FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 217, 28 March 1872, Page 7

FACETIAE.

Ballet girls who live by their feet live above their income.

Patience on- her Trial. — The Tichborne case.

Qtfery — Do cannibals prefer tender hearted people. . ' *-■

Tic-douloreux The sound of a clock in a sick man's room .

The first-born of Sanitary Science — A sun and heir.

Asylum for the Legitimate School — A retirgd Hamlet.

Mac*beth on the Tichborne Trial.— What, will the cuse-.stretch out till the crack of doom ? ■ "~ -s

Piteous Appeal. — " Watch-this frame." This is what poor Panton Scrooby, who is growing oppressively stout, implores his medical adviser to do.

A Caution.— Laura : "0, Amy! you ought never to wear a ring on your third finger, unless you are really engaged. Mamma says it often prevents a good offer ! "

A dairymaid will never make butter unless she can see her whey clear. A husband in Indiana recently hired a man for 250d015. to .beat bis wife.

New Orleans girls complain that the young nieu don't tease them enough. A thief once said that he had a brief acquaintance with his barrister. To cure a smoky chimney.— Lay the *five very carefully with paper, wood, and coals, but do not light it. What most sporting men have at their fingers'-ehd- Tips. Entertaining knowledge— Learning the cost of a heavy feed.

What two places are most suitable for archery ? — Bow and Harrow. A young man who keeps a collection of liMsks. of hair of his lady friends calls them his hair breadth t scapes.

A good memory for a fac.e. — Mr. O'Flamiigan : " Know him ? Shure an' I do that. I nivver forget a face. Why, it I oncest see a man I'd know him agin by his elber ! "

Advice to youug married people. — Look out for squalls. There never was an honest red-breast — he is always a robin. Ts a lamp at any time in a bad temper? — Yes ; when it is put out. , A dyspeptic and melancholy young man once bewailed his prospects to a friend, and said he'didn't see how he should ever get ttoough the world. " Did you ever know any one to stop on the way V* was the grave and consoling reply.

"I- wish I .was a ghost — blamed if I don't !" said a sweep, a 9 he was soliloquising in the cold the other morning. " They goes wherever they likes, 'toll free. They don't owe nobody nofchin', and tllfct's a comfort. Who ever heard of a man. who had a bill against • a ghost ? Nobtdy. They never buy clothes and wittles, nor has to stand shivering in the cold till Sally Jets 'em in."

A Washington man who was' lately used as a reference to establish a friend's character, did it thus comprehensively :—: — fl T am happy to inform yon that Mr. stands at the top' of respectability here. He owns a -fast' horse, a New York judge, and intends to steal, the" first railroad, he sees lying around loose."

'■' Well, Lauchie, how are you ?" " Mon, I'm wonderful weel, nonsiderin'." ' ' Gonsiderin* what ?" "I did last night what I've no dune this thirty year. I gaed to bed pairfectly sober, and I'm thankfu'-to say I got up this momin' no a bit the wanr." • " .

You may find fashion in town, but you meet mth more stiles in the country.

The woman who never interfered with her husband's affairs arrived in town, the other day. She is unmarried.

• In Chicago one can thrash his mother-in-law, under a recent decision, for 75, dollars, bujb the " Republican " says it i 3 open to question as to whether the investnient pays. *" A man who loses his dexter eye generally has a sinister look.

y Why is it," said a schoolmistress to p, scapegrace who had' caused her much trouble. by bad. conduct, "you behaved so well when you first came to school, and are so disobedient -now ?" ' ■ Because," answered the young hopeful, looking up into the schoolmistress' face, f'-l wasn't much acquainted with you then."

A new hearse at Indianapolis is de 1 scribed. as " airy and attractive.''

A reason why a piano was not saved ' from a fire was because none of the firemen could play on it.

Among the many hundreds of " Wants" that' appear daily in our morning journals we do not remember to have seen^ any precisely like the following,' which we copy from -the Denver " Daily Tribune, of Sept. sth, 1871 :— " Wanted— A girl to do housework. . She will be permitted to receive company every day.in the freek, and.* a good substantial fence will be provided to lean against while courting, and ample time will T»e accorded, for that recreatioft ; "but no piano will be furnished. Enquire of H- M 'dune's residence, head of 8~-stree^ ' Brown's Addition."' " „ • , 4 . , , fleflections should never be cast on a plain yonng lady "for consulting her. looking, glass j she at.'^ny rate- faces'- her cHSfie ulties,% ( •' v ■-■'■• • ' ;■ ' ■•