down the blinds. He had, however, taken my purse with him, and had forgotten to leave his own behind. B 'tween yawning and anathematizing, a ?ew more moments passed away. Suddenly. I heard the sharp, shrill whistle, and then the deep groaning of the break. " Into my I friend's trousers I tried to jump ; but alas! either, in my confusion, I" put the wrong leg in, or poked it between I the lining and tho cloth, or the wretch had played me a schoolboy's trick, and had .fastened up the lining of his nether garments. The train was stopping — 0, horror of horrors ! • I extricated my leg from- the confounded trap, .and rushed to the .window. The train hadstopped! I verily believe from that moment my first grey, hairs began to appear. With desperate tenacity* in a state of almost perfect nudity, I hung on to the door and window. Good .gracious ! — a scurrying of steps outside ! ' Who is coming into my carriage ? An old lady, who will scream and give me into custody ? A young lady who will faint ? A father of a family, who will kick me down the platform ? A ticket collector who will — Ah! ah ! ah-h-h ! there is a hand on the outside moving the handle of the door ! Oh, the - agony of these seconds ! I would rather be hanged, I would rather be torn asunder by wild horses, -I would rather live for six times' my natural time of existence with six scolding, fault-finding wives, than go through the agony of these moments a«;ain ! Pen cannot describe what I« suffered. Beads of perspiration raced down my poor, cold, shivering features — my hair stood on end, my teeth chattered ; but to the' door and window my hands clung with a strength of grasp that Policeman A or. Policeman B could hardly have overcome, without tearing |my fingers from their sockets. A bell, a guard's whistle, and an engine shriek ! Hurrah !we start again. I am saved — saved — saved ! -I felt •desperately faint, but in' tiute'l recovered. Saved indeed ! poor wretch ! I knew not what I was in store for me. . Slowly and deliberately I dressed myself in my friend's clothes. Unaccustomed to be j decked in bucl) gorgeous array, I b^gan, with collected senses, to think what a figure I looked. " Hallo, what's that ? What is the train stopping again for so soon ?" I was well acquainted with i the line, and knew |that the express ought not to stop at the next station. I Some accident, I thought. '• Tickets,

tickets all ready." What on earth is the meaning of all this ? I draw out my friend's ticket. He is only to F — . lam going to London. Never mind, it is of no consequence, I can pay the difference. Ah, but then I have "no purse. iV importe, I can draw a cheque at Paddington, and wait till it is cashed. The door was opened and I beheld the guard, stationmaster, and two policemen. " All right, " said one of the latter to the station-master, " this is our man; directly he is out of the carriage the train may go." " All wron^," said I. " You have made a mistake — I have no intention of getting out here. lam gohiij on to town." I nev«r saw a policeman on duty laugh before ; but over the stern hirsute face of W.C. — which stands for Wilts Constabulary N"o. 1172, there passed something ljke a' grim smi^e as he replied' — " It is of no use, my man — you tnust.come out at once ; you are fairly caught. If you obey us, and aecom.pany us quietly, we will give you no unnecessary pain , but if you hesitate or resist for one moment, we shall at once put on these." Aa he spoke he got on the step of the- carriage, and held up before ray bewildered gaze a pair of bandcufts, which rattled ominpusly. Good gracious ! what could be the joke in all this ? Mechanically, I did what I suppose others would have- done. I got out of the carriage. The train moved on. H I assumed stern indignation, though ill at ease. " Now, then," said I, " what the dickens do you -mean by all this?" "Come, come, my man, your swagger won't do with us. ' You muat et>me along," was the answer of "my guardians. '"But what am I charged with? vVhat do you want me for ? " " Well, that is a good joke, and you are a cool hand," replied W.C. 1172. " But now business is business,- my man., "We are bound to take you up, and you are bouud to come "with ms, quietly if you will, if not — " • Here he held up the handcuffs. ""You are charged with forging , a cheque for £970 on the Sandstone Bank, and* with half killing, if not.actuall-y murdering, P. C, Smith, .of the Somersetshire force. We are going to take yoii to the lock-up, and to-morrow you will have* to appear be-, fore the magistrates. lam obliged to caution you that you ueed not say anything ; and that if you do say anything to commit yourself, it will be brought up as evidence against you." G-ood heavens ! And ao I was a, forger and a murderer !• " Well — but," said I, " these are not my own clothes. A gentleman in the carriage .changed . clothes with me ; or rather, he left me alone. — ahem, — naked ; and I, put on his clothes, and then you came, and — and—. Confound it, you don't think I am he?" : Oh, no," said W.C. 1172, " £ you -ain't him — riot a bit of it ; you ■ are yourself. Well, you must; tbinTc us greetf, to try and palm that off o i us," And immediately there arose a subdued official chuckle. Ere. loog it came • to- pass lhat I was obliged ■' quietly -to accompany my cantors to th'o potiQe-3tation. Mr,

Inspector booked the charge, whereby it seemed that I really- was a forger and all but- murderer. It was quite in vain that I .protested and vowed that I was not the forcing murderer in question, but Edward Brownsmith of Sunny Villa, near Sandstone. I was cut short (in my protestations with, " You must prove that before the magistrates -to-morrow, if you can." And so I was consigned to a cell, there to await to-morrow. But first I was searched ; and on me, to my disgust, were found a ticket to !P , not to London, where I said I was going, aud a clasp knife slightly stained with blood. "No uae denying it my man. We have got you, and shall not let you escape ? " I felt half distracted by the position I was placed in. " Please, Mr. Inspector, may I telegraph to my wife ? " The Inspector was naturally a kind man ; and, probably, a momentary dream of my possible innocenco flitted across his official mind. " Well, I hardly know," he said. " However, write down the telegram, and let me see it. I suppose, too, you will want me to lend you a shilling?" Quickly I wrote — "Prom Edward Brownsmith, Police-Station Gh, North Wilts, to | Augusta Brownsmith, Sunny Villa, Sandstone. Dearest — I am taken up wrongly on suspicion. Come at once. Bring- vicar of parish to prove my identity." In an hour's time, a grim policeman handed me the following telegram in reply :—" Edward— l am not so easily taken in by your dodge. Come home ; take me to sea-side ; then all forgiven." Now, I never before, in my recollection, swore at man or woman' ; but lam afraid that then my mouth did form what, I suppose, the sapient concoctors of the new " Public School Latin Primer " would term a monosyllabic dental word, terminating with the stem N ; and they would probably further describe it as a transitive verb: Thank goodness my wife cannot understand all that. Depict the utter wretchedness of that nijrht I spent locked up in my cell. Before post — but subject to police inspection, and, I believe, also police copy — I wrote a most humble, imploring letter to my wife. Goodness knows what amount of dirt I ate in that epistle. Next morning, about twelve o'clock, I was had up before the magistrates. Everything that you already know was brought up against me; and, moreover, it was sworn that Jabez G-ough, dressed as I was, had left Sandstone station dressed in the very clothes I had on, had a knife and ticket such as were found on me. My telegram and its answer were brought forward as condemning evidence. It was stated tl'jjt the reply was supposed to be from an accomplice, and in cypher ; and a remand was asked for. I was remanded. One or two of the magistrates seemed slightly . to hesitate ; but, really, my slangy dress, my worn and barrassed appearance, and circumstances in general, were so much against me, that I was not surprised at what happened- Be/ore the Court was up, I was again put inte the dock before the Bench. To my glad surprise, I saw, about to como into the witness box, my wife, the clergyman of my • parish, and two Somersetshire magistrate^ one of whom, as afterterwards appeared, was known to some aombers of the North Wilts . Bench at G- . Quickly it was proved to the semi-omniscient eye of all-searching unpaid justice that I was what I am, and not the notorious forging malefactor, Jabez (rough, who had so many other aliases that E dare not attempt to pick out his real name. The meeting with my wife and friends, the respectful but not at all servile apology of the policemen, my late guardians, the dinner -with some of the magistrates who sat in judgment on me, the journey home next day, the uu ceasing banter which I everywhere encountered, and the awful curtain lectures from ray wife, I pass over, and leave to the imagination of my readers ; though to me they were stern realities. All I can say is, that if there are- many wives \vhr> possess the twenty-Caudle horse — I beg pardon, twenty -Caudle mare power — that Mrs. Brownsmith is 'gifted with, I am surprised that there are no more suicides per annum than the RegistrarGeneral would have us 'believe. Of course, I had .to take Mrs. B. to the sea side. She put on .the inexpressibles there, and has worn them ever sinee — to the" great misfortune of her henpecked husband. I hear her gentle voice calling me to 'roll the grass-plot. It's hard work, but — " Cominsr, my •d-e-a r. C-o-tn-ing!" — "Oace a Week."

Holloioatf s Ointment and Pills.— Bad Legs. -T- Any unnatural, discharge from the skin is at alf times disagreeable, but in hot weather it becomes irritating — sometimes offensive. Bad legs, old wound 3, serofula^and scorbutic eruptions are cooled, soothed, and cured by Holloway's Ointment. It at once arrests all diseases of the surface ' by purifying and nagnlating the circulation in their neighbourhood, by giving "energy to the afi'octed part, and by expelling all poisonous, nrat-ters. ' It ejectn the sesds'ofall virulent eruptions arid ulce rations,- a.ud thus confers no •partial ortehiporary .boon, but a : comt/lele and perm imontciP'e. By means I of fhese retn^die? allsufferers may- aim at attaining heatlth, audi will invariably Bucceed,